Clary
by yougonnapayforthatmango
Summary: Memories, something to look back on. But what if you can't? What if you had no clue as to who you were? As to who you used to be? The foods you ate, the songs you sang, the people you loved, all gone. And that's the life of Clarissa Fairchild: awakening from a coma to learn of a person that used to be her. Can she ever find this person? Find herself? Rated M for lemons. Clace
1. Who Are You?

**Playlist:**

 **Waking up- _I Know You_ By _Skylar Grey_**

 **Photos- _Kiss me_ By _Sixpence None The Richer_**

* * *

 _ **"The past is like a handful of dust. It filters through your fingers, disappearing little by little."**_

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

The room was so _white_. And she didn't know why.

Didn't know why everyone was staring at her with a sparkle in their eyes. Was there something wrong with her? There was the woman with red hair… what was her name? She wasn't old, but she definitely wasn't young. No, not like _she_ was. Was she young? How old was she? Should she know her own age?

She lifted her hands, her small fingers running down her palm in an absorption of sensory. Her eyes flickered over to the black box that was positioned to hang in the corner of the room, though no sounds came from it. An audible noise was coming from the ceiling, cold air seeping out of it and making its way to her skin... that was an _astonishingly_ pale color. Running down her chest were flaming curls, and she captured one between her fingers, marveling at it before lifting her gaze back to the crowd of apparent mourners.

There was a man holding the red-headed woman's hand, not romantically of course. Well, she supposed it could be interpreted that way, but she didn't know the them to begin with. He had glasses on, adding the the effect that he was an older man. But not too old, just like the woman. His hair was a brown mess, sticking out at odd ends, but something about him just _spoke_ to her. Standing next to him was… she could feel his name at the tip of her tongue. _S-s-_... nothing. She couldn't think of his name. He was a good head taller than the majority of the room, and that seemed to fit the name that was at the tip of her tongue.

Wait, was was _her_ name anyway? _Did_ she have a name? Surely she must…? Everyone has a name, and yet she couldn't begin to think of what everyone called her. Did she have a boring name? Or a name that was hard to pronounce. Was it a pretty name? Was _she_ pretty?

Like _her_?

With her black hair cascading down her body like an ink waterfall and a face so symmetrical you would have thought she was crafted with a ruler. Almost like the boy next to her, they looked so similar. But not _too_ similar.

Now why was _he_ crying? Her heart did a little leap when she laid her languid eyes on him. Him, seemingly perfect with his golden hair and eyes of the same color; **_unlike any other_**. Wait, did other people have eyes like that? His eyes, perhaps the most secretive thing about him _**and yet she could read them like a book**_ … that she couldn't remember. Why couldn't she remember?

He had arms that seemed to beckon her body, but had she ever lain in them before? She felt so lost, so _vulnerable_. Her mind as fragile as the skin of an infant. She felt as if the world was being poured into her skull, and yet she knew nothing of this world. This mysterious world of crying people.

Why were they crying?

"Clary?" The older woman asked with a throat that sounded like she'd been sobbing. **_Because she has, she just won't tell you,_** a voice in her mind spoke. The voice was so sudden that it scared her, and she had to look around to see if someone else had said the words, yet they had a claim that was to her. She knew it.

"Clary?" The man next to her said with a scratchy voice that for some reason brought comfort. _**You know that voice,** _ the voice sighed, and she felt guilty for not understanding the saddened tone of the female that was in her mind. Everyone was staring at her, as if awaiting a response. _**Your name, that's your name,**_ the voice laughed. Why was this woman in her head?

"Is that my name?" She asked in an almost whisper. The voice she spoke matched the one in her head… _odd_. Everyone gasped as if she'd brought fire in front of their faces.

"Y- _yes_." The boy whose name she swore she knew said.

"Oh." She simply responded. _**Clary**_ , the voice said, trying to get her used to the name. "Are you sure?" She asked, the title sounded so strange, uncommon, as if she hadn't heard anyone called such a name. But did she?

The woman stood up, quickly walking out of the room with her head buried in her hands, the older man following her with a quicker pace to reach her. He called her something, something she was sure she'd heard before. _Jocelyn_? The younger-looking adults all stared at her as if she were crazy. Was she? She didn't know.

"Who was that woman?" She questioned with a hurt tone. They were all scared to answer, as if the news would only bring her harm.

"Your mother." The pretty girl answered, though it was the golden-haired boy she wanted to talk to her the most. **_He's_** _**scared**_ , the voice concluded, and she had no choice but to nod along with it.

"My - my _mother_?" Surely she would have felt some sort of bond to her, and yet there was nothing that made her want to chase after the woman that was supposedly of relation to her. **_You always did have a strained relationship with her,_** the voice sighed sadly.

"Yeah," the man who was taller than the entire group answered.

"And who are all of you?" She asked. They all looked at each other, each of them too nervous to say a thing to her. When no one had spoken, she cleared her throat. "Where am I?" She asked with a tone more clearer, sharper.

"The hospital." The more snobbish-looking boy answered, and the pretty girl who must've been his sister rubbed his back. **_Asshole, just like always,_** the voice laughed. For some reason, she laughed along with it, startling about half the room.

The room, which was not much bigger than… _hers_? **_Yes!_ ** the voice encouraged. But that was as far as her comparisons reached.

"Why am I in the hospital?" Her voice cracked, as if she hadn't had something to drink in the longest of times. With eyes quickly scanning the room, they landed on a glass of water with condensation pouring into droplets on the crystal material. She cautiously stretched her hand out to grasp it, amazed out how weak she was.

"I'll get that for you," the tall boy smiled. She happily took it from his hands, placing the straw between her lips and sucking until she was satisfied that she could speak without sandpaper rubbing the lining of her throat.

"Thank you." She said after sucking the entire glass half empty. _**Half full,**_ the voice chimed in. She rolled her eyes at the scold and instead focused them on the golden ones that had been observing the room instead of her. There was something about him that was different than the rest of the strangers. With him, it was as if she would do anything for, that went beyond common courtesy. Her skin craved him, if that were such a thing. Her body needed him in a way that made her cheeks flush. **_Of course you need him!_** the voice shouted with worry.

"So, who are you? Who are you to _me_?" She asked again. A smile blossomed across the pretty girl's face but didn't reach her dark eyes.

" _I_ am Isabelle, your best friend." She smiled, and the tall boy scoffed at her. She turned her attention toward him, wondering why he acted insulted.

"Uhm, no offense Izzy, but _I'm_ her best friend." He laughed and she thinned her eyelids, mouthing a curse word at him. "Simon Lewis, your partner in crime." The boy extended his arm, and she felt odd shaking it. **_A hug works too…_ ** the voice groaned with an invisible eye roll.

"Alec Lightwood," the snobbish boy said, confirming her beliefs of him being related to the pretty girl. He didn't extend his hand but offered a sheepish grin her way.

"So you're all my friends then?" She said with a growing smile.

"Yes," they all said, except for _him_.

"No." He said so sharp that he could cut the fabric of the white blanket with his harsh tone. Her heart beat faltered, wounded by his aggravation. _**So dramatic,** _ the voice tsked. The three 'friends' all turned their attention towards him, all of them frowning. The pretty girl, **_Izzy,_** the voice reminded, seemed worried for him.

"Who are you then? Are you my brother?" The word sounded wrong on her tongue, and she immediately regretted it once he stiffened.

"No, I am _not_ your brother." He growled. She winced at his quick temper.

"Then who are you?" She said, surprised at her own anger that thinly covered her voice. She didn't know why she was so easily bothered by his attitude when she was in fact worried for him.

"I'm Jace, just Jace." He snapped, standing up to join her supposed mother.

"Why is he angry? Did I do something _wrong_?" She said with a tight throat.

"No, you didn't do anything wrong, he's just frustrated is all." Isabelle said with a sympathetic smile. Her eyes remained on the door, even while everyone stared at her. She slid her gaze back to them, still confused at how quick everyone's mood seemed to change. Were they going to be frustrated with her too?

"What happened to me? Why am I here?" She asked.

"There was an accident," Simon answered with a face contorted in pity and anger. ** _He's trying to be strong,_ ** the voice reassured.

"What kind of accident?" She wondered.

"A car accident." They all answered. The room door clicked open, and what she had thought was the cruel boy was someone else entirely. He had hair as white as snow, and skin just as pale, and yet it went together. Her fingers twitched, for some reason wanted to replicate his appearance on anything that she could hang up.

"Who are _you_?" She said for what had to be the billionth time. Another boy followed in pursuit of him, him having features that didn't match his perfect ones but tied together just as handsomely.

"I'm Jonathan, your brother." He said with a forced smile. His arms twitched out, as if to hug her, but he didn't for some reason. Though she was sure it would feel uncomfortable if he did.

"Sebastian, your knight in shining armor." The other boy chuckled. Jonathan turned to him with a frown, his fist clenching briefly.

"Huh?" She questioned with wide eyes.

"Nothing, he's just trying to be funny. Emphasis on _trying_." Jonathan growled, and Sebastian shrugged. She somehow found him to be comforting with his slapdash humor and careless manner.

"So it's true? You can't remember anything?" Sebastian asked her with wonderment twinkling in his eyes. Isabelle smacked the back of his head with her hand and he turned to give her the same glare she was giving him.

"Uh, yeah. Nothing." She answered with embarrassment highlighting her cheeks.

"Woah." He said with a shake of his head. Jonathan looked at her, taking her hand and massaging her knuckles. The gesture felt familiar between them, and she wondered if he'd been a good brother to her. His green eyes were heavy on his head, causing the skin under them to be purple with exhaustion.

"How long have I been in here?" She asked no one in particular.

"This is the first time you've woken up without screaming." Sebastian said with a sigh. Isabelle smacked him on the back of the head, again. And again, she had that frown.

"Don't listen to him." She shook her head.

"You were in a coma," Simon answered, and upon seeing her confused face, he clarified. "Asleep for a _long_ time. For five years after your accident." She was shocked to hear the words leave his mouth. Five years? No…

"Yeah, we all thought you were going to die." Sebastian said without his careless humor, but with general sadness.

"Why did it take so long for me to wake up?" No one seemed to have an answer at the moment.

"Brain trauma, and I can see that clearly. We never understood how bad it was until… until now." Jonathan grimaced. She tried to feel sad for him, but the feeling wasn't there, and instead she was cold toward him. She could feel nothing for someone she couldn't recognize. In his eyes were a million memories that did not reflect in her own, and for that, she was sorry for.

"Do I have a home?" She asked.

"Yes, we never let them take it away." Simon promised. She nodded, not sure why, but she did. This sympathy, whatever it was, came naturally to her, even if it was not genuine.

"When can I see it?"

"As soon as you're cleared to leave the hospital." Jonathan said, still rubbing her fingers that were as cold as her emotions. She wanted to push everyone away, it was all too much for her to take in. Their saddened faces she could do nothing about. It was as if they were expecting something from her that she would not, could not give.

"And that is?" She said with a both brows, angered that she could not raise just one.

"Probably this week, your health is fine, so that's a plus. They might keep you here for observation." Isabelle shrugged. She didn't like the uncertainty, and frowned at it. "So, did you dream while you were in a coma?" She asked after a long pause.

She tried to think of the blank space that was her familiarity, and could not remember a splash of color, faces, or sound.

"No."

* * *

"You must be so happy that you're awake. People have been praying for you, ya know?" A nurse smiled. The words she said were foreign and yet familiar at the same time. She knew each word, but if asked to define them, she'd be stuck.

"Have they?" She said with incompetent interest. The nurse smiled at her, adjusting the blankets at her side and fluffing her pillow.

"Oh yeah, especially that blond-haired fellow." She shook her head with amusement. She wanted to know why this was funny to her. "He would talk to you every night, and then he stopped talking to you. He'd stop coming here, actually. Thought he'd moved on. But he showed up with everyone else when your eyelids started to flutter or your fingers would twitch. It was like each time he'd want to give up, you'd just give 'em a reason to hold on. Kinda got him angry when he'd wait for some sign that you'd come back to him. Even asked us if we thought you were gonna make it." She almost couldn't believe what the nurse was saying.

"Who was he to me?" She asked nervously. The nurse bit her lip, undecided on whether to answer her or not. Then her pager sounded and she was off, leaving her in the darkened room with no one to talk to but herself.

Literally.

 ** _It'll get easier, just wait,_** the voice reassured. She hadn't even learned her name properly and yet she was supposed to remember theirs? She shook her head, scared to even think of recovery. She was sure that everyone had lives to go back to, as they nurse had said. Jace, the blond man, had tried to get over whatever they were, and each time she'd hurt him when she'd show some sign of brain activity.

 ** _They'll wait for you,_** the voice promised. Something drew her attention to the books that were stacked on the floors of the hospital room. Their titles ranged from The Odyssey to… she squinted her eyes, trying to search for a title on the large book that had a glossy cover. Looking around, she pushed the white covers off her legs that were no darker and reached placed them on the cold tile floor.

 ** _Slowly_ ,** the voice warned. She listened to it, holding onto the plastic railing of the bed as she grabbed for it. The large book was heavy, and nearly slipped out of her weak grip as it was slick with lamination. Sure that she wasn't going to drop it, she inched her way back to the hospital bed, throwing the covers back over her thin legs, frowning for some reason at them. As if she already had an opinion of her body that others knew more about than her.

She had to use effort to open the book, and when she did, there was no title on the first page, only pictures. The first one was blurry, outlined by white, _vintage_. On it was of a pair of children, one with red hair like her own and one with silver hair like… her brother's. Was this them as children?

They were both eating popsicles, and her lips were rimmed red, stained by the cheap dessert. The kid Jonathan did not wear a shirt, and his flat stomach was spotted with the blue that was the bottom color for the popsicle. She wore a bathing suit, a one piece, and was obviously wet, seeing as her ponytail was heavy and dark. Jonathan was the same, wearing swim trunks that were heavy with water. Even as children, she was amused at how her brother was a good size taller than her. There was a smile on both of their faces, even as Jonathan licked the popsicle. Clary held hers up to her face, and appeared to be singing.

She paused, actually acknowledging that that was her name.

Glancing at the next picture, she saw that it was one a holiday, probably of the same year, and more people were involved. Clary could see herself, though instead of a swimsuit, she was wearing a purple dress that reached mid-thigh with a green scarf wrapped around her neck. A purple head band, although a few shades lighter, was in her hair that straightened instead of its natural curls springing free. Pink tights were stuck to her legs, and she had purple shoes that had heels that were barely there.

There was a boy with hair that was more golden than blonde, and he was wearing a white shirt with a blue collar, sporting some sort of orange tie. Blue jeans were on his legs that had given him a height advantage, and brown shoes that looked much too heavy on his child feet. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulder, Clary looking embarrassed with her cheeks flushed red as the camera snapped the picture.

Next to them was, what she knew instantly, the tall boy Simon, who was even taller than them as children. He had a long green shirt on and jeans that she couldn't tell if they were maroon or brown. His shoes though, were black. And next to him was a girl that was much too pretty for the ugly orange turtle neck and knee socks she wore with a dark red skirt and shoes. There was some toddler in the middle of them, wearing some sort of dog outfit, though the backpack disrupted the outfit. He must've been a toddler to their age of what appeared to be eight or nine. A woman who seemed to be his mother was holding him in her arms, and their was something going in his nose that was like the thing providing her with oxygen now. He looked sickly to Clary, but she tried not to let it bother her as she looked at other pictures.

 _Clary, Jace, Simon, Max, Isabelle-_ the picture read.

The next picture held a moment of what had to be her everyday childhood. She was laying on what was presumed as her bed, drawing some sort of cup, her legs bent upwards. There was that golden-haired boy, sitting on the wooden floor and staring up at her. The photo was outlined with black, the edges of what appeared to be a door visible. As if someone had spied on them.

The other photos were of weddings and birthdays, her appearing older in each one and the little boy looking sicker as time passed. Clary noticed something though, roughly around her teenage years was when the little boy ceased to appear, and she hated to assume why.

Her eyes landed on one of her in a cap and gown, throwing the cap in the air and Jace standing next to her, hand around her waist as he too threw his cap. He looked so much happier in this photo than he did now. Clary was hugging her mother in the next picture, holding up some sort of certificate.

A few photos later and she was holding cardboard boxes that were sealed with tape. A car was next to her, already packed with boxes like the one she was carrying. She was wearing athletic shorts and her sleeves were bare from what had to be a tank top. On her feet were what she assumed were sneakers, ink from a pen visible on them. A smile was on her face, showing just how happy a person Clary was. She must've been moving out to… college? She went to college?

The was a slight difference in the next pictures, as whenever she was around Jace, he had his hands on her. Were they friends? Best friends?

But this wasn't the answer, because in one, he had his lips planted on hers. Her face was visible with her hair being pulled back in a ponytail that allowed some curls to frame her face. She had her lips curled in a smile, probably surprised as Jace kissed her. His hands were at the small of her back, pulling her against him in her blue cotton tank top. His hair was shorter, and crushed to his head was a hat that read of some school. As he held her, it was obvious that he was a strong man, his muscles popping out with little persuasion. She was short compared to him, even shorter as her knees were bent in her swooning over him.

As the pictures went on, it was obvious that they were from Jace's point of view, as she was smiling at the camera in one, her green eyes looking stunning against her pale skin and red hair. She had a cup pressed to her lips, and there was a band playing behind her, a certain tall boy playing along with them.

There was another of them, laying on the grass, Jace's hand raised as if to hold the camera above them. Her red curls were contrasting against the grass. His hair was longer in this one, and there was scruff on his chin. This picture was a little dirtied, the edges folded and brown as if it had seen better days.

She liked that one.

Almost as much as the one of them holding hands as they walked together, to some unknown destination. He was smiling down at her with complete adoration, her oblivious as she stared up at either building or sky. Whoever was taking the picture was maneuvering a higher quality camera, signaling that this was getting closer to a recent time in the album.

The next photo showed her blowing out candles of the number nineteen, her hair being held back by tanned arms that were becoming familiar to her in each photo.

The next, last photo, was one of Jace kissing her knuckles as he kneeled on one knee. His hair was of the same length in the last photo, so this must've been around of the same time. There was a ring on her finger, shining brightly, and her eyes were just as shiny with tears, thought a smile proved she was beyond happy. There was some barn behind them, a lake glittering close by, and an tree providing some shade over their heads. It was perfect, they were perfect.

And then they stopped.

She thought of why, and then swallowed thickly, thinking of her car accident. **_And now you know,_** the voice groaned. Clary was angered by the photos, angry that she'd never remember any of those moments in her life. Angry that she'd never feel that sort of powerful love that was represented in the photos, or at least not the same love. It was all ripped away from her, and all she could think to do was sleep. But sleeping is what took her away from the man she apparently loved.

Clary put the album at the foot of the bed, wondering if seeing the photos really helped her or not. She looked up at the ceiling, scared to think that she'd have to learn to find a way of living after she couldn't remember such a thing. She'd have to piece together that happy girl when she just barely learned her name. How were you supposed to be something that you had no recollection of? She was a ghost in the lives of others. They could remember the ghost of her, this pleasant image, and she couldn't.

And thinking to herself, she wished that she'd just been killed in the car accident.

* * *

 **AN: So what'd you think of the first chapter in my new story? This story might be a bit longer than my last few, sorry about that. The quote up top is from the trailer for the music video of Katy Perry's _The One That Got Away_**

 **Any thoughts on it? Leave a comment in the reviews!**


	2. Matching Tattoos

**Chapter Playlist:**

 **Driving- _The One That Got Away by Katy Perry_**

 **Aftermath- _Cancer_ by _My Chemical Romance_**

 **Waking up- _Afraid_ by _The Neighbourhood_**

 **Drawing/Tattoos- _Video Games_ by _Lana Del Rey_**

* * *

 ** _There were tears smearing her vision, just like the splatters of rain on the windshield of her car. She was so distraught, not wanting to listen to other's as she had ran out of her car. Almost as loud as the sound of her sobs was the sound of her car speeding up, nearly soaring through the air when she hit a bump. Her phone was ringing nonstop, the contact picture changing from her mom, Simon, Isabelle, and then finally Jace. But she couldn't answer him._**

 ** _If she squinted through the fog of precipitation, she could make out the edges of cliffs and the future sharp turns she'd have to make as she drove at a dangerous speed. The engagement ring that was usually on her left hand was now tossed somewhere on the porch of her and Jace's house. She didn't want to return to that porch, to that place, to him._**

 ** _She sped up along the cliffside, the speed increase making itself known through a continuous thunder that outlasted the storm above her. Her hair was wet, sticking to her forehead, making her even angrier as she sped her way through california. She knew moving here was a mistake. Moving here with Jace was a mistake. It was too soon, they were too young._**

 ** _It was impossible when the odds were always being stacked against them._**

 ** _"Shut up!" She screamed at the ringing phone that was taunting her each time someone checked on her safety. But it wouldn't stop, not until she had the nerve to answer one of the many people that were calling her. She didn't want to talk to any of them, especially him._**

 ** _She looked in the rearview mirror, looking to see if any cars were behind her. The road was clear, empty, the only thing keeping her company was the ringing of her phone and the roars of the car engine. The mirror reflected what she already knew to be true. Her eyes were red, glazed with tears. Her mascara was smeared beyond repair, and nose was red with the constant rub it got from her hoodie's sleeve. And as her eyes roamed, the landed on the edging of a picture, but she didn't have to pull it out to know which one it was._**

 ** _But she did it anyway._**

 ** _There they were, laying on the grass, Jace holding up that stupid camera he'd bought for her once they'd moved in together. This was one of their first photos together, the first one being at Simon's gig at a cafe. His hair was longer in this one, and she was glad that he'd let it grow out to its wonderful waves. He had his eyes focused on the reflection of them in the camera's lense, but she was looking at the clouds, probably wanting to sketch something stupid. Clary wondered if she could have that again. That love, but it was foolish to think it would come easy. That the world would somehow let them be together._**

 ** _Because, in a way, they weren't._**

 ** _The arguments they had gotten in were little compared to the catastrophe that was this one. No, this wasn't an argument, this was a full on_ fight _. Their previous yelling was a mere whisper to her screaming and his roars as they snarled harsh, cruel words at each other. She could feel herself grow dizzy with anger as she snapped at him without breaths in between. Jace had probably pulled hair out by the ends as he struggled to remain calm, to remain in control. But like all their quarrels, it was about the wedding that had them going at each other. If they were too young. Whether or not they were ready. If_ she _was ready. It scared her to know that for him, she was all there was to life. That her, this small, average looking girl, was enough to satisfy him for however much longer he lived. It was fucking terrifying. And this was why she was driving on a cliff side going what would surpass eighty easily._**

 ** _She couldn't stop finding little things to pull them apart: what everyone else was saying, if he wanted children,_ money _. Anything that stood in her way was what she threw at Jace. And this time, he fought back, calling her a coward, saying that she was just too scared to admit that love was terrifying to her. That she didn't love him._**

 ** _Clary didn't even think when she grabbed a plate and threw at him, the fine china scattering across their kitchen tile. He tore her paintings from the wall, accidentally ripping a letter that was tacked to the wall that her father had written her before she was ever born, and before he died._**

 ** _In an instant, she turned her feet and was storming outside the house. Jace was following her, and in an attempt to hurt him, she threw the ring across the grass that was slick with rain, and her house key. She didn't know why she threw that one, but it seemed right at the moment._**

 ** _Now, as he called her over and over again, probably readying his string of apologies and a fear of losing her. Even now, as she drove further and further away at a speed that was going faster and faster, she wanted to go home to him. To fix whatever it was that made them argue. To find that innocent passion that had brought them together. That made them see the promise of happiness in each other._**

 ** _And the next time he called, she answered._**

 ** _"Clary! Don't hang up!" He said in a voice that was thick with worry and frustration. If her tears weren't producing rapidly before, they sure were now, nearly blinding her as the brimmed her eyes and landed on her jean-covered thighs. "Fuck, just come home, Baby." He sobbed._**

 ** _"You were right, Jace." She croaked nearly missing a sharp turn on the highway._**

 ** _"No, I'm wrong. I'm so wrong, Baby. Just come back to me and we can fix this, we can fix_ us _." She began shaking her head, her fingers going numb at the steering wheel that was needed to be constantly turned without crashing into the many mountains around her._**

 ** _"What can we fix, Jace? How can we fix us when we're both so broken?" She asked him._**

 ** _"I don't care! Don't say things like that when we both know we can't stay away from each other!" He growled. "Please tell me you're not driving, Baby." Jace asked worriedly._**

 ** _"I needed to think." She reasoned. From their years of childhood friendship, he'd known her to always reach higher ground in times of distress._**

 ** _"Just pull over and tell me where you are, I'll come and get you." He instructed. Her fear climaxed, fear of confrontation. Her breathing increased and all she could do was press the gas pedal until she couldn't hear anything but the sound of the engine deafening her. It was a constant thrum in her ear, reminding her of the need to get away from everything. Including him._**

 ** _There was something in the road, and had it not been raining would she have recognized it to be the branch of a tree that grew far above her on the mountains. But by the time she saw it, actually saw it, she panicked, stepping on the breaks._**

 ** _Her mother had always warned her of just hitting something would be better than using her breaks. Would she have listened to her would her car not have nose-dived into the road, doing a couple of cartwheels before finally turning on its side to roll for what felt like forever; her head smacking every surface imaginable. The seatbelt gripped her so tightly that her shoulder popped louder than the sound of her car breaking against the road. Clary tucked her head in, moving into the fetal position as the car rolled endlessly. The screech of metal on pavement was so painful she felt as if her ears would bleed more than her head wounds._**

 ** _Then it stopped, the time on her car radio showing that not even a minute had passed since the car started turning._**

 ** _"Clary?! Answer me, Baby! Are you okay?" Jace! She gasped loudly, feeling her face being pressed to the rough asphalt of the road. Each movement her face made would make the road tear at her cheek. Her palms were bloody, bruised even, and she persevered as she tried to push herself off of the ground. The wrecked car was on top of her, like some sort of metal tent; her being stuck inside as it rested upside down. Each ragged breath she inhaled would crack her ribs as they extended to allow in oxygen._**

 ** _But she was_ alive _._**

 ** _"Jace?" She croaked, blood pooling from her throat and into her mouth. Her head felt dizzy, and then there was a moment of pause, where she wondered how she'd gotten there. Clary shook her head, hoping to release the confusion._**

 ** _"Baby? Please, tell me you're okay?" He sounded like he was crying. He as in… Jace. Jace! She needed to get help, to have someone fix however many injuries she had in her head. Besides the possibility of broken ribs and a concussion, she was fine._**

 ** _"I'm okay, Jace." She shouted to her phone that was a few feet away from her. She reached a broken nail out to it, but it was out of her reach._**

 ** _"Where are...?! I'm...way!" He shouted. Clary grunted as she tried to lift herself once again. There was something blocking out the entirety of his sentence, and one she realized what it was, she panicked; for it wasn't the occasional thunder of the storm above, but of the thunder of an engine… heading her way._**

 ** _She knew that the car wouldn't see her, and that made her so calm for someone who was going to find out if there was a God. If her father would be waiting for her on the other side, where everyone who died was supposed to be._**

 ** _"Jace… I love you." She said, a sob being crushed between her sentence._**

 ** _"Don't say that! I'm going to find you and then we're going to fix this, we're going to fix us!" He cried out. She could see the flash of headlights bearing into her skull, and she wondered if this what death was all about: fearlessness. This sudden realization that all the little problems in a person's life were meaningless if there wasn't a life to live, a person to live them._**

 ** _"I love you so much." She continued, having to say her words a little louder to be heard over the purr of a speeding car._**

 ** _"NO!" He roared into the phone, probably hearing what she was too: the car that would end their conversation. Her eyes lazily moved over to something trapped between the tire of her car._**

 ** _The photo._**

 ** _She focused on his smile, on the sparkle in her eyes as she dreamt of the endless possibilities of their future. Had she known that this was it, she'd be screaming into the camera._**

* * *

And she did scream, sitting up in her hospital bed crying out in fear of the ghost of the oncoming truck. The machine that was monitoring her heart went wild, alerting the staff that she was having some sort of panic attack. She didn't know how she got the hospital so quickly, why she was surrounded in darkness without the assistance of the nurses to heal her… wounds?

She lifted her hands up, seeing the faint scars of when the car had rammed into hers, sending her skin grinding against the road until there was nothing but blood to smear on the wet pavement.

There wasn't any pain in her ribs when she took in air, and her hair was no longer wet. But her heart was racing, faster than any car could go. As the machine got louder and louder and her screams reached a volume just as high, doctors and nurses alike stormed into her room and held her arms.

"Let go of me!" She growled, tugging her arms away from the grip of the nurses, but the held on to her, whispering calm words into her ear as she fought for her freedom. She was so, so confused, wondering why they all knew her name, or how they managed to know what she was going through.

"It's the amnesia, she's having a panic attack!" The nurse yelled, holding onto Clary as if she were a child having a seizure: scared that Clary would do something to hurt herself. Someone pushed down on her chest, adding weight to her screams and tinging her cheeks red with effort.

"What's going on? What are you doing?!" Clary screamed, thrashing around as the doctors wrote down notes. "Jace!" Clary screamed out to the ceiling, wondering if he was there to hear her call out for him. If he even cared after their argument. "Jace! Jace where are you?" She sobbed, her struggle losing its power. The nurses gave her pitiful frowns as the straightened her arms out.

"Jace!" Clary screamed again, stifling a few sobs in the process. "Jace, I'm waiting for you! Don't leave me! Jace, I'm right here! I'm right… here?" Confusion sprouted in her head, making her question why she was speaking so loudly. "I'm right here." She said in a more subdued tone. The nurses and doctors stopped their whispering and just stared at her. Then she remembered that Jace wasn't there and the screaming began again, along with her strength.

"Jace!" Her voice sounded hoarse, tired.

"Clary, you need to calm down." A nurse hushed. Clary shook her head, dismissing the thought as she called out for her true love.

"J-Jace!" Clary shouted, her the confusion muddling her thoughts and making her stutter. She could feel herself caving in, another persona taking her place. Her skin tightened, her head throbbed, and all she could think about was the screeching of tires as the slammed into her wrecked car. And then she began to think of waking up, of the strangers that were waiting for her. No, they weren't strangers, they were her parents and friends, and the man she loved, loved more than breathing in each weighted breath in this confusing world that had become her reality.

"I don't want to leave!" She wailed, closing her eyes and feeling pressure on her head.

"Clary, you're not leaving. You're right here, with us, in the hospital." A doctor reassured, but his voice sounded distant, a whisper as it reached her. She felt so far away and yet so close as they spoke to her, with her body quaking in the struggle it was putting forth.

"Please, I'll do anything, just-just don't make me leave…" Clary sighed, her brows furrowing in concentration as she spoke each heavy word.

"No one's making you leave, Clary." A nurse worried, and Clary became less aware of their hands on her arms, on the pressure each fingertip exerted. On how cold they felt to her.

"Jace," she hiccuped. Fear blossomed in her chest, and she was back to raising her voice again, scared that if they didn't hear her, they'd lose her. She'd get lost again. "Jace! J-Jace! Ja-ace." She sucked in a breath of air, pulling in energy, or hoping to regain the amount she was losing. Someone stormed into the room, not someone.

It was him.

Dressed in a white shirt and jeans that were wrinkled, shocking her perfectionist view of him. He looked so much more exhausted than the last time she'd seen him. Or, argued with him. His hair wasn't that different in length, and she wondered why, why it grew so fast. His arms were tucked in a leather jacket, the same one he'd let her wear whenever it rained and she was foolish enough to go without a jacket. Images of it around her small shoulder played into view, the colors more brighter, more louder, as if she were watching it all from a cheap camera.

A doctor pushed him back, saying something that he didn't want to hear, or would never want to hear. He pushed the man aside, struggling to get to her. Clary stretched her arms out to him, wanting him to hold her. To protect her from the racing car that would eventually hit her.

"Clary!" There, he said it, her name, and yet she was slow to process it, as if he'd asked it through a styrofoam wall. The nurses shouted something at him, telling him to leave the room, but Clary couldn't hear it too well over her blood racing and memories hitting her repeatedly.

"Don't let them take me away!" She sobbed to him, and his struggle pursued, security holding his arms tightly as he spat words of release at them. The security guard tugged on his leather jacket, the sleeve pulling back along with the neckline of his white shirt to show his shoulder, and a strange, white ink tattoo that was placed there. It made her only tear up, wishing he was closer to her. _That's our sign,_ she remembered, shaking away the confusion with little success.

"Jayssss! Juh….jay…"

Why were the lights on?

And more importantly, why were there people looking at her like that? Their faces so contorted in fright as if she were a wild animal that fought submission.

"Clary!" Someone shouted, startling her. She was unresponsive for a bit, waiting for the someone to answer the call until she came to realization.

"Oh, right, that's my name." She said quietly. Those around her sighed with frustration, and the nurses let go of her. Tentatively, she sat up in her bed, eyeing everyone. She recognized someone in the room. He was the man that was there when she woke up… Jay? Jace. That was his name. He was the one that had said her name.

"Clary?" He called again, his voice much more strained and his eyes more reflective.

"What's going on?" She asked clearly, making sure he'd hear her.

"You- you don't remember?" Jace asked with disbelief. She looked around, seeing if it were just her that appeared not to recall anything but a blank space in her memory. She stared at him, at his lost eyes that bore deep into her persona… and she could not feel anything back. "No!" He shouted, scaring her to press her back into the uprighted pillow of the bed. "No! You-you love me! You can't _do_ this to me! I _need_ you!" The strong men at his sides were pulling on his arms as he slid his feet on the white tile in an effort to reach her. "Clary-" he began.

"Stop calling me that!" She shouted, startling them more than the loudest of his yells ever could. They looked at her, wary of what she'd do or say next; but she was just as surprised of her outburst as they were. "I'm not _her_! I'm not that woman! She isn't me, and I... I will _never_ _be_ _her_! So stop treating me like I'll remember whatever it is that we did, because I can't! And I never will!" She snapped, pulling at her hair angrily. The brightness in the man's golden eyes dimmed to a dark, hopeless shadow.

The men at his sides released him, and he gladly pivoted and exited the room without a second to spare. She was aware of the heart monitor beeping away, the clock ticking, and the sound of a pen tracing along paper. She was so confused as to why this had happened, but she didn't dare show it, didn't show that part of her that was angry at herself for not knowing the slightest bit about the person she was occupying.

She was blanked canvas, a shape to a beautiful image, but without the paint, was unrecognizable. Was nothing, just the start of something that wouldn't live up to the masterpiece it used to be.

"Can I- I want to sleep." She swallowed, and the doctors nodded to her, shutting off the lights and leaving her alone with just her thoughts and void memory. Next to her bed was a pen and paper, and she figured that she'd put some use to it. The twitching of her fingers urged her to reach for it, and so she did, satisfied by how her fingers wrapped almost perfectly around the average pen. As if it were a substitute for something that she'd much rather prefer.

With only the luminescent glow of moonlight, her hand began to move. She didn't know what it was that she was drawing, only allowing the pen to mark the clean sheet of paper with her selfish urge to create. To create, whatever it was that she was drawing. It looked like an animal of some sort, with its predatory stare that she drew first. Eyes that opened the windows to the soul and yet refused to do the same. Thick curls reached out towards the intimidating eyes, but never touching them…

 ** _"Don't cut your hair."_**

 ** _"Why"? He smiled._**

 ** _"What else will I pull on?" She said, kissing him softly before the demeanor turned passionate._**

Her hand slid across the paper, ruining whatever unconscious image was being formed. Looking down, it was a man, with is eyebrows furrowed as if he were thinking, but at her, and his lips were full. Lashes cascaded shadows on his prominent cheekbones, and his jaw was the crevice of his testosterone. There were specks spreading out across it; stubble. The man looked playful in the picture, almost beckoning her to join him in whatever land he existed in.

Her fingertip slid down his chin, somehow knowing what the real thing would feel like. What he felt like. But there was so much more to him, so much more to his sexy smile and intimidating stare. Yet, she couldn't say what it was that she felt, only that it increased her heart rate. Made her stomach flip oddly inside of her.

Some part of her could feel the man, could feel his gaze on her, but another part was just as confused, wondering why she felt such a thing for a simple meandering of ink from a cheap hospital pen.

Crumbling up the paper, she tossed it in the bin next to her bed and laid down. Her eyes, however, did not shut. Instead, they stared up at the ceiling, tracing more pictures with just her eyes. There was image that kept repeating in her head, over and over again until she could almost look away and still see it in the same spot.

It's lines were simple, and yet so confusing to those who didn't understand the meaning. And, she saw it clear, it speaking to her. The image was laced with loyalty and… _love_? As if she knew what that felt like.

 ** _Because you do._**

She was almost frightened by the voice, not hearing it for so long that she assumed it was gone. It sounded tired, worn and raspy as it chided her with sarcasm clear in its feminine tone. She wanted to shout back at it, the only thing stopping her was the cold hands of the nurses holding her down as if she were a mad woman.

She pulled back the sleeve of her hospital gown, gasping at the star-shaped mark there. It was the same one that she kept repeating in her head, except instead of being as dark as she'd imagined it, it was white, pure. It was a tattoo of some sort, and she was mortified that it was only their because of some meaning she couldn't remember, and now it would always be there. A chilling reminder of how she was no longer that same girl who would lay down on the grass with her boyfriend and take pictures.

No, not the same girl at all.

* * *

 **AU: Like I said, lengthy chapters. At least for what I normally write.**

 **Instead of them sharing the same birthmark, I opted for matching tattoos.**

 **Keep up with the reviews!**


	3. Piano

**Playlist:**

 **Shower- _Alleyways_ by _The Neighbourhood_**

 **The garden- _Human_ by _Christina Perri_**

 **Chatting in the Chapel- _Once Upon a Dream_ By _Lana Del Rey_**

 **"Clary?"- _Ghosts_ by _James Vincent McMorrow_**

* * *

"Ms. Fairchild, would you like to take a shower?" A nurse asked Clary, peeking her head through the hospital door. Clary was sitting in her bed, flipping through the pages of a book that was placed near her bed. She wondered if her taste had changed ever since the accident, because the book wasn't all that intriguing to her. Not that startling as it would have been to the girl in the many pictures.

"Uh, sure." Clary answered, closing the book. From outside her window, someone revved their engine, a loud crack of intimidation echoing in the california sky. It scared Clary, making her clutch at the covers around her and wish for him to protect her. She didn't know why it scared her to hear such a thing, or why it made her flinch; but she did anyway. The nurse seemed to be unfazed by the noise, only passing through the room and to the bathroom to start the shower.

And Clary was scared again, the noise of the shower starting making her want to stay in the room. Away from the faux rain. Why she considered it rain was beyond her knowledge. Thinking of rain made her somber, and lonely. Lost without something. Someone.

Clary shook her head, standing up and walking to the shower. The nurse placed some towels at the seat of the lidded toilet. The room was just as white as the one it was attached to. Just as boring, and just as sanitary.

"Just shout if you need anything." She said, turning her back and leaving Clary alone. She shrugged the thinly crafted gown off of her shoulder, momentarily gazing at the tattoo in the foggy bathroom mirror. Looking at herself was so strange. The impact her red hair had on her skin, or the way her green eyes tore through the mask of confidence. A thin line of freckles was dusted across her nose, like sprinkles on a cake. Her small hands traveled up her face, in awe of how little she knew of it. Her ivory skin was entrancing, so soft, like the top of smoothed creme.

Some parts of her skin were brighter than the rest, shining like silver. _Scars_. That's what they were.

Clary glanced at the shower, wary of entering; as if it would take her away from the bathroom and transport her to a place she could not recognize. She persevered, entering the path of the faucet and soaking her skin in the deliciously warm downpour.

The shower water was warm against her exposed back. It felt nice, nice to be in solitude where no one would pester her about the person she used to be. She couldn't even say she wanted to be that person again. To be that artistic dreamer who loved widely and powerfully.

Today, a few people had stopped by, not people. _Doctors_. Asking her if she remembered the slightest about the night before. Wondering what may have triggered her void of memory for the minutes before. They didn't tell her what it was that she did. What made them hold her down with strength that should be used against criminals and not a small woman.

Shower water slid down her back, occasionally hitting the floor instead of her. Her skin was a flushed red, unlike its usual ivory. Something about a shower was… terrifying. How alone she was. How vulnerable she was to anything that could harm her. The soft patter of water was erratic, it reminded her of…

 **Rain**.

Yes, rain. And suddenly, she could hear more than rain _**falling from the sky. She could hear the purring of an engine, the increasing speed of a vehicle. The crack of lighting in the sky as a storm raged on. Her phone was ringing incessantly, alerting her of the man she was running away from. The love she was running away from-**_

Clary slipped in the shower, landing on her forearm.

"Nurse!" She shouted, pulling herself out of the shower and grabbing a towel from the toilet seat to cover herself. The same nurse came sprinting in, lowering her eyes to where Clary was. Turning off the shower, she squated to Clary's level, lifting her up and securing another towel over her shoulder.

"What happened?" She asked as she walked Clary out of the bathroom.

"I- I don't know. I was taking my shower and I must've blanked out and slipped." Clary stammered, taking a seat on a chair and thinking about the minutes prior. Surprisingly, the nurse didn't pester her further on what happened. Instead giving her the time to dry herself and change back into her gown; which Clary did.

She picked up the same book again, looking at its writing and wondering what the author was thinking as they scribbled meaningless babble onto the paper. The words were choppy and the subjects were always changing; a plot never appearing evident, the only thing remaining constant was her confusion.

The door to her room clicked, and she lifted her head to see the woman that had ran out of her room yesterday; too distraught to realize her daughter was gone. Now she was back, probably expecting the impossible yet again.

"Hi." She smiled, and Clary didn't return a matching one. The grin slipped from her face and Jocelyn cleared her throat. "I was wondering if you would like to do something?"

* * *

"Oh, you were such a cute baby!" Jocelyn smiled, but Clary felt nothing as she stared at the pictures of a camera-startled baby. Perhaps the only reason she agreed to this was to go outside and see the many flowers that grew in the hospital's garden. Together, they sat on a bench in the middle of a meadow of daisies and sprinklers.

"Was I?" She said, feigning interest for the sake of the woman's happiness. It was true that she could feel no attachment towards her, but sparing her of any more grief could compensate for that at least.

"Yes! Luke had such a hard time letting you go to school for the first time that I had to take you from the house earlier so he couldn't keep you there." She laughed, pausing for a moment before flipping the page of the photo album she'd brought along with her. This one was different than the last. It had more pictures focusing on her child development and not things such as holidays and family gatherings. A few times Clary had to blush at moments where Jocelyn snapped a photo of her using the bathroom for the first times.

"Can I ask you something?" Clary blurted, making Jocelyn freeze.

"Sure, anything sweetie." She didn't snap at Jocelyn for calling her the nickname, at this was somehow an accomplishment. The question had been gnawing at her head for the past thirty minutes, ruining her focus on the album.

"How did I get in a car accident?" She asked quietly. There was a moment of hesitation before Jocelyn opened her mouth to answer her. Her eyes were glistening as she began, tears forming where that probably had been for the past five years.

"You and Jace were in some kind of fight, I think he broke something, whatever. What happened was that you ran out of the house, taking off in your car." Jocelyn hissed, closing her eyes to regain concentration. "It was raining, and that must have impaired your vision, and there was this branch in the road. Whether you hit it or not, you ended up rolling along the cliffside," Clary unconsciously raised her hand to her head, wondering if that was why she couldn't remember anything.

"No, that wasn't how you lost your memory." Jocelyn answered the silent question

"Then how?" She asked.

"Well, there was another car, it hit yours and you basically got grinded into the road with the weight of a ton on you. You're lucky to be alive." She answered.

"But I can't even remember what being alive _feels_ like. I can't remember anyone or anything. Everyone else can remember this ghost of me, that girl I used to be. I feel like some intruder, some imposter that has taken form as your daughter. And I _hate_ that." Clary sighed. She could feel the pity radiating from Jocelyn, or maybe that was her arm wrapped around her shoulder. Clary didn't know what to do, whether she could hold her back or just sit still. Not seeing the harm in the attempt, she hugged her back.

 _ **"You're engaged? He proposed?!" Jocelyn squealed to her daughter. Clary nodded, excited just as much. Her mother wrapped her in a hug so tight that she could barely breath, let alone speak.**_

Clary pushed Jocelyn back, losing her balance in the mean time and falling off of the bench. She looked into the woman's concerned eyes, scared of what had just happened. The memory was so clear, so emotional. So potent in her sensitive mind. She didn't know where it came from, or how it formed, but it had reared its head somehow and now she couldn't stop seeing the image play over and over in her head again. Of that happiness.

She could see the smile so clear on her own face in the memory, of that careless instinct to love her mother. Their surroundings were blurry, but rustic. Somewhere far, where civilization couldn't interfere. It was as if she could feel the excitement of the ghost Clary pumping through her veins. There was too much feeling absorb in her head. There were pieces of the memory that she knew she'd never feel again. Especially how Jocelyn had been so proud when she looked at her daughter. Unlike now. Now, Clary scared her. It was evident in her wide eyes as she slid to the edge of the bench, worried that Clary would do something on impulse.

"Clary? What is it?" Jocelyn asked, but it somehow felt wrong to call her that. To title her by her first name and not relation.

"Mom?" She croaked, calling her the name on instinct. Or maybe it was the intoxication of knowledge that made her do so. She wanted to have that memory replicated in other scenarios in her life. She wanted Jocelyn to keep feeling proud of her, to love her again like she once did. Like a mother loved a daughter.

Maternal instinct flooded into Jocelyn's eyes, and she joined Clary on the ground, hugging her tightly and sobbing incoherently.

"Come back, Clary. I miss you so much. _We_ miss you so much." She corrected, but Clary couldn't do anything to trigger the memory. To trigger some recollection or emotion or _feeling_. But her heart remained just as cold, concrete, _cealed_ as it was the day before. Was it stupid to want to be vulnerable, maybe; yet she wanted to be that way again. To be that girl who did things based on emotion and want. On a bias of recollection and past experiences.

"Please let go of me," she whimpered, and Jocelyn froze. The older woman peeled herself back, looking into her daughter's eyes and wondering what she had done wrong. **_Nothing_** , the voice piped up, but Clary didn't bother to respond to it, staring back at Jocelyn with equal fear. It was as if she were a drained battery, constantly being plugged into things for people to find out that she didn't work.

"I'll get a nurse," Jocelyn murmured, turning and leaving Clary.

And then she was gone.

"Would you like to walk around a little bit?" A nurse asked her and she nodded, not wanting to return to the white room that she'd lain in for the past five years. With a cautious warning, the nurse told Clary of the places she could and could not visit, trusting her as if she were someone who hadn't just woken up from a half-decade coma.

Clary meandered around the hospital, deciding to visit one of the places the nurse told her about. Constantly was she running into people who were coughing heavily or screaming loudly about a baby that was ripping through them, but she tried to pay no mind to them. And finally, at the sound of sniffles and prayers was where she wanted to journey.

The doors to the large room were weighted with steel, her having to give an extra push to open it. Almost immediately, the air had turned brittle, crispy as it traveled down her lungs and provided her with whatever life it could give, being that this was place where life was ending and forming.

Painted glass tinted the light that streamed in through the window. Depictions of angels and saviors were drawn on them. Candles were placed at random, some even by the shining grand that was just itching to be played. It wasn't the twitching of fingers that brought her here, but the replay of a tune in her head that was driving her mad. If this was all the tension release she got, then so be it.

And someone had beat her to it.

His head was bowed, his back hunched as he 'tickled the ivories.' From what she was hearing, he was skilled, more than a year perhaps. The sound was tugging at her brain with a certain call, beckoning something forth and presenting it to broken mind.

" _You always did like Satie,_ " Clary sighed, not before realizing what she had said. The man playing the piano slammed on the keys, startled by her, angry that she had interrupted his song if not that. He lifted his head, revealing him to be the man that had been so desperate for the ghost of what she used to be. Had practically begged her for the impossible just like her mother. "I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you." She stuttered, turning to leave.

"Clary? Wait!" He called out, and she stopped, facing him with nervousness that she didn't know if in the past she was this way. "Stay with me?" Jace questioned. Clary found herself walking over to him, sitting next to him, facing the old keys of the piano and wondering if he was playing for her.

"I'm sorry for last night, I didn't mean to scare you." Jace whispered, she nodded, not really sure why he was apologizing. How was someone to react when the person they loved was gone, unable to remembering everything they had shared together and instead feeling nothing but hollowness towards them?

"I don't know what happened," she admitted to him. "One moment I'm going to sleep and the next… people are holding me down and telling me to be calm." It was almost funny how shocking the scene was to her. How startled she'd been at waking up to such a sight. "And that, you loved me?" She added quietly. Jace cleared his throat, unsure of how to answer.

"Can you tell me about us? How we used to be?" Clary asked.

"We grew up together." Jace shrugged.

"And then?" She urged on. He gave a constricted laugh, squeezing the leather seat under them in what was to be frustration.

"We fell in love. Or rather, I fell in love and you saw me as a brother." He chuckled. She was amazed at how calm he was.

"Really? I didn't reciprocate it?" It amazed her that the past her could not so easily have fallen in love with such a wonderful man.

"Yeah," he assured.

"What brought us together?" Clary said with furrowed brows, trying to guess just how she someone could learn to love another when before they could not.

"I manned up and kissed you." Jace said, smiling at a memory she could not look back on. It was like trying to summarize a movie you hadn't seen. She was incapable of such a thing. "So you really can't remember anything? Not even little moments?" Jace asked softly. Clary shook her head with remorse, wishing she could even recall his last name; what would have been hers too if she hadn't gotten in an accident.

"Can you tell me how I got this?" She asked, pulling down the collar of her hospital gown to show the odd imprint on her shoulder. He gasped, reaching out to touch it but then stopping himself. She almost wished would just touch her. Almost.

"I have the same one." He said, pulling down his collar as well to show her a mark that matched hers. The white ink tracing lines identical to her own.

 _ **"Where do you want it?" The burly man asked him, scratching at his beard, not minding the needle in his hand.**_

 _ **"Right here," Jace said, pointing to his shoulder, turning to smile at her. The man nodded, wiping Jace's shoulder with some cloth that was wet with a chemical before bringing the needle to his skin.**_

She snapped back to where she was, as if a rubber band had just broken and ripped away her connection. Clary didn't have time to react to the vision before it was over, before she was back in the chapel.

"Why did we get them?" Her eyes couldn't tear away from his revealed skin, wanting to see more, hoping to remember more when she did.

"We saw a constellation while on vacation and you wanted to remember it forever, so we got a tattoo of a star." Clary could hear the strain in his voice as he spoke. She wished she known such a time when they were in love and not the stranger he was to her now. She reached out for him, touching his hand, and pulling back with a force twice as strong, shocked at the electricity that ran between them. That he generated into her conductor of a body.

And suddenly, she recalled some of the night before.

"I forgive you," she said, barely audible with her breath of a whisper. Jace looked at her, his hand returning to hers, scared that he'd done something wrong, or if she was talking about when she'd shouted at him. "I was just scared. We were so young, and I thought that you'd realize you deserved so, so much more." Her train of thought vanished, like a flame being torn from a candle.

"Clary?" He spoke up.

"Huh? Sorry, I blanked out." She apologized sheepishly. He stared at her for a long second, his eyes roaming around her face till they settled on her own, green ones. A sigh strung out from his full lips, cascading warm air on her cheeks.

"Do you want to hear some of the songs you used to listen to?" He blurted.

"Sure, but I doubt it will bring anything for me."

"You always said how amazing it would be to experience something again for the first time, to hear a song or watch a movie." Jace commented, placing his hands on the grand. She watched, nervous if it would bring a bout of memories forth.

He played some keys, they sounded beautiful, melodic. And even if there were some repetitions, it all sounded like a surprise masterpiece. She had no idea how he could remember the notes when all the keys looked the same, though their sounds definitely weren't.

"What song was that?" She asked.

"Secrets, One Republic. You loved that song. And not just the 'keep the radio on that station whenever it was on' kind of love, but the 'that's my morning alarm, ringtone, and I made my boyfriend learn how to play it on the piano' kind of love." He laughed.

"Okay, next one." She said, feeling mortified. He began again, the notes having a darker feel to them as he played. She couldn't imagine that she'd ever like a song so somber, so full of longing. But, nonetheless, her fingers would occasionally twitch to it for whatever reason. Jace would momentarily look back at her fingers, somehow knowing they would move, and this made him smile. "I _liked_ that one?" Clary gasped.

"I brought my keyboard in once, a couple years after you were in a coma, and you responded to it. Like you are now." He noted, and she felt self conscious for having him laboriously play for her when he could have been moving on. Maybe that's why she reacted to it, she hated to see him so pained. "Needless to say, that became my favorite song too." He smiled.

"What was that one called?" She asked.

"I feel like this is plagiarism if I don't let you listen to the original." He snorted. "I'll let you listen to it later," He promised. The next one was just as beautiful as the rest, but more romantic. Prettier, if a song could be that.

"And that one?"

"Video Games, by Lana Del Rey."

"It sounds so sad…" She groaned, her emotions tugged by the piano keys. "Can you play a happy one?" She asked.

"Happy? Fine." Jace said, already starting yet another song. The song's tempo started out slow, gaining momentum after about twenty seconds. Then it was intense, painting a picture in her head. A smile broke out across her face as she watched him play, as he over exaggerated the notes and crashed them together. At the end, he slid his hand across the piano, a loud noise echoing through the chapel.

"Dustland Fairytale, m'lady." He said, bowing his head, though he didn't touch her. They both laughed at his display, her nearly falling off of the bench as she gasped for breath.

Something about this felt so familiar to her, the laughing, the feeling of security that he brought her. And she knew that it was true, that he loved her as much as someone could love another. More than that even.

"You know, I always go here when they don't let me in your room. And even then, playing helps me calm down. But when you woke up that day, no recognition in your eyes, I felt I had lost you. More than I thought I would if you did remember." Jace began, making her wary of where he was leading up to.

"It's like you're a picture of the girl I love, I can touch you, feel the same emotions, but _you_ can't." He touched her arm, her skin prickling at his touch.

"Did you wait for me?" She questioned, remembering what the nurse had told her the night before. That Jace had tried to leave her, but would always return with regret clear on his face.

"At first, I did." He whispered.

"At first?" She repeated, beginning to stand up. His gaze landed at his feet, Clary taking her arm out of his grip.

"I thought that you were going to die, that's what the doctors told me. So I tried to move on, try to meet new people." Jace continued.

"But you loved me?" She breathed, taking a few steps back, not knowing what it was that she was feeling. _**Cheater!** _ The voice in her mind screamed. On impulse, the voice took over, ready to claw at him.

 _"I waited for you! For almost five years, I waited for you! And you did what? Try to get back out there?"_ She growled, turned and trudging down from the steps that made way for the piano.

"Clary?" Jace asked, and she could hear him stand up and sprint to her side, grabbing her arm and spinning her to face him. "Clary?" He whispered, his eyes wide and looking into hers for the remnants of his fiancée . She looked at him with eyes just as wide, feeling herself begin to disintegrate.

And he kissed her.

Cupping the back of her neck to smash his lips against hers. She melted to him, just like she always would. Their bodies were warm against each other, missing the comfort that the other's presence brought. Clary could taste salt when she kissed him, as he sucked on her bottom lip and breathed into her mouth. She tugged at the collar of his leather jacket, an odd squeak being made when she'd lose grip. Memories of them together shifted through her head like a deck of cards being shuffled.

At some point, his lips stopped feeling warm and familiar, turning into stone against her now numb skin. Her eyes fluttered open and all she could look at was his golden skin so close to her that she immediately shoved him back, the current that ran between them snuffing out like a flame; but not before burning them both.

"Clary-" He began, reaching towards her.

"Don't touch me!" She snapped, her skin shuddering, feeling electrified from his hands running along the nerves of her arms and the back of her neck. Jace looked shocked, too surprised to know how to react other than reach out for her, which made her step back; eventually sprinting away from him and to the room that had taken her as a resident. Both staff and patients looked at her strangely as she made her way back to her room, and Clary had half a mind to shout at them. Lucky for them, she was too busy wiping away tears that had mysteriously sprung. Of course, she wasn't angry.

The things she felt when he touched her were so powerful that she was down right _scared_ of him. Clary didn't even know a person could experience emotional statuses that high. She was a mess right now, feeling things that were meant for the girl who should have died. Who was considered that after a new person occupied her mind. She felt like she was slipping, losing control over her body to a ghost.

"Clary? Are you alright?" A nurse asked, who happened to be placing food in her room the moment Clary barged in it. Clary gave her a stiff nod, sniffing in any sobs that had dared to escape her. "Okay, well I was getting you dinner, if you would like some?" She asked.

"Sorry, but I think right now I need to sleep." Clary suggested. The nurse looked wary to grant her permission to go without food. " _Please_." She added, and the nurse finally walked out of the room.

* * *

 **AU: So the song Jace was playing was playing while she was in a coma was _Afraid_ by _The_ _Neighbourhood_. The song could be meant for Jace in a way that he was scared of moving on, or for Clary as she was scared of replacement. The next chapter might include more on how Jace has or hasn't moved on. **

**Thank you to all who like the story!**

 **And as always, reviews are appreciated!**


	4. Eight Times

**Playlist:**

 **Jace- _Love and Feeling_ by _Chet Faker_**

 **Someone to talk to- _Fourfiveseconds_ by _Rihanna, Kanye West and Paul McCartney_**

 **Memory- _Cigarette Daydreams_ by _Cage The Elephant_**

 **Drive- _Snap out of it_ by _Arctic Monkeys_**

 **Walking- _The Love Club_ by _Lorde_**

 **Eating- _Undiscovered_ by _Laura Welsh_**

 **Radio- _Ho Hey_ by _The Lumineers_**

 **Blinded- _Fun_ by _Troye Sivan_**

 **Eight- _This Love_ by _Maroon 5_**

 **Mine- _Marching On_ by _OneRepublic_**

 **Sensitive- _What Part Of Forever_ by _Cee-Lo Green_**

* * *

He woke up, feeling warm with their bodies so close to each other in bed. Her blonde hair was spread out across her pillow, and he wished it was red. She grumbled, pulling him closer when he tried to put space between them. Jace rolled his eyes, giving in and kissing her forehead, making her smile.

"Go back to sleep, Baby." She breathed, resting her head against his bare chest, her fingernails raking up his bicep as she held him to her. Not that he had anywhere to go if he did. They were at her place right now, which was common, as he didn't want her to go to his house, the decorations not having changed since Clary ran out of it screaming at him.

Yesterday had left him so _exhausted_ , emotionally and physically. Emotionally being that for a moment, he thought that he had gotten his ex-fiancee back, just as he did the night before. Physically being that he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before when heard her screaming for him in the waiting room. The look in her eyes was of pure terror, _horror_ , of just the shock of being there. As if she didn't know where she was. As if she had just woken up from her coma at night instead of day.

The blonde next to him had yet to find out about her, as most women usually ran for the hills when they learned he'd been previously engaged. Or they just wanted sex out of him. He couldn't believe that he, Jace Herondale, could not find a woman to love him. Love was a drug, a drug he'd become addicted to when he first met Clary as a child, and when it got taken away from him, he needed to find his next fix; searching for it in bars, libraries and even the gym.

She understood that he'd loved someone before her, but that was as far as her knowledge went. Jace had spent so long believing that Clary was dead, gone forever, until she woke up questioning who the people in her room were. It was a cruel joke cast upon him by the universe. As if it wanted him to see her face everyday and know that she could not remember all the times they spent together. The memories _they_ created.

He should have known she was gone when he heard a truck slamming into her wrecked car over the phone.

"Kae, I need to go." He groaned, kissing her forehead one last time before detaching from her. She groaned loudly, turning her head and hugging a pillow that was next to her.

"Later, Babe." She mumbled, waving her hand at him as he left the room. He tugged his shirt off, opting to take a shower to wash her off of him when he went to see Clary. Jace was confused on how to deal with the situation. To leave a woman he cared about for one that was a ghost of his highschool sweetheart. There wasn't an answer that wouldn't hurt someone, or him.

* * *

"Wait? So you're saying that Jace punched you in the face for kissing me?" Clary asked Sebastian. He had a cup of coffee in his hand and was sitting on her bed. She felt comfortable around him. He wasn't expecting anything out of her, or who she used to be. He was someone who was just interested in holding a conversation. She _really_ needed someone like that.

"Yeah, you were pretty pissed at him for that." Sebastian chuckled, setting the coffee on the bedside table to avoid spilling in on the white hospital bed. Clary fidgeted with a cup of her own. Nearly five years without the buzz had quite the effect on her.

She had to say that she was glad she didn't have to wear the hospital gown anymore, opting out for her own clothes. Clary was glad that her previous style wasn't dresses and heels, and instead on the more comfortable side like athletic shorts and a loose tshirt.

"I can see why," she giggled, probably from the kick the coffee was giving her. Her nerves were on fire, along with her bladder, as she tried to get as much of the brown drink down her throat. "Did I kiss you back?" Clary wondered.

"That's why he punched me. It's like he knew you were his even as children. Didn't want you falling for the _rich boy_." He shrugged.

"Rich boy?" She repeated.

"I'm not bragging, but in the first grade I offered you a horse if you would've dated me." Sebastian grinned. "Let's just say that you weren't _opposed_ to the idea." Clary felt her cheeks flame.

"How much do horses cost?" Clary asked.

"They're pretty damn expensive if you buy the right ones." Sebastian answered with a crooked grin. His hair was slicked to the right, and his clothes matched more than Jace's or Simon's outfits. Something about him screamed successful, and it was most likely the large phone he would occasionally take out of his pocket and answer.

He stood up, making her believe he was leaving.

"Where are you going?" Clary panicked.

"Just going to ask the nurse something. Be back in a minute." He responded, headed for the room door. She let out a breath of relief, her not wanting to spend yet another day alone. Well, she wasn't _entirely_ alone. She had her empty mind and zero memories to look back on. So there was that.

He came back, still smiling, and shrugged off his coat. Clary raised her brow, confused.

"You wanna go somewhere?" He asked. Her eyes widened in shock.

"But I can't-"

"I asked, the nurse said as long as you're back by today, and to at least tell one other person where we're going, that you can leave. And I already called your _mom_ …" His crooked grin spread to her own face until she was just as giddy, already reaching for her running shoes that were tossed next to the bed.

"Wait, I don't have a jacket…" She thought outloud. No, there wasn't really a need with the warm california air. Being so small and skinny as she was, she wanted to be prepared for any exceptions.

"You can use mine, I have another in my car if I need it." Sebastian said, extending his arm and offering her the hoodie with the name of an expensive college on it. Clary grabbed at the cotton, sliding her head through the bottom and sticking her arms through the sleeves. It was big on her, but it wasn't _too_ big. She could manage.

Clary slipped her shoes on, then stared at the laces in confusion. When she lifted her gaze, Sebastian was looking at her, his fingers twitching at his sides. Before she could ask for help, he was already moving towards her.

"Let me do that," He laughed, taking her foot in his lap and lacing the strings in an intricate knot. She liked the feeling of someone taking care of her that wasn't a nurse, like it wasn't his obligation and yet he still helped her. It was… nice.

"There, all better," Sebastian said, patting her shoes and standing up. He offered a hand for her to pull on when she stood, and she took it without hesitation.

"So where are we going?" Clary asked him as they walked down the halls of the hospital. He looked at her, running a hand through his jet black hair.

"It wouldn't really be a secret if I told you," he replied.

"So it's a secret then?" Her eyes widened at the many places she could end up. Just watching commercials and TV shows had her wondering what the world had to offer someone who couldn't remember leaving the hospital grounds.

When they approached the parking lot, she couldn't help but stare at the shining black camaro that was parked up front. While she was staring, she heard him clear his throat, gaining her attention. Clary didn't know why he did that, but remembering their previous conversation, recalled that he had nearly bought her a horse in the first grade.

"Please tell me that isn't your car." She pleaded with humor.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian said with a sheepish grin, guiding them both to the car; only to stop and take out his keys that would unlock the car. Even the noises it made sounded lavish to her. Overdone, _expensive_. "What do you think? Too much?"

"If you were going for the player look, then congrats." Clary answered honestly.

"Actually, I was going for the whole _I'm sensitive to harsh comments please don't be mean_ kind of look." She couldn't help but erupt into a string of giggles. He tried not to pay any mind to her as he opened the car door for her. The car had a smell she recognized, almost _new_.

 _ **"No, you didn't?!" Clary laughed as Jace waved a pair of keys in front of her. He nodded at her and she pushed herself past him, running into their front yard and seeing something that could make her mother shake with worry.**_

 _ **She turned back to him, running at full speed and finally throwing herself into his arms, wrapping her own around his neck. It surprised him, but he caught her anyway, kissing the side of her face.**_

 _ **"Why do**_ **you** _ **get two cars?" She huffed.**_

 _ **"Who said it was mine?" He asked, and she pulled back, taking in what he said before peppering his face with kisses. "Now, let's see what all the hype is about car sex." She squealed when he lifted her legs, carrying her bridal style; blushing as he unlocked the car with the keys in his hand.**_

Clary tore away from the vision with a gasp, then played it off as something caught in her throat. The visions were becoming more frequent, triggering strange emotions in her. She wasn't necessarily reliving them. A more accurate statement was to say that she was watching them from her own point of view, as if they were a movie and she its audience.

While he drove, they talked about meaningless things, if she cared for the california weather or if she much rather prefered something colder.

"Slow down," she commented as they drove down a highway she couldn't recognize. Clary closed her eyes, trying to gain control over her breathing as he decreased his speed to something she was comfortable with.

"Clary?" He spoke up, and upon not hearing her respond, he grew concerned. "Hey, look at me, you're all right. Nothing's going to happen to you." His hand touched hers, intertwining their fingers till she could not help but feel a connection to him. "I won't let it." He softly added. She tore her gaze from the window, losing her fear in his brown eyes.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I do that. Why I tense up, it just happens." She shrugged.

"Don't dismiss your own feelings. Tell me when you feel like that again and I'll pull over." Sebastian said before turning his attention to the road and continuing their journey. She hoped they weren't going some place… sentimental. She didn't want to disappoint him if she couldn't remember what it was that had taken place in a certain area.

After driving for what felt like forever, her falling asleep a couple of times on the way, he pulled into a more urban area, the occasional tricycle being spotted by her. There were cheap playgrounds that were nothing more than twisted metal and rusted chains, but there was something about them that made a smile breakout across her face. A family was throwing a party there, small children wearing pointed hats with varying colors. Parents looked exhausted, but still they smiled, and Clary wondered if she was ever given a party such as this one.

Some of the tall trees that sprouted in front of houses had a thick rope and tire attached to them. Sprinkles were twitching in the yards of daycares and churches. Rolling down the window, the steady wind brought forth the sound of birds chirping and… bells? **_Wind chimes,_ ** the voice reminded her. The smell of someone grilling made her mouth water. The place was in no way significant to her, _but_ , there was an element that made her want to explore it. To see what other senses it could invoke in her.

"Where _are_ we?" Clary asked incredulously, not looking back at Sebastian in fear that the urban territory would vanish. A light breeze carried warm air into the car, her hair brushing past her shoulders, but she didn't mind it. It was better than the cold, crisp air of the hospital. Sebastian sighed from inside the car, slowing to a stop to where he could park on the side of the street.

"This, Clary, is where you grew up." Sebastian answered. She turned to face him, unsure of how to respond.

"I grew up here? In this neighbourhood?" She said in awe. Sebastian pressed a button on his car door, unlocking both of theirs in the process. She stared at the door handle, nervous of venturing outside when she'd been in the hospital for what felt like her entire life. Or, what she could remember of it.

Which was nothing.

"Come on, let's go on a walk." He said with such enthusiasm that she didn't dare say no. She tugged on the door handle, another gust of warm air hitting when she stepped fully out of the car. It made her skin prickly, and each person that shouted would make her head spin. Someone placed their hand at her back and she startled, gasping.

"Sorry," Sebastian mumbled, pushing her in the direction of the cracked sidewalk. Depending on which direction they took, they'd either end up surrounded by stores or playgrounds. The choice was his, because she knew nothing of this neighbourhood. Well, at least she didn't know anything _now_.

"So, where do you want to start? We can see your old house, school, hangouts…?" He asked. When she heard hangouts, she saw a rebellious teenager smoking with a group of just-as-rebellious friends.

"Hangouts? I had hangouts?" She repeated in confusion.

"Well, I guess you can call them _my_ hangouts, but you were there most of the time." Sebastian explained. Clary thought about if she would like to see her old house, to be unable to remember anything about it. Or, if she would like to see a place that once brought her amusement, fun, and experiences.

"My old house, I guess." Clary shrugged, following Sebastian when he began to walk in a certain direction. _Better to save the fun for the end_. A few times did she have to watch out for the cracks in the sidewalk, them being so significant that he had to point them out beforehand.

"Were we like, bad kids or something? Why did we have hangouts?" Clary hypothesised. This made Sebastian laugh. Or, not really laugh, but snort in surprise of her most likely poorly made assumption.

"You? A bad kid? Come on, even now I can't imagine you doing anything more than sneaking out with your boyfriend." He guffawed. A boyfriend? Especially one she snuck out with? Clary couldn't picture Jace ever sneaking out with her and instead courting her to dances and picnics.

"I snuck out with my boyfriend? How do you know?" She asked through slitted eyes.

"Well, I was there to see it firsthand." Sebastian defended.

"Firsthand? How?" Her eyes were still narrow with doubt when his face began to redden. Sebastian: who appeared to be just as confident as Jace, was blushing.

"I was your boyfriend." Sebastian said with a cough. Clary sucked in a breath, scanning his face for any sign of longing that she had missed. There was no expectation though, nothing that would make her feel uncomfortable, so her frown smoothed and she began walking again. They were quiet for a while, the only noise being heard was the occasional slip she made on the sidewalk.

"Are you okay? You're being quiet." Sebastian noted. She nodded, swallowing thickly before answering.

"Yeah, it's just, you're the only person who hasn't looked at me like I'm in your debt. Like I owe it to you to be that girl again." She sighed.

"Well, you don't owe me anything." He finished, and they were talking again. About little things like they had done when he was driving. She chatted about how she'd seen some pictures of him a child, and he would comment on how he was the prettiest kid in the album. When he stopped, she figured it was to tie his shoes, but then he turned and faced a small house that was painted pink. Its porch was concrete, and surrounding it was a chainlink fence.

"Is this my house?" She asked him. There was a small twinge of hope that when she saw the old building, she'd instantly remember growing up there. Looking at the pink house made her feel nothing more than an empty confusion.

"Yeah."

"How do you know where I used to live?" Clare wondered.

"Dating, remember?" He reminded her, making her cheeks blush with recognition. She wondered if he'd ever seen inside the house. That thought certainly didn't help with the blush. "Quit blushing like that, we were hormonal teenagers and your parents loved to take your sister to the park." Sebastian groaned. She nodded, remembering her mother show her a picture of a girl much younger than her. Clary had to guess she was a teenager the way her hips were curved and stature was tall.

"Wait, how did Jace handle us dating? Didn't you say he punched you in face when we were kids?" Clary pondered.

"He didn't handle it, at all. But you were a girl worth getting punched for. So it all worked out." Sebastian smirked. Clary didn't put too much thought in his words, after all it had been five years in a coma to completely erase who she used to be. Who he used to adore.

"Just out of curiosity-"

"Five times. He punched me five times." Sebastian answered.

"I'm sorry," She apologized.

"I kind of deserved it though. Each time he caught us, we were in a compromising position. He was like your older brother or something, except he was in love with you. Funny how Jonathan actually liked me more than him." Sebastian snorted.

"Why did we break up?" Clary blurted, feeling regret for asking. He cleared his throat as if it were caught up in emotion, and finally he let out a long sigh; ready to tell her why their seemingly perfect relationship had ended.

"College. We were both going to different ones and we just decided to end it on good terms. We still kept in touch though." Sebastian detailed.

"Oh," she sighed. As she turned away from the house, her stomach rumbled, vibrating almost in a pain she had yet to experience. It was like her midsection was being compressed. Clary turned to Sebastian, confused.

"We should probably get something to eat," he smiled, checking his time on the watch. "Five o'clock. Yeah, time to eat." And they were off again, walking back to his car that made her worry of going too fast in a neighbourhood. The click of it unlocking startled her, making her think back to a time she didn't know she was present for.

 ** _The sound of a car flipping down a highway…_**

"What are you in the mood for then?" Sebastian said, pulling her out of her past senses.

"Huh?" She said, stupefied. He rolled his eyes, and she worried that he was mad at her, but his smile assured her that he was just amused.

"Well, there's this really great thing called a _hamburger_ , if you want to try that." He suggested. Clary nodded along, not sure if a _hamburger_ was as great as he claimed it to be. Sebastian's car would lift at every speed bump, the car appearing to levitate as it rolled over the concrete. Her nerves sparked and she gripped the handle above her head. When he saw this, he slowed down, much to her appreciation.

The smell of food reached her and all she could manage to do was keep herself from jumping out of the car and running to the restaurant. It also smelled unhealthy, but she didn't pay much attention to that aspect. Food was food, and she _needed_ food.

"What is this place?" Clary asked him. Through the windows she could see a small cluster of people eating oil-covered meals, picking fries from their plates and dipping them in various sauces. Her stomach grumbled in envy of the people, wanting to snatch away their precious food and eat it for herself. Life _had_ to get better than hospital food!

Against the small restaurant where people leaning, a cigarette burning between their crusted lips, she saw the bright neon sign scream the name out, but Sebastian answered her before she could announce her conclusion.

"Taki's Diner." He answered, pulling her to his side and opening the door for the both of them with his large hand. She muttered a _thank you,_ and he might have replied, but her eyes went automatically for the pretty blonde that was going to serve them.

"Clarissa Fairchild?!" She gasped, her hand flying to her heft bust. _Did she know this woman?_ The voice in the back of her head tried to shout something but Clary wanted to hear the blonde out.

"Do I _know_ you?" Clary wondered. The blonde looked taken aback, scoffing with a surprised grin.

"Uh, I'm _only_ the girl you worked with for your entire high school experience! _Hello_! We were like, really close. I haven't seen you in a while!" She whined.

"Errrm. I'm fine, actually." Clary improvised, not wanting to detail a car crash she couldn't remember.

"I can imagine! You went to college with that boyfriend of yours! What was his name again?" Sebastian cleared his throat, cutting of her train of thought.

"Oh hello _Sebastian_!" She said with a little too much enthusiasm. "If I remember correctly, weren't you _always_ trying to get her to leave work early?" She grinned deviously.

"You _may_ be right." Sebastian muttered.

"Anyways, I'll be serving you today! Would you like a booth or a table?" She asked them. Clary didn't know what a _booth_ was.

"Booth," Sebastian ordered, and the blonde was leading them down the checkered tile to what looked like two sofas and a table in between. Her blue eyes challenged Clary's green eyes, making her feel insignificant and intimidated in the process. Kaelie's bust was _much_ more impressive than Clary's, and her hair was less curly, almost pin-straight.

"I know Clary wants Dr. Pepper, but what do you want…?" She seemed to be fishing for Sebastian's name.

"Sebastian, and I'll have the same." Kaelie wrote down something on the notepad she had in her hand, smiling at them when she snapped it shut.

"I'll get that right away! Make sure to check out our afternoon specials before you order," Clary looked at the laminated menu in front of her, seeing pictures of sizzling entrees and bubbling drinks.

"You don't really need to look at the menu, we're just getting hamburgers, wouldn't want to overwhelm you on your first day out," Sebastian said. Clary tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, cursing herself for not bringing a rubber band to contain her hair.

"So I worked here?" She said, looking at the ceiling and the dirtied walls on the side.

"You did, and I almost got you fired a few times when I came to pick you up." He added.

"Really? How so?" She asked him.

"Something about public displays of affection are frowned upon here." He snorted with amusement, and possible embarrassment as well. As the minutes passed, Kaelie came and went, taking their orders and bringing their drinks. Clary found out that soda was _amazing_. It was as if fireworks were going off inside her mouth, sugar exploding and coating the surface. The hamburger was far more impressive than any hospital meal that had been prepared for. She vowed to herself that she'd eat at Taki's whenever it was possible.

"Did you like it?" Sebastian asked her as they stood from the booth.

" _Like_ is an understatement." She growled. Clary looked at the clock, the small hand pointing at _six_ and the big one pointing at _nine_. The amazing day was already coming to an end! "Can you show my old hangouts then?" She interjected.

" _Our_ old hangouts, but okay." Sebastian smirked, walking in front of her to unlock his car. The blonde, **_Kaelie,_** the voice reminded, waved goodbye at Clary before returning to whatever it was that she did. "It's getting late, so we'll just go to one of them." He frowned, but not for long. He opened the door on her side of the car, watching her get in and then sprinting to his side.

"Why is this one the best?" She challenged. He tore his eyes away from the road, looking at her for a second.

"I don't know, you liked it before, maybe you'll like it now." Sebastian replied. The sky was a bronzed orange, making her think of the day before, when Jace Herondale had scared her. Scared her of her own actions. Bugs were chirping in her ear as he drove through neighbourhood after neighbourhood, stopping at something she didn't expect.

"Why are we at an elementary school?" Clary blurted. He was parked outside of a chainlink fence that bordered a playground, which was built in the back of a children's elementary school. There was patch of ground that was flattened by concrete, close to where they were parked and yet inside the boundaries of the fence. Slides were scattered all around, and swings were never far from each one.

"I met you here, you were a sentimental person." Sebastian explained, pulling his keys out of the ignition and opening his door. He stopped, momentarily to take out his phone and running his hand across the glass screen. The radio flickered back to life, awaiting his command. Clary tugged herself out of her awestruck mind, preparing her voice of reason.

"We can't go in there! Someone will catch us!" Clary started.

"It's never stopped us before…" He grinned, gesturing to her unlocked door and silently challenging her to open it. For some reason, she listened to him and opened her door. Sebastian slid his phone back into his pocket, stepping out of the car and joining her on the sidewalk. He walked over to the small fence, easily stepping over it with his incredulous height.

"You are so bad for me." She laughed, putting her hands on the metal and climbing to the other side. With the sun dipping between the horizon, there was just enough light to allow her to walk without stumbling. Clary was grateful of the flattened concrete space, at least there were no surprise dips in the ground.

They were walking beside each other when he stopped directly in the middle of the paved square, pulling her against him.

"Let's dance?" He offered.

"There's no music, if you haven't noticed?" She reminded. He used one of his hands to dig into his pockets, turning his phone on and skimming through a list of things she couldn't exactly read from her short height. The stereo from his car began to play a soft tune, a guitar strumming into atmosphere.

"How is that possible?" Clary gaped.

"Bluetooth." He answered.

"What?"

"Nevermind. But now we can dance." Clary groaned to herself at his words, not seeing any way out of the situation.

"Remember this little thing called amnesia? It means I can't dance." She objected.

"You couldn't dance before either, I'll lead you. You'll be fine." His hand went to her to small of her back, the other taking hold of her right hand. Clary's left hand scrambled to him space under his arm, resting in the space between his hip and his rib. Each breath he exhaled landed on her head, and she could not help but smell his pleasant cologne. He smelled of pine and expensive clothing.

"Move with me," he said softly. Sebastian began to move her with the movements of his feet, rocking her side to side in his arms. When the the people in the song clapped loudly and a deeper sounding drum kicked in, he dipped her, pulling her back to him with a strong force. Gaining confidence, she swayed her hips, laughing when he twirled her by surprise. When the song ended, she looked at him, unsure of what was going on.

Another song followed in pursuit, a quicker beat and a boy who couldn't have been as old as the last singers. They didn't move as fast as the beat demanded, Clary settling to lean her head against his fabric-covered chest.

"I lied, he punched me two more times when you weren't around." Sebastian blurted, startling her from her dream-like state.

"Why?"

"Because I said something he didn't want to hear." Sebastian replied.

"What did you say?" She pressed on.

"That you and me were destined, that nothing was going to pull us apart. No, I can imagine he didn't like hearing that at all." He said, looking at the sinking sun.

"Was I really worth all that trouble?" Clary couldn't imagine taking a punch for someone.

"Oh, you were worth much, much more." He growled, gazing down at her with an intensity that reminded her of the man she used to be engaged to. Sebastian leaned in, and she saw no reason to recoil. Almost instinctively, her lips parted for him, awaiting his soft touch.

They were blinded by a white light, both springing apart from each other in shock.

"Hey!" Someone shouted in a deeply masculine voice. Sebastian grabbed her arm, tugging her along. They were both laughing like giddy teenagers, the man shouting at them as they ran into his car and shut the doors.

She squealed when he stepped on the gas, them both lurching backwards as he sped away from the school.

* * *

"Thank you for taking me out today, I had a lot of fun." Clary said to him. They were both standing in front of her room door. He had his shoulder leaning against the frame and wore a crooked grin that made her insides turn to liquid.

"No problem, I just wish we hadn't been caught." He smiled, his hands retrieving from his pocket and reaching out towards her, skimming up her arms. Resting at her shoulders, he pulled her close to him, leaning down and lifting her chin to where she couldn't avoid his gaze.

And the door flung open, a red-faced Jace glowering at Sebastian. There was a maddened look in his eyes, and he pulled back his fist only to slam it into Sebastian's face with twice as much force. Clary's teeth vibrated at the noise of Sebastian smacking the wall behind them, too shocked at what was going on to do much other than stare in horror.

"Trying to win her back, huh rich boy?" Jace growled, grabbing Sebastian by his shirt collar.

"Jace stop!" Clary screamed. A thin ribbon of blood was leaking down Sebastian's chin, dripping onto the back of Jace's hand.

"If I remember correctly, it was _you_ who took her away from me." Sebastian laughed, then violently pushed Jace back with the flat of his palms against his chest. "Oh, and that makes it eight now." He told Clary.

"Sebastian, I'm _so_ sorry." She apologized over Jace's shoulder.

"You're worth it, remember? I'll see you tomorrow?" He asked her.

"Like _hell_ you will!" Jace snapped before she could answer.

"That would be great." She told him, glaring at Jace in the process. Once Sebastian had walked out of her view, she walked into her room, not caring that Jace was following her.

"Take that off," Jace growled. She looked at him with wide, incredulous eyes.

"Take what off?" She asked with a growing anger.

"His jacket, take. It. _Off_." He commanded with a shaking voice. Seeing it now, she could see how easy they would have gotten into a fight the day of her accident.

"Why?!" She shouted. "Why the _hell_ do I have to listen to anything you say?!" Clary ranted. Jace flung his arms in the air, scoffing loudly and yet not looking at her

"Because, believe it or not, you're _mine_. And I don't want him thinking that you are in anyway his. So take that _damn_ jacket off before I rip it off with my own fucking hands." Jace seethed.

"Who says I'm yours? That I even _want_ to be such a thing?"

"You did, dammit! You said that you loved me, that you would always love me no matter what! Till death do us part!" Jace argued.

"You're kidding, right? Have you forgotten that none of that means anything now? I can't even remember saying that, because of _you_!" She said, feeling betrayed that if it weren't for him, that she wouldn't be so lost, so broken. He was the reason that she was a liability to everyone that loved her. Jace wiped the side of his face with the back of his hand, giving a heavy sniff and turned to leave.

"Jace, wait," she said, reaching out towards him. Heavy feelings of guilt blossomed in her head, and all she could think about how badly she missed him over those five years.

 _Wait, what?_ She said, not hearing the words leave her mouth.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to go fucking ninety down the highway." And he slammed the door behind him as he left. She was devastatingly confused as to what was going on. Her eyes blinked quickly, hoping to scatter any moisture that happened to be there, but it was of no use. Her thoughts spaced out, and there was a pounding in her head. And all she could see was an empty space where Jace previously stood.

"What's happening to me?" She sobbed, gripping the railing of the bed as she collapsed to her knees.

* * *

 **AU: So this may or may not have confused you, but during the story there are times when Clary regains her memory. I see it as when she's lucid, or herself again. It really confuses the the _now_ Clary when there are holes in her memory, or if she did something. Little things tend to invoke this. An example is in the last chapter and she yelled at him for not waiting for her, yeah, like that.**

 **Also, you may have noticed that she gets startled by things such as when she started a shower and how it sounded like rain to her, or someone revving up their car engine. Things like that both scare and confuse her because some part of her is unconsciously reminded of the car accident, but she doesn't remember the accident so it just makes her think she's going insane.**

 **While reading the chapters, there _are_ moments when she gets a flashback, but like she said, she's not reliving it and more of watching it from her own point of view. Like watching a home movie.**

 **I know it might be frustrating that Jace and Clary are going their separate ways, but when she was driving, she kept saying how it was as if they weren't meant to be together, always facing obstacles. It all kinda depends on Jace to show her why she fell in love with him without confusing her.**

 **So, keep up with the reviews! The quicker ya'll respond, the quicker I start the next chapters.**


	5. Alone

**Dreaming- _The Only Exception_ by _Paramore_**

 **Decisions- _Gooey_ by _Glass Animals_**

 **Someone else- _Are You Hurting The One You Love_ by _Florence & The Machine_**

 **Lucid- _Blue Velvet_ by _Lana Del Rey_**

* * *

 ** _"I have a surprise for you," she purred, beckoning him with her index finger. She was wearing his shirt, resembling a white nightgown on her. Her red hair was up in a high ponytail, curls framing her face just how he liked it. His dick twitched at the mere sight of her, and he wondered what she had planned for him._**

 ** _Once he reached her, she ran her hands up his chest, taking the hem of his shirt along with them. His mouth had begun to dry, Jace shutting it with a thick swallow. He lifted his arms, letting her pull the shirt over his head with eagerness that amused her._**

 ** _"Close your eyes, Baby." She whispered into his ear, his pants becoming uncomfortably tight to him in an instant. Jace did as she asked, his hands running down to unfasten his belt and just take her. But damn him if her dominance wasn't sexy._**

 ** _She took his hand, guiding him across their small house until she came to a stop. He heard a door click open and the air became stuffier to him when she walked him a few steps forward._**

 ** _"Open them," Clary breathed into his neck, planting a kiss before pulling back. Jace peeled open his eyes, and widened them in shock._**

 ** _"Did you do this, Baby?" Jace asked, gazing at the candles that were expertly placed. He slid his hand around her waist, making her lean against him._**

 ** _"Yeah, I figured we could try something?" She said with an uncertain tone._**

 ** _"What is it?" He asked her._**

 ** _"Well, since you_ graciously _learned how to play a song on the piano for me, I thought we could do something fun with paint. Ya know?" She asked him, and he put on a fake smile, disappointed that she hadn't straddled him the moment they stepped into the greenhouse. There were blank canvases placed stacked on the floor, just waiting for her to take out her artistic frustrations on. But him? He didn't know the first thing about drawing._**

 ** _"Anything you want, Baby." Jace said, taking the blank canvas that she offered to him. Placed on the floor was small glass can full of pain she'd bought on her own time. She showed him what to do by dipping her fingers in one color and placing it on her own canvas._**

 ** _"I want you to draw me," she whispered, and Jace nearly grimaced at the request. Clary was far too beautiful to have her image ruined by his poor painting took a seat on the floor, and she made him sit across from her._**

 ** _He dipped his hand in the eggshell-colored paint, running his fingers along the white canvas until he was certain it resembled a human head. It didn't look too bad! But compared to something Clary would paint, it was complete and utter trash. He looked over at her, seeing her brows furrowed in concentration as her fingers moved quickly across the canvas. She caught his stare and wiggled her eyebrows at him before returning to her project._**

 ** _Jace placed his fingers in the lower center of what was to be her face and moved them around until a pair of lips were formed in a smile. He smiled back, and lifted his gaze to see Clary staring at him strangely. He tugged at his lips with his teeth, a move that she could not resist._**

 ** _"Jace Herondale, I swear if you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to mess up your drawing." Clary threatened. Jace scrunched his nose, making her lose her serious tone and burst into giggles. He swore that was one of his favorite sounds to hear that came out of her. Others, well…_**

 ** _"What's the point of this? There is no way I can capture your beauty with my shitty drawing skills!" He groaned, doing his best and using his fingers to smear the red paint and mimic her curls._**

 ** _"That's not the point, Jace. I want something to look back on, to show our kids or dog or whatever that we did stuff other than play under the sheets." She huffed, setting her brush down and looking at the painting she didn't want him to see. 'Not until she was finished.'_**

 ** _"You think we'll have kids?" Jace grinned, and he saw a blush creep up to her cheeks, assuring him that she was uncomfortable talking about her feelings. Or desires at least._**

 ** _"Whatever you want, I won't pressure you into having a family." She shrugged. Jace set the canvas down, standing up from where he'd been sitting on the wooden floor of their greenhouse. She kept her gaze at his feet, not lifting it until he had sat down beside her. Before he could look at what she'd drawn, she placed the canvas to where it was leaning against a wall, making the painting hidden from his view._**

 ** _"You know that I love you, right?" Jace asked her. She laughed, probably rolling her eyes, but didn't look up at him for confirmation. He laced his fingers with hers, feeling them slick with paint._**

 ** _"And that some day, some day I'll want to use that love to make a child with you? Only if you want children though." He said, proud of himself for sounding so confident._**

 ** _"Really?" She gasped, finally lifting her gaze from the floor and into his golden eyes. Jace lifted his hand, cupping her chin and sliding his thumb across her cheekbone; forgetting that they had been painting and ended up smearing red on her ivory skin._**

 ** _"_ Jace _." Clary groaned, rolling her eyes. He took his hand away, then smeared the scarlet paint on his own cheek, more than what was on Clary's. She giggled, bringing her hand to pull his back… and then adding blue to the mix._**

 ** _"So_ that's _how it's gonna be?" Jace growled with a devious grin, pouncing on her and trapping her to the wooden floor. She squealed, kicking her feet out but cautious not to hit his sensitive crotch that had suddenly gotten interested in the situation._**

 ** _Jace straddled her calves, placing his hands all around his white shirt that she'd put on, skimming down to her milky thighs and painting them red._**

 ** _"Forget what I said about painting, I think I've found my artistic vision." He smiled, still touching her._**

 ** _"Oh really?" She said, a moan barely slipping through her lips._**

 ** _"Yeah," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her softly._**

He woke up, groaning at the sight of her many paintings in their room. _His room,_ he should consider it.

Jace didn't have the heart to take them down. If Kaelie had seen them, he wondered what she'd do. If she would have marveled at the artwork of his ex-fiancee or find it creepy that he had a drawing of himself in his bedroom.

Jace stood, walking up to the drawing that she'd done of him, amazed at how she could master the curve of his jaw, the shadow of his collar bones. _She_ was amazing, and now he feared that she was gone forever. A ghost of the woman he still loved. He debated whether he would see her again that night and apologize, but if he did, he had to take care of something first.

She was probably at her house right now, sweeping the floors or washing the few dishes she used, things she normally did when she was stressed or worried. The time on his phone said that it was reaching the middle of the night. After he and Clary had a shouting match, he had driven himself home, the entire time wanting to turn around and apologize for his behaviour. Acting that way wasn't going to make the situation any better. Especially if she had no emotional attachment to him. To her, he would come across as an asshole. Which he was, just not intentionally when it came to her.

"I'm a fuckup." He groaned, scrubbing at his face with his calloused palms. Clary was usually the person that would argue with his accusation, but now she was more than likely to agree to the term.

Jace looked to his nightstand, seeing his keys and deciding that now was better than tomorrow.

* * *

Kaelie was looking at him strangely, a question playing at the tip of her tongue; Jace could see it. When she had told him of the old friend she'd seen earlier that day, he nearly went rampant. He was sure she saw it that way when he grabbed his keys and raced to the hospital. Clary not being in his room had him practically seething; probably scaring the nurse that told him she'd left with a _Sebastian Verlac._

That bastard.

"Jace, we need to talk." Kaelie said, and her voice sounded hoarse to him. Of course it did, she'd been crying. And he felt so, so horrible for the fact. He cared about her, loved her in a way that was his own, and yet he'd keep hurting her by constantly going to the hospital and missing important moments of their relationship.

On their three month anniversary, the doctors had called him to say that Clary had mumbled his name in her sleep. On valentine's day, he learned that her eyes were fluttering. Nothing had made him more happier than when he saw the movement, hoping for days upon days on end that she'd open her eyes. Kaelie's birthday was the day they said that they were going to pull the plug, and he didn't think that after five years, she'd finally wake up. So he went to the hospital, along with his brother and sister and that rat Simon. Seeing Jocelyn, it was clear that she blamed him for the accident. That was okay, Jace did too.

Everyone there was gathering to watch her die, but instead she began moving her fingers, grumbling something. And, to his surprise, woke up.

But she didn't _remember_ him.

What was the point of loving her when she couldn't even recall their first kiss? The first time she'd let him unclasp her bra? The first time they made love or perhaps the first time she had begged for him to stop being gentle with her? The moment when her eyes widened as he got down on one knee and asked her to be his one and only, baring his soul to her and fearful that she'd throw it back at him?

Instead, she would just _scream_ at him, telling him how she could never be that woman again, never _want_ to be that woman. Patience was crucial, the doctors told him that when he stormed out of the room with steam coming out of his ears. Besides, what would he do if she _could_ remember? The moment he told her about Kaelie, he was sure that she'd sever all ties with him on the spot.

Yesterday, when he said he had tried to move on, he caught a glimpse of his Clary. And she was angry, _very_ angry. Seeing it as cheating and not grief consolation.

"What is it?" He asked her, nervous about what she had to tell him.

"I didn't want to tell you until I was _sure_ , but Jace…" Something between a sob and a hiccup cut through her sentence. Her eyes began to water and he ran to her side, fearing that she'd tell him she was terminally ill or had experienced a death in her family. "I-I think you're in love with someone else." She whispered.

"Where is this coming from?" Jace asked her. Kaelie's eyes widened in shock.

"So it's true? You _are_ having an affair!" She snapped, her sadness becoming anger in an instant. She stood from her chair, approaching Jace where he sat on her living room sofa. "Who is she? Do I know her?" She demanded.

"Yeah, you know her." Jace sighed.

" _Why_? I thought things were going good for us!" Kaelie cried, taking a seat next to him and burying her head in her hands.

"It happened before I met you." He noted. Her head snapped up, looking at him incredulously and began to cry harder.

"So, even when we weren't dating, and when you asked me out, there was another woman?" She croaked, clutching her chest to stifle the blow to her heart.

"You wouldn't have understood, no one did." Jace argued vaguely.

"Try me." Kaelie said with determination. Jace clasped his hands together, preparing for the time-consuming story that was his love life.

"She wasn't supposed to love me back, I guess that's why I chased after her so long. And then, by some miracle, she decided that I was worth her time. Things were good, you know? Being the golden couple of our group of friends. With a ring on her finger, I thought _that was it_. That my life was laid out in front of me." Kaelie was silent, staring at her shoes as she was most likely debating whether to slap him or to start crying again.

"You were _engaged_?" She gasped.

"Was." Jace corrected. Kaelie looked at him, as if to say _go on_. So he did, telling her about that fateful day when he didn't seem to be enough for his one true love and ended up destroying something precious to her.

"... She was supposed to _come back_ though. She wasn't supposed to be trapped under her car, calling me and saying her goodbyes!" He couldn't believe the salty sting of his eyes as he told her of Clary's accident, of how he thought it was the end when he heard another vehicle slam into the car that _he'd_ bought for her.

"She was in a coma for _so_ _long_. Each day meaning to be her last. Doctors told me that I should prepare for the worst almost every time I saw her. So I did. I went out, sought comfort from women, women who would only use me to feel better about themselves or release tension. But you weren't like them. You didn't ask questions or keep me an anonymous number in your contact list. No, nothing like them.

"One day, they had decided to pull the plug. Everyone she knew was there, crying of course, but not as hard as you'd think. We had left our share of tears _years_ ago." Jace huffed.

"They gave us a few minutes to say our goodbyes, and in those few minutes, she came back."

"Is that why you've been gone so much lately?" Kaelie asked him.

" _Yes_ , but it wasn't as if we rekindled our love. She was gone." His fists clenched tightly, trying to keep his temper at a moderate level instead of ranting on about how she could not even look at him without wearing that confused face. As if she were taking him in for the first time. And like her first time, she wasn't swept off her feet, only seeing him like an astounding creature and not her fiance.

"But you said she woke up?" She reminded.

"She couldn't remember me!" Jace snapped, his anger falling off his face and leaving behind what was a ghost of the happy man he used to be. "Christ, she couldn't even remember my _last name_! We had fought so _hard_ just to be with each other and now it was only me doing the fighting! And fuck, if she could have woken up a few months earlier I wouldn't be telling you any of this!" His head fell into his hands and he began to sob, only for his Clary. Only she could make his broken heart weep.

"I'm sorry, I really am. What we have is great but…"

"You can't love a man who's had his heart trampled. Got it." He scowled, wiping at his tears. She rubbed his back with her hand in an effort to comfort him.

"We're just two people who are running into the wrong arms. It happens." She shrugged. He looked at her, wondering how she could be so calm when he'd basically said he could never love her. "When my Meliorn left me to take care of his sister, I couldn't cope. And I see that now when I look at you."

"What happens with us now?" Jace spoke with a gentle tone, watching her place her hands on her own thighs in preparation to stand.

"We go back to them."

* * *

Upon hearing Clary's sobs, a nurse came sprinting into the room, gasping at the sight of Clary clutching the bed and shaking.

"Help!" The woman screamed, and Clary looked up at her, her mind being pulled on by a tight string and out into reality it went. Some staff came in, grabbing Clary by her arms and began lifting her up.

"Don't touch me!" Clary growled, struggling to get out of their hold. "Let me go!" Her throat burned but she did not falter her fight.

"She's lucid! Go get Dr. Bane!" A nurse ordered, attempting to hold her down along with the two other staff members.

"No! I want to go home!" Clary sobbed, letting her head hang from her neck. She heard the nurse telling the two guards to back up, and in her hand she brandished a syringe. Clary swallowed thickly, and if her struggle wasn't as bad, it surely was now.

"Get that thing away from me!" She snapped, slapping the needle out of the nurse's hands. The nurse scowled at her, reaching to pick it up again before Clary kicked it halfway across the room. The guards resumed their place at her arms, holding her for the nurse to prod at. Tears were falling at a rapid, almost constant rate as she tried to make sense of how she got here in the first place. Her memory was spacey of the hospital, the only clear parts being when she first woke up from her coma, forgiving Jace for the legendary fight they had, and arguing with Jace… and then kissing him. But that was all her consciousness extended to.

"Something's _wrong_ with me! I-I can't _remember_." Clary gasped, panicking as she could not remember the day's events. The time on the clock had went backwards, showing that the moon had been settled for a while now in the California sky.

The nurse returned with the syringe in hand, a clear fluid being tucked away inside it. Clary began to sweat, and her skin prickled at the thought of being stuck with such a large needle. Her thrashing was useless compared to the strength of the security guards. It was like a puppy fighting the submission to animal control.

"Please," Clary began. "Don't do this-"

The nurse stuck the needle in, whatever it contained making Clary's eyelids heavy with exhaustion. She had enough time to register a figure in the room, and tried to reach out towards him only to have the world around her shatter like glass.

She was alone.

* * *

 **AU: So Jace is available! _But,_ Clary is also struggling with her lucid side popping in and out. Confusion is a mild term what she feels most of the time when she goes lucid. Kinda like if you were to wake up after a wild night out, except _five years have passed_ and the last thing you can remember is a horrible car accident. **

**Hopefully, with Jace wanting to work his way to getting Clary back, things will work out.**

 **And... as far as Clary knows, Sebastian was telling the truth. She's experiencing so many things again, including romance. Sebastian is that one guy you fall for as a teenager and realize later that he wasn't as great to begin with. Jace is the guy that is worth it all. Now it depends how long it will take her to realize that!**

 **Thank to all who enjoy reading this story! It literally makes me squeal when I read some of your reviews!**

 **So, on that note, keep up with the reviews and I'll get back to you with another chapter soon!**


	6. Long Run

**Playlist:**

 **Explanation- _Ghosts_ by _James Vincent McMorrow_**

 **Sleeping Beauty- _Where I come_ from by _Passion Pit_**

 **Fiery- _Not Your Fault_ by _AWOLNATION_**

 **Say it again- _Black Beauty_ by _Lana Del Rey_**

 **Visionary- _White Teeth Teens_ by _Lorde_**

 **Childish- _Riptide_ by _Vance Joy_**

 **Macho- _Sour Cherry_ by _The Kills_**

 **Long run- _Stay Away_ by _Charli XCX_**

* * *

Jace heard someone pleading from inside one of the many rooms of the hospital. His steps took on purpose as he walked through the halls of the sanitary building. After he'd gathered his thoughts when his relationship with Kaelie had ended, he raced towards the hospital, not caring at the woman shouting at him that visiting hours were 'over.' _Yeah, right._ If there ever was such a thing to him.

Jace saw some hospital staff moving just as quick, and maybe even quicker, across the tile floor. Them being so urgent scared him, and he was now moving at the pace of a slow jog. But his heart was beating rapidly in his chest, desperate to get to Clary's room.

 _"Please, don't do this-"_ He heard her plead. When he'd finally reached her room, his face flushed an angry red. His stomach fell when he saw her room door open, security hoisting her up as a nurse stuck a needle into her ivory skin. Taking in her condition, he saw that her knees were turning a swollen violet, and his angered mind processed the idea if she'd been abused in any way. Under her nails were the scrapings of dried crimson, and her palms showed just how she'd scraped away at them. _Oh, Clary…_

She looked so… _broken_. Lost, hope cast aside. So unlike the girl he'd fell in love with. Not that happy, joyous girl that had teased him for being so bleak when there was so much to experience in the world. Now, her thoughts were scrambled. A mess of what had been clear and crystal sanity.

He immediately rushed to her side, but her eyelids had already begun to droop. Not before he saw some form of recognition in them. The nurse who had injected her turned around, eyes wide when she saw Jace standing in the middle of the room. _That's right, be afraid. Be very afraid,_ he thought viciously at her.

"What the hell happened here? Why did you sedate her?" Jace growled, lifting Clary from the arms of the security guards. Her head sagged backwards as he cradled her small body in his arms. It made him think of the times as kids when she'd fall asleep at his house and he'd carry her to his room for her to sleep in. Now was such a different time that the comparisons were endless.

"She went lucid and started to panic, like she did last night. Only now, the process didn't reverse and she became a danger to her and those around her." Dr. Bane explained. Jace nodded, scowling at the people who offered to take Clary from his arms.

"Lucid? You mean she was herself again?" Jace asked. The doctor looked conflicted, his fingers moving around as if he were typing the words on a report.

" _Sort o_ f." He squeezed out, grimacing. "She regains her memory, but you have to know that her last moments before the coma were _very_ traumatizing. Not only does she come to at different times, but it's like she's resurfacing from water each time. People deal with this condition in various ways. Putting stress on her now can have some long lasting effects. So, I advise you to think before you speak." Jace swallowed thickly, remembering all there screaming matches is the past couple of days.

"Is there any hope that she'd become that same girl again?" Jace said with defeat. Walking into her room and seeing her struggling to escape the grip the guards had on her wasn't a sight he'd want to _ever_ see again. She was screaming as if they were hurting her, like she didn't know such a thing as human contact. Or at least what a needle was.

"We really can't tell you that, because like I said, every patient is different. She could come back tomorrow, two years from now, or not at all. Even if she were never to recover from her amnesia, she is still a person and she can see the disappointment on your faces. It can't be good to see that. _Should_ she recover, it'll only be from the amnesia. She'll have emotional trauma from the accident, and _five years_ have passed since then. Her friends are beginning to settle down in their lives and I assume you've moved on?" Dr. Bane asked Jace.

"I tried."

"Even that will be hard to handle. She left while you two were in love." A heavy weighted guilt pounded into Jace's head and all he could think of was how he'd let her down by trying to move on. She was his soulmate. You _can't_ get over a soulmate.

"What do I do? How do I act around her?"

"As if she a person to, not your long lost love." The doctor ordered. "And for the love of _God_ , let her decide if she still wants to be with you. She's an entirely different person on the inside. A person with her own set of feelings and thoughts. Treat her as such. You wouldn't kiss a stranger, would you?"

"No." Jace answered with a frown, thinking of the other girls that he'd tried to find happiness with. He promised himself that he was going to devote himself to getting her back, whether she was herself again or not. They were meant to be together, not matter what the universe did to pull them apart.

"Good, then you'll be fine." He smiled. "Now put her down before you end up dropping her." He said, gesturing towards the sleeping girl in Jace's arms.

"Can I stay with her?" Jace asked him. The doctor shrugged, checking his watch and began to walk out of the room.

"Be my guest!" He said, flinging his arms in the air. Jace decided that sleeping next to Clary wasn't the _best_ way for her to wake up, after all, the doctor had said to treat her like a stranger. Waking up with his arms wrapped around her would _probably_ give her a panic attack, so Jace opted to sleep on the leather sofa.

He set her on the bed, not being able to help himself as he kissed her forehead and whispered _goodnight_. What came next was a much needed sleep, although the sofa wasn't as comfortable as their bed back home. _Yes_ , their bed. Because, amnesia or not, everything Jace owned he would gladly share with her.

* * *

She couldn't help but feel _exhausted_ , not knowing why. Even when she'd woken up from a five year coma did she not feel such sleep deprivation. She was also a little hotter than usual. It was as if she were cocooned in a warmth that only fabric could provide. The blankets were wrapped tightly around her, and she was surprised she hadn't kicked them off as she often moved around in her sleep. It _might_ have something to do with how unusually tired she felt.

There was a sharp, immediate ache in her arm. _Throbbing_ she could consider it. And her palms felt _raw_ as feeling the blanket that was covering them. A once muddled ache in her joints was now becoming clear, specifically in her legs. She felt as if she'd been… _tossed around in a car_ , but now was not the time for joking, so she cast aside the thought with an ironic approval.

Her eyelids fluttered open, taking in the room around her. The TV was turned off, reflecting her disarrayed hair and wrinkled clothes. Looking down, it seemed as if she'd been swaddled in her blanket while she slept. The magazines that had been neatly placed on her bedside table had been knocked over, the bright covers giving a glare to her eyes when the sunlight hit them.

She almost mistook his golden curls for a glare, until she realized that it was him that was moving and not her head. Air flooded into her lungs as she prepared to scream at the intrusion, he was very, _very_ lucky that she was tired both emotionally and physically, or else she would have thrown him out by his shirt collar. He would've been awakening anyway with his uncomfortable looking condition. There was no blanket to warm him of the chilly hospital ventilation, and he lacked a pillow to cushion him from the rough edges of the sofa.

There was this feeling of _pity_ in her chest as she watched him frown in his sleep. Where she had a comfortable hospital bed, he had nothing more than stuffing-filled leather to rest on. She amazed herself when she peeled off the warm hospital blanket and languidly set her feet on the floor. Gripping the bed's railing, she placed the heated fabric over him, watching as he adjusted to it with an unconscious smile of gratitude. Realizing that her plethora of pillows were of use, she gently lifted his head and placed one under him. Hopefully, with the more comfortable sleeping arrangement, he'd stay asleep longer and she could gather her thoughts. Or at least figure out what had happened the night before. Why she was so ruffed up.

Clary returned to her bed, no conclusions of the night becoming clear, watching hours tick by on the clock until she was _so_ bored she figured talking to him wouldn't be so bad. Instead of directly waking him, she grabbed the remote to the TV and pressed a few buttons until it was loud enough to disturb him, but not loud enough to make him think she'd done it on purpose.

She watched as his eyes twitched open, surprise filling them when he saw the blanket thrown over him. Clary averted her gaze from him, staring at the advertisement on the thick screen. It didn't take much sense to realize he was staring at her, waiting for her to start yelling, but she would save that for later, once her energy was fully restored.

Reluctantly, her eyes tore from the TV and to his, that were already staring at her.

"Morning Sleeping Beauty." She said on a strange instinct, sucking in a breath of air at how the words had slipped out. Jace cocked his head to the side, wondering if she was being sarcastic or genuine. Honestly, she didn't know herself, not expecting _those_ words to be said and instead ones of anger.

"What did you call me?" Jace said with a groggy, slumber-intoxicated tone.

"Uh, nothing. Forget about it." She shrugged, rolling her fingers across her palms only to wince at the pain of them. She brought them to her face, shock overtaking her at the ripped skin and crimson-stained fingernails. Had she… _had she done that to herself?_

"Clary." Jace said, gathering her attention, whatever little she was willing to give him. When she turned her head towards him and said nothing, he got the hint to continue. "I'm sorry for what I said to you." He apologized, his head bowed in shame. Clary didn't respond, only flexed her toes… testing if she'd regained her energy. Doing so without effort, she sat up, a frown now _very_ visible on her face.

" _Sorry_?" She gasped, insulted that a simple word was his key to the gates of reconciliation. Blood was pumping in her ears, making Clary feel as if steam were pouring out of them. "That it? No explanation as to _why_ you attacked Sebastian? Or why you felt as if I somehow belonged to you?" Clary swung her legs over the bed, and Jace did the same on the sofa. He wiped his hands across his face, sighing heavily.

"What do you want me to say? That I shouldn't have felt possessive over a woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with?" He asked with a shrill tone.

"How can you even say that?! I thought you moved on!" She snapped at him.

"Move on? How? Tearing my heart out and burying it in our backyard?" Jace shouted back. Clary stood up from the bed, storming off to the bathroom, not caring that he was following her with equal frustration. She paid him no mind as she washed her face in the sink and tied her hair in a bun that made her look like the popular teenagers portrayed in the movies that the hospital provided.

"Dammit, I'm really trying here Clary, please let me explain!" Jace groaned. She flicked her gaze over to him, rolling her eyes but offering him her attention. "I-I ended it with Kaelie-"

"The _waitress?_!" Clary pushed past him and into her room, ready to press the button that brought in the nurses, or hopefully security. Whether he knew what she was going to do or simply tired that she wouldn't stand still, Jace jumped in front of her, blocking the button in the process. Extremely frustrated with his presence, she grabbed a tray that was on her bedside table and flung it at him, watching it shatter on the tile. Maybe she should have considered about her lessened strength.

She reached for the cup, it having the same effect as the tray.

"How _dare_ you get mad at me for trying to find a simple _friend_ when _you've_ been sleeping around with not only a _waitress_ , but with a woman who knew me as a teenager!" Clary seethed, preparing to lunge at him.

Jace grabbed her arm, pulling her back against his chest and wrapping his arms around her like a tight blanket. She tried to wiggle her arms out of his hold but he was far too strong to escape from.

"Let go of me you asshat!" She snapped, turning her cheek to try and face him.

"Not until you calm down!" Jace ordered. Clary groaned loudly, waiting for her breathing to calm down to an acceptable rate. When he let her go, she immediately gathered space between them.

"Why are you here?" Clary said in a voice so calm she believed she could put an infant to sleep. "Why can't you just leave me alone?!" She exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air.

"Don't you see? I can't, and I wouldn't want to." Jace answered.

"So, what happens now? Do you just follow me around like some lost puppy until you find some other chick to fall in love with?" Clary growled. Jace rolled his eyes at her, a long exhalation leaving his lungs and into the small room.

"No, I'm going to be with you until the day I cease to exist. In other words, I'm doing this because I love-"

 _ **"Say it again." Clary whispered to him, running her hands up his slick bare chest.**_

 _ **"I love you," Jace said softly, running his hand up her exposed back. Even if they had just finished what her friends might call 'making love,' she felt as if she could spend the rest of her life showing him just how much he meant to her. What he could do to her by saying those three words. What she would give him, which was anything.**_

The bright colors of the vision caused her to wince, wondering why it came to her. Heat rose to her cheeks when she could recall how much adoration was in both of their eyes. She blinked a few times, scattering the image until the pulsating in her ears had stopped.

When she focused on her surrounding again, she swore she was back in another vision, because Jace was holding her tightly to him, cradling her head in his arms. Clary could hear his heart beating against her ear, bringing a strange anxiety into her chest.

"Clary, are you alright?" He asked, pulling her back from his body… that was impressively sturdy.

"What happened?" She whispered, scared that any words would take her back to the bright colors. Amazingly, she couldn't even recall what the vision was about. They were like dreams to her: taking her away and then spitting her back into reality, dazed and confused.

"You slipped, or more accurately _trust-falled_ to the floor." He gave a strangled laugh, still holding her as if she would crumble in his arms.

"Oh," she nodded, realizing that her hands were gripping his biceps. She didn't move them immediately, loving the security he brought to the unconscious part of her mind. Each breath he gave warming her like a human blanket. When her cheeks began to heat again, she cleared her throat. "Uh, you can let go now." She whispered, and he stood up. His position reminded her of when Sebastian had dipped her, only now it was out of concern and not carelessness.

When they had separated, he scratched the back of his head, his cheeks turning a scarlet that went along with his golden tan. "I'm going to take a shower." She announced.

"Okay." Jace nodded, biting his lips.

"Oh and Jace?" She called.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for catching me." She saw him smile.

"Any time." He said with more meaning than was necessary. Clary shook her head with a smile, then tore her gaze away from him, finally walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her.

* * *

" _Fingerpainting_?" Clary repeated to Jace. He nodded, bringing her a glass jar full of yellow paint. "So I just… dip my fingers in and paint with them?" She asked him. A white shirt that declared her a runner and athletic shorts was her attire. Jace had told her that she might not want to wear white for what they were going to do, but as stubborn as she was, she didn't care. Now she understood why white wasn't a color painters wore.

"Yeah, something simple to start off with."

"Simple? I did stuff like this?" Clary couldn't imagine doing something so dirty, time consuming, when previously she'd been in her freshman year of college.

"All the time, you were an artist." Jace sighed, scratching the back of his head. Clary brought her slim fingers to the jar, sucking in a breath of air at how cold it was to her sensitive skin. She brought her fingers to the canvas, running them across until there was an amber squiggle disrupting the bleached appearance.

"What do I paint? I can't think of anything, seeing as I was basically born three days ago." She asked him.

"Here," he said, coming up behind her and taking hold of her forearm. "Close your eyes," Jace instructed. "I want you to imagine something, anything. Whatever you saw on TV or a photo in a magazine. Anything." She closed her eyelids tighter, thinking long and hard before something finally came to her. Opening them, Jace let go of her and allowed her to paint her to her imaginations desire.

Jace watched as she positioned the canvas to face him, preventing him from seeing what she was creating. His eyes softened on her, and she wiggled her brows at him, amused at how he sucked in a breath of air. When she caught him staring at her again, she scowled at him.

"Jace, quit staring at me or I'll mess up the painting." She threatened. Jace turned away from her, occupying himself with the paintings that other patients had drawn in the room.

When she was sure that he wasn't looking, her hands began to move on the canvas, drawing the rough edges of a large rectangle at the bottom. After she'd drawn that, she drew another, although smaller one above it. She repeated this, then reached for a paint brush, dipping it in black paint and filling the space around it the yellow-filled rectangles.

Taking a step back, she looked at the drawing with curiosity, not know why she painted a road when she'd been out exploring the day before.

"Are you done?" Jace asked her, anxious to walk over and see what she'd created.

"Yeah, I guess. I just don't really think it shows any significance. Or creativity. It's boring." She groaned, putting her hands to her face, feeling them so cold on her skin.

"A road…?" He asked, only widening his eyes when his mind wandered further than her own. Jace turned to face her and snorted loudly, covering his mouth with his hands.

"What?" Clary questioned, squinting at him.

"You have paint on your cheeks." Jace answered, pointing at his own cheek to mirror the location. Her fingers travelled back to her face, then looking down at her hands, she realized that they were cold because of the yellow paint.

"Oh so you think this is funny?" She teased. Jace let out a betraying laugh, adding to her accusation. Since he'd thoroughly embarrassed her, she wanted to even the humiliation.

"Kinda." He admitted. What he hadn't been expecting was for her to jump a step in his directions, smearing his cheeks yellow just like hers. He gasped at the movement, closing his arms around her as if she were falling and not lunging. Her back dipped into him, his forearms pressing into her, and she began laughing at his paint-smeared face. Though, it wasn't _that_ noticeable with his already-golden skin.

Still holding her, he freed one of his hands and touched them to his cheek, groaning at her when they came back stained.

"Really?" He sighed.

"Sorry." She apologized.

* * *

"I cannot _believe_ you smeared paint of my face." Jace shook his head, though laughing as he said the words. They were walking back to her room, both with a wet towel pressed to their faces. He opened the door for her, her nodding a _thank you_ as he did so.

Clary dropped the towel when her eyes landed on the dark-haired man that was standing in the center of the room.

"Sebastian!" She smiled. Sebastian walked over to her, hugging her before his gaze flitted over to the now _angry_ -looking Jace. Both their chests puffed out, as if they were sizing each other up like animals.

" _Jace_." Clary warned.

"Didn't I tell you to stay away?" Jace asked Sebastian in a surprisingly calm tone. Sebastian only grinned at him, shaking his head in a playful manner.

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention, it was more or less focused on her. But _you_ can't say the same, now can you?" Sebastian asked him in the same nerve-wrackingly calm tone. Clary inched her way backwards, hand on the red button just in case she needed to order in security.

"What are you getting at?" Jace huffed.

"The truth."

So much for hoping for the best, they couldn't be in the same room for more than a minute without trying to kill each other! It was as if they had no sense of decency, or morality, swinging at one another without the realization that they were in a hospital.

"Jace, Sebastian! _Stop_ _it_!" She shouted, but they didn't falter. They were both so equally matched that they spent the same amount of time struggling to get off of the floor after a hard punch; no kicks at least.

Nurses flooded in, calling for security once their eyes landed on the tumbling boys. _Boys_ as in they weren't acting mature enough to earn the title _men_.

They were pulled apart, Sebastian snapped a curse word at Jace. And once again, she was apologizing to Sebastian for Jace's behavior.

"For just _once_ , can you _stop_ trying to prove that your macho?!" Clary hissed at Jace as she sat him down on the bathroom floor, wetting a towel to wipe at his blood. He wore a sturdy frown, not answering her and only hissing when she pressed the dampened cloth to his swollen cheek bone.

"You have to stop doing this, Jace. I can't be around you if all you do is beat the shit out of people!" She continued. He looked at her, his eyes full of an apology that was stuck in his throat.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. She huffed out a sigh, pressing the towel on the locations of what was to be many bruises. There were a few cuts on his chin, and he had a busted lip, but for _now_ he looked like he'd been through a blender.

"You say that too often, and one day I'm not going to be able to forgive you." She whispered. Jace's eyes widened at her threat. In an instant, he had lifted her from her seat next to him and onto his lap, burying his head in her neck.

"I'm sorry I'm such an asshat. Please don't send me away." Jace pleaded.

"I don't _want_ to." She admitted, deciding whether she should shrug him off or hold him tighter. His hands were around her stomach, wrinkling the shirt as he pulled and tugged at her. Clary wondered if he could feel her skin prickle as it was doing under the white shirt.

"Great, because I'm in this for the long run." Jace

" _Long run_?" She repeated. He laughed at her confusion, tucking a curl that had loosened from her bun behind her ear.

"Just something that means I'm not going to leave you."

" _Oh_ …" She responded. "Good."

* * *

 **AU: So Clace is definitely happening! Though, I don't know what i'll do with Sebastian...** **As usual, she's getting flashbacks, but hopefully she'll start to remember some of them! And Magnus is her new doctor!**

 **With Jace devoting his time to her now, how he acts will determine if she sees him as more than an asshole with a soft side. The next chapter will probably be little more sweet. They _were_ in love, so it's only typical that they have their moments. Or even repeat some as they did when Clary was fingerpainting. **

**Keep up with the reviews guys!**


	7. His

**Playlist:**

 **Impressions-** ** _Tightrope_** **by** ** _Walk the Moon_**

 **Wounds-** ** _Arms_** **by** ** _Christina Perri_**

 **Don't go-** ** _Demons_** **by** ** _Imagine Dragons_**

 **Home-** ** _Talking Dreams (Acoustic)_** **by** ** _Echosmith_**

 **Music-** ** _Believer_** **by** ** _American Authors_**

 **His-** ** _Terminal (Acoustic)_** **by** ** _Echosmith_**

* * *

 _ **"Clary, sweetie, smile for the camera!" Jocelyn encouraged her daughter. Jonathan was running around, not caring that his feet were bare and wet, and Clary swore she would win their little game of tag.**_

 _ **"Mom! Tell Jon that cheating is wrong!" Clary snapped, watching as her brother cut across the lawn and to the backyard.**_

 _ **"Jonathan, play fair with your sister." Clary rolled her eyes at how easy it was to dismiss the soft request. Her brother ran out of her view, probably fooling her into running to the back yard for him just to circle around to the front.**_

 _ **"Jon?" Clary called out to her brother, no response but the oh-so familiar sound of an ice cream truck near by. "Mom! Can I get an ice cream?" She pleaded from across the house, hoping that when she found her mother that she'd be a bit more willing to give her the cold treat.**_

 _ **"Clary you just had pudding, what kind of mother would I be if I let you get high blood pressure?" Her mother asked. Clary shrugged her shoulders, not really understanding the disease her mother named.**_

 _ **"A good one?" She guessed. Her mother laughed making her believe that all was good again.**_

 _ **"Fine, but I think your brother has already ran to Luke saying the same thing. Go get him and tell him I said to share the money." Jocelyn spoke, and Clary was off, running to wherever it was her brother was located.**_

 _ **"Jon?!" Clary screeched once she'd opened the door to her house.**_

 _ **"Yeah?" He asked her.**_

 _ **"Mom said that I can get ice cream to, so hand over the money!" Clary giggled. She knew her brother would never be so cruel as to deny her the absolutely amazing taste of ice cream; and watched as he fished out an equal share of money from his wet swim trunks. Clary was grateful that her one-piece was just as wet, cooling her body in the hot California weather.**_

 _ **"Here's five, and don't buy something you're going to regret." Jonathan warned her before they both began their sprint to the ice cream truck. Jonathan, of course, ran fast ahead of her until he was an ivory blur to her. Clary was panting by the time she reached the truck, only to find her brother walking back to the house with his red white and blue popsicle.**_

 _ **A boy with golden hair was in line, tapping his foot against the paved road as he was handed his ice cream. She didn't exactly pay him any mind until he dropped his ice cream on the hot road. When her eyes met his, he was already staring at her.**_

 _ **"You dropped your ice cream!" Clary said with shock. If she ever dropped her ice cream, she would be in tears. He was still staring at her for another moment before he regained the ability to blink.**_

 _ **"Hi," he choked out.**_

 _ **"Uh, hi." She responded, confused as to why he wasn't screaming about his ruined ice cream.**_

 _ **"I'm Jace." He continued.**_

 _ **"Clary, now aren't you going to move so I can get my ice cream?" She asked him, and he quickly obliged, providing her enough space to do a cartwheel. Not that she was.**_

 _ **Clary ordered her ice cream, smiling with great pleasure as it chilled her burning hands. She peeled the wrapper from the popsicle, stepping on it and swearing she heard her hot feet sizzle on the cooled plastic wrap. The ice cream man drove off, giving a confused smile at the two children.**_

 _ **"Why aren't you sad? You dropped your ice cream." Clary blurted.**_

 _ **"My mom said it's important to make a memorable first impression. What are you going to remember me as?" He asked randomly. She blinked a few times, not sure what his impression could go down as. Or why he felt he should make one.**_

 _ **"Uh, the boy who dropped his ice cream?" She said in a 'duh' tone.**_

 _ **"Not something to remember…" Clary thought she heard him say.**_

 _ **He suddenly looked down at his ice cream, picking it up from the ground and looking at it like she wished he wasn't. Clary could already feel her heart rate pick up as she recalled what her brother said about the five second rule.**_

 _ **"It's already been more than five seconds! You'll kill yourself!" She said with great certainty. He shook his head, groaning before bringing the ice cream to his face "Please, don't' eat that." Clary grimaced.**_

 _ **She watched as he consumed the top of the cold treat, him occasionally looking up at her to make sure his deed was not in vain.**_

 _ **"Jace Herondale." He was too amazed to respond, surprised he hadn't died of the many diseases on the road. She was sure that someone must've died where his ice cream landed. From how she saw it, Jace was a dead man walking.**_

 _ **"Clarissa Adele Fairchild, though if I ever see you again, call me Clary. Clarissa is too fancy." She scrunched her nose up at her first name, wondering why her mother would ever call her such a thing.**_

 _ **"Well, Clary, you're in luck, because it just so happens that I live in this neighbourhood. Unless you don't. Then it is I who is unlucky."**_

 _ **"Why are you talking like that? Like some sort of king?" She asked him with squinted eyes. With wide eyes, she leaned in close to him. Jace grinned at her, loving the look on her face and played along. "Are you some kind of spy or something?" She whispered.**_

 _ **"Yep, you see, my parents aren't my real parents. They took me in after my parents died. They could have been spies." He suggested. Clary pitied him for mentioning the death of his parents. In that, she could share his hidden sorrow.**_

 _ **"I'm sorry about your parents. My dad died before I was born." She offered.**_

 _ **"Half-way to being Batman." Jace shrugged.**_

 _ **"Clary!" She heard a familiar voice blurt. Turning around, she saw her mother standing with concern that was vanishing and evolving into anger. Her younger brother was at her hip, chewing on some toy Jocelyn had bought him. "Clarissa Adele Fairchild, you had me worried!" Her mother chided.**_

 _ **"Oh!" She said, startled once her eyes had landed on Jace. "You're Maryse's son? Right?" She asked him. "Jace!" Jocelyn blurted, remembering his name but still managing to scare the small child at her hips.**_

 _ **"Yeah." Jace nodded.**_

 _ **"Clary, this boy lives right next to us!" Jocelyn chuckled.**_

 _ **"Really?" Clary asked her.**_

 _ **"So I ate ice cream off of the road for no reason?" Jace panicked.**_

 _ **"Hey, it was a**_ **great** _ **first impression." Clary giggled.**_

* * *

Her eyes snapped open, seeing nothing but bright lights and a room of white. The dream was already crumbling away like sand, making her shiver as it vanished from her memory.

"Jace?" Clary said, sitting up straight in her bed… that was unusually hard under her. When her eyes fully took in their surroundings, she realized that they had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. They as in- she blushed, realizing that she had been leaning on Jace as she slept. He had an arm draped over her shoulder and his head was pressed against the bathroom wall. There was a large towel thrown over both their thighs. He must've done that, probably too exhausted to carry her to bed.

The dark shadows that were once under his eyes had begun to fade. Such a shame that they were going to be replaced with a nasty bruise. His bottom lip was swollen with a cut, and his chin took a sharp curve as the injury that had been placed there began to intensify. At least she could see most of the damage. There were a punches to the stomach, but they weren't as strong.

Sebastian was probably in just as bad a shape as Jace was.

And she found herself smiling.

 ** _Get over yourself,_ ** the voice snickered. Clary shook away the giddy thought of two _very_ handsome men both wanting to be with her when she saw herself as nothing more than average. Average wasn't pretty, average wasn't even attention grabbing. Jace and Sebastian looked like the kind of guys who went above and beyond in everything, it scared her that _she_ was enough in both of their eyes.

Especially to Jace - who was still asleep.

Seeing as he wasn't _awake_ , she allowed herself to continue leaning on his shoulder, tucking herself deeper into his arm. It felt so natural to her- to be with him and use him to calm herself down. He was like a sedative that didn't have to be brutally injected into her arm.

Yeah, he told her about that.

She rested her eyes, but it wasn't darkness that lulled her to sleep, it was _security_. Just the thought of him willing to go to such lengths for her was enough to rest her uneasy mind. He was so warm, so strong, so protective- she didn't need much more proof other than looking at his battered face. It didn't morph his beauty though. In fact, it made her heart swell at how pain meant nothing to him when she was the end result.

" _No, don't go_." Clary heard Jace whimper. Her eyes popped open, watching as his fingers twitched on his free hand. Though his eyes were still closed.

" _Don't leave me_." He continued, and this time he was full on hugging her to his chest, as if she'd literally _leave_ him. She was now situated in his lap, him cradling her like some sort of child. And as much as she didn't like to admit it, she wasn't that far off when it came to height comparisons.

"Jace, Jace wake up." Clary said with a sharp tone. His eyes fluttered open, widening at their position. "Were you having a nightmare?" She blurted.

"Uh, more like a memory." He answered. She dipped her head, looking at his wrinkled shirt, wondering if he was going to go home and change out of his old clothes.

"Do you think about it often?" She asked him.

"Think about _what_ often?" Jace questioned.

"The accident. Do you think of how much it changed?" Clary explained. His eyes drifted off to the side of the bathroom. Whether the he figured she was sorry or not, Clary thought back to what she had said to him. How cruel she was to blame him when he must've been blaming himself. "I'm sorry for what I said. It wasn't your fault." She apologized randomly.

"But it _is_. If I made you stay, you would actually remember me. You'd be my wife and we could've started a family, bought a dog for our hyper kids, visited your mom on the weekends. Don't you see? I _ruined_ that!" He vented. Clary paused for a moment, allowing him to exhale his unreasonable regrets.

"Stop. It wasn't your fault. It was more mine than yours."

 _ **"Too soon? How is this moving to soon?!" Jace gasped at her.**_

 _ **"I'm not breaking up with you, but don't you think that we're a little young to be getting married?" Clary reasoned. Jace furiously shook his head, his fists beginning to clench. A sign that they were getting into another huge argument.**_

 _ **"No, Clary, I don't. Why are you stalling the inevitable? I love you and you love me, so what's the problem?" He sighed**_.

 _ **"Of course we love each other now, but in a few years time, that could change. We could change." She whispered, knowing that he was doing none other than rolling his eyes at her.**_

 _ **"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are you saying that you have doubts?" Jace growled. "Does this have something to do about Sebastian?" His voice rose in suspicion. Clary's nostril flared.**_

 _ **"Fuck you." She snapped, watching his face change from shock to rage.**_

 _ **"Wouldn't want to regret it, would you?" He said sarcastically, and the next thing she knew, she was gripping a plate and flinging it in his direction**_.

She pulled away from the vision, not being able to absorb anything other than a _massive_ guilt. Jace was still holding her, albeit a little tighter. He was saying things into her ear, though she couldn't quite hear im over the blood rushing into them.

"Wha- what _happened_?" She blinked.

"You froze or fainted or whatever, it just scares the shit out of me when you do that. It shows me how _empty_ your mind is ever since the accident." Jace answered. "All because of me," he added softly.

"Stop saying that, it's not healthy." Clary groaned.

"You're not healthy because of me. Not mentally." He grimaced.

"Jace! _Enough_!" She ordered "If you really care about my sanity, you won't say that again. Hearing you talk like that is putting a dent on my mood. So unless you have something good to say about yourself, don't say anything." Clary finished. Her palms were flat against his chest, her staring into his golden eyes for some form of a promise.

"Okay," he agreed.

* * *

She was staring at a sand-colored house. A picket fence bordered the small but well kept yard. Flowers of many colors grew in the garden that was next to the porch. Cheesy signs were stuck into the fertilized soil, making her wonder if Jace was the one to decorate it. The door, although as plain as it was crafted, was painted red, a color that surprisingly went well with the color of the house.

A stone pathway led up to the front steps, making her hold her breath as she approached the gate. They were like the countdown to her past, of what she did with it. Jace was standing a few feet ahead of her, just having opened the gate and now anxiously waiting for her to take the first steps with him.

"What do you think so far?" He asked her, no smile to hide the worried smile on his face. She eyed the fence with caution, sliding her feet across the ground till she reached it. Her breathing was slow. Whether she was calm or stalling a panic attack was beyond her knowledge. Clary saw his fingers twitch at his side, and almost like it was instinct, she slipped his hand into his. It was as if there was a force pulling them together no matter how hard she unconsciously fought it.

"It's… nice. Small, I like it. Different from the hospital." Though, she was reminding herself that she had to return to the hospital at the end of the day. Doctors were wary to release her after seeing a few of her episodes that she had no recollection of. Jace wouldn't tell her what happened during them, perhaps to spare her feelings or to be secretive.

She had come to learn that she hated those.

"We can wait if you want?" Jace asked her, and she looked down to see that he was rubbing her hand with the pad of his thumb.

"No, no waiting. I've waited five years to see this place." Clary insisted. Even if she had no recollection of those five years, she couldn't help but wonder how the other Clary would have lived. How she placed her furniture -or made Jace place it- hung her pictures. Seeing them might help her remember. _Might_.

"Then follow me," Jace grinned, giving a tug on her hand as he led them over the stone pathway. She listened to the steady sound of his shoes on the rocks as some form of second-keeping. Out of the corner of her eye she could spot some of their neighbours watching her. Watching to see if she'd lose her mind. Which she _wasn't_.

When she was staring at the wooden boundary that was their red door, she froze. Closing her eyes, she sucked in a few quick breaths to scatter the onset of vertigo.

"You okay?" Jace asked her. Clary pursed her lips, her neck so tight that she couldn't nod back to him.

"I - I just need a minute." She whispered. Whether he understood or not, he waited patiently for her heart rate to go down. When she reopened her eyes, he wasn't looking at her but instead the door. The privacy was nice of him. "Okay, I'm ready. You can open the door." Clary spoke in a more gathered tone.

Jace reached his free hand forward, pushing the key into the lock and twisting it open. He nudged open the door with the tip of his shoe, it creaking open just the way she expected it too. If that was such a thing.

From what she could see, their house wasn't over done. Immediately did her eyes land on the living room, on the blue sofa that didn't look at all odd with the paintings that stuck to the walls. What looked like a kitchen was a few feet away from the living room. The room wasn't shared though, her only being able to see the kitchen through the threshold of its entrance. Directly across from her was a hallway that had doors on its side. Clary guessed that the bedroom and bathroom was located there.

"Can we go in?" She asked, and Jace walked a few paces ahead of her, still holding onto her hand. It was like her feet were frozen, her too scared to make the first few steps of her past life. This was the place where their epic fight took place. Where she decided that a fast drive was a wise decision.

"I can't move my feet." She panicked.

"I can help with that." Jace grinned. Clary gasped when he scooped her up in his arms as if it were the day they got back from their honeymoon and he were to carry her past the threshold.

"You didn't have to do this." Clary groaned as he carried her into the living room. She spotted a flat screen, so different from the cubed TV in her hospital room.

"Yes, I did." Jace said matter-of-factly. His grin practically bore into her cheek as she looked around the room. The kitchen, from what she could see, was painted a soft orange, nothing _too_ dramatic. Jace set her down, allowing her to wander about the front half of the house. She had to admit that the paintings that hung on the walls were beautiful.

Once she had started stepping into the hallway, he was at her side, holding her hand as he'd done a few minutes ago.

Opening the first door, she saw that it was a bathroom decorated to look like the ocean with its sea turtle shower curtain and dolphin soap holder.

"Why did you decorate the bathroom this way?" Clary snickered.

" _I_ didn't. You did and there was _no_ way I was saying no to the woman that could take away my favorite activity." Jace answered.

"Which was?"

"Sex," and they left the bathroom on a quieter note.

The next door she opened was an empty room, nothing more to stare at than bare walls and a ceiling fan.

"Why do we have an empty room? Couldn't we have filled it with something?" Clary asked from in front of him. She heard him exhale slowly, not out of anger though.

"We were going to fill it with something, but not until we were financially secure." Jace explained. It took her a moment to realize what he was saying.

"Kids? We were going to have kids?" She guffawed, already beginning to feel her biological clock tick away.

" _Eventually_." He said, turning back into the hallways where she met him.

"And this is…" She started before opening the brown door with a funny painting of a heart hung on it. The signature said that he had drawn it.

"Our bedroom." He finished. "Oh and you _made_ me paint that by the way." Jace added. She giggled before grasping the bronze knob, feeling how cold and yet familiarly warm it was.

" ** _Here! Let's hang it here!" She laughed, steadying the picture she'd painted of him next to the bed._**

 _ **"Why there?" Jace asked her.**_

 _ **"Because I want to stare at another you while we have sex." Clary teased. She couldn't believe at the jealousy that crossed his face even though it was a portrait of himself.**_

 _ **"No way, it's me thats making you scream and it's me that you'll be looking at." Jace growled, pushing her towards the bed and not able to hide his eager smile.**_

"Oh!" She squeaked, locking her arms around something as she came to. When her eyes regained their vision, it was his neck that she had her arms around. And not aggressively but as if she were… about to kiss him. Whatever her vision was about, it was something that made her skin heat and heart beat quicker.

Jace wasn't saying anything, just breathing quietly and wrapping his arms around the small of her back. His thumb was stroking the skin that her pulled-up shirt revealed. He wasn't being seductive at all. The way he was touching her and holding her were out of love. Like she was the prettiest gem to ever surface the ground.

"I-I think we should go in now," Clary whispered. He nodded his head against hers, pulling back and frowning at the space.

The room was a plain white, but the colorful paintings compensated for the fact. The queen sized bed had a quilted cover and a white headboard. It looked so comfortable to her that her eyes began to droop. When her eyes scanned around the bed, she saw a stereo next it. Immediately did she walk to it, wondering what he had to play on it.

"You have to use an iPod." Jace answered to her confusion at the protruding piece of metal that was located where the CD should go. "Yours is in the drawer under it." He added. Her hand wrapped around the drawer's knob, opening it to see a flat iPod. When she pressed on the power button, a symbol flashed at her. It looked as intricate as the star on her shoulder. Maneuvering through the device, she located the playlist of music she herself had stored.

" _Suck it and see_?" Clary grimaced at one of the albums.

"Arctic Monkeys." Jace chuckled. She played the first song, _Piledriver Waltz_ , noticing how the beginning sounded like some sort of alarm clock. She skipped to the next album.

" _Shake it out._ " She repeated the song title. Whoever Florence was, she was a talented singer. Along with her machine as well.

" _Who's this young giant_?" She asked Jace.

"It _Young The Giant_ and you used to listen to that by the way." Jace corrected.

" _Chasing Cars?_ That isn't _funny_ Jace." Clary frowned, looking at the Snow Patrol song title.

"Try Pandora, it'll find you some new songs or songs that I put in for you." Jace suggested. She did as he said, finding the app he must've downloaded for her and pressing on a playlist. Instantly did an upbeat song begin to play, nearly startling her. Her toes began to tap along to the drum beat.

"Dance with me." She blurted. Dancing, something she never thought she would like but after Sebastian had showed her how to move her hips, she was more than ready to start again. Jace looked hesitant at taking her hand, nervous to go along with the fast rhythm.

She laughed at how rigid he was, so she put her hands at his hips and moved them herself.

"Don't do that," Jace gasped with a shocked smile.

"Well, you're not moving. I'm used to fast movement. Or whatever it was that Sebastian showed me…" She shrugged, squealing when he picked her up from the floor and spun her around elegantly. He grinned at her shocked expression, slowing down to not make her dizzy.

The next song was slower, letting their pace drop to something that would lull her to sleep. She hated that he was so much taller than her, not allowing her face anywhere near his.

"Why are you frowning?" Jace asked her.

"I'm too small," she huffed.

"I can fix that."

"How-" She gasped when he gripped her thighs and lifted her, sliding her hands down her legs and wrapped them around his waist. Her face was so close to his, height no longer a problem. She could see the gold in his eyes darken, then turned her gaze to his full pink lip.

"Is this weird?" Jace blurted.

"It- it _should_ be. But it isn't." Clary admitted. He nodded, resting his head in the crook of her neck as he held her to him. His hands were now at her waist, lightly tracing lines on the exposed skin.

"Did we do this a lot?" Clary asked him.

"Yeah, but it usually led to something else." Jace grinned. Clary shook her head at him, just burying it in the warm skin of his neck. It shocked her at how perfectly her body fit his. How they seemed to be… _made for each other._

Jace misjudged the placement of the bed and it ended up knocking the back of his knees. Off balance, they landed on the quilted bedspread with a sharp intake of air. Her cheeks burned so heatedly that she was sure she must've looked like a stop sign to him. Yet, in his eyes was nothing more than pure adoration.

Something felt _off_ to her. Her chest tightened and her skin prickled where it made contact with his. Suddenly, it wasn't as if she were alone in the world, more or less being tied down to it by him. Like he was why she had fought so _hard_ during her coma. Why even after five years and amnesia, along with him trying to move on, they still seemed to find each other.

Clary brushed his golden waves back with her fingertips, feeling that his skin had heated to just as hot as hers. He sat up on his elbows, leaning into her. Her fingers wrapped around the neckline of his shirt, feeling a primal instinct to tear at it. Jace's hand pressed into her back, giving the final push of her towards him.

Their lips found their way to each other, brushing against the other until stalling was no longer romantic and instead a painful bore. Then he stopped, looking into her eyes for assurance. And if she could say anything, she would say that she had never more definite in the small days of her existence.

His lips slid against hers. Clary's patience thinned to desperation, gripping him to her and crushing herself to his chest. Jace's palms flattened against her back, as if the space between them was killing him, because it was _definitely_ killing her. He felt so soft against her, so _right_. As if no one else deserved to be this close to her. Her palms slid up to his face, skimming past his chin and weaving into his curls.

The moment couldn't have been more perfect, more destined for two people. Because that's what it was that brought them together, that made them tackle all the obstacles and all the threats they'd faced. Destiny.

The room seemed to disappear between their heated contact. Between their whimpers and begging. No longer was she the girl who'd woken up from the coma. No longer was she the girl who had to keep reminding herself of who was who and what was what. In this moment, in this miniscule fraction of her life, she was _his_. Amnesia or not, she would _always_ be his.

* * *

 **AU: You should totally thank _Echosmith_ on how sweet that ended. Their sweet music had me in the mood for a happy chapter ending. **

**Tell me what you think in the reviews!**


	8. Home Sweet Home

**Playlist:**

 **List- _I'm Yours_ by _Jason Mraz_**

 **Ready- _Home_ by _Phillip Phillips_**

 **Surprises- _Called Out In The Dark_ by _Snow Patrol_**

 **Gift- _Cosmic Love_ by _Florence & The Machine_**

 **Charles- _Selene_ by _Imagine Dragons_**

 **Cake- _Creep_ by _Radiohead_**

* * *

"You got your toothbrush?" He asked her, sliding his hand across the glass screen of his phone. Clary pushed the wind-blown curls out of her face, wishing that he'd just hurry up with his irrational list. She was there, wasn't she? What did it matter that she left a rubberband or a bar of soap. The only thing she couldn't leave behind was herself.

"Yes." She answered, waiting to hear the next item on what was to be checked off of his list. For what had felt like hours, they were just doing this. Clary was sure that if she hadn't died from the coma, it was lack of entertainment that would kill her.

"How about your brush." He reminded, tearing his eyes away from the small screen

"Yep." She said, popping the 'p.' Him laughing at her did nothing but make her promise to make her suffer when they left.

"Shampoo? Conditioner." He chuckled. She may have lost her memory, but in making new memories she found it was difficult to forget things when you had nothing but blank space to fill. The doctors found it fascinating and told her to do weekly check up, or at least to tell them of any progress she'd made. Especially Dr. Bane, he wanted to see her and her friends again soon.

"Ya know, I kind of think you want me to stay." Clary whined, watching as people of a climbing number got to leave the hospital with smiling faces and happy families.

"Answer the question."

"Yeah, I have the shampoo and conditioner. Now tell me, what's next on the _Herondale's list of supplies_?" Clary groaned, knowing well enough that she had everything packed and ready for their departured. They weren't even in the hospital room anymore. Currently, they were standing in front of the actual hospital, looking like idiots as they scanned her bags for everything. The excitement she got from being checked at was now dwindling to boredom. A very painful boredom.

"All your clothes? Got 'em?" Jace asked her, smiling when he saw her eye roll.

"Jace, I came here as naked as the day I was born. The only clothes I have are the ones Jocelyn- _my mother_ \- brings." Clary answered with a heavy sigh.

"It's annoying now, but I don't want to be driving home and have you realize that you left something you just _can't live without_." So he resumed to check off little things on his phone. It amazed her still that technology had progressed so much, even if she had nothing to compare it to. It was practically magic to her newly-formed conscience.

"Can we _please_ go now?" She whined. Jace walked up to her, tugging at the neckline of her shirt until her face had been pulled close to where he could breath on her face. Not that he was going to do that. This was Jace Herondale, a man who was insatiable for her. But she was Clarissa Adele Fairchild, a girl who was crazy for him.

Yesterday was what Isabelle would define as a _Clam Jam_ , seeing as they went as far as kissing till he reminded her that they had to return to the hospital.

"I think we're forgetting something." He breathed. Her eyes popped open and she let out a string of groans as she paced her way back to the hospital doors, ready to ask the staff if she could grab something she'd left in her room.

And then he was laughing.

"We didn't actually forget anything, did we?" Clary winced. Jace walked up to her again, skimming his hands along the small of her back to push her against him once more. She could see amusement sparkle in his eyes. And adoration, but if she paid too much attention to the fact, she'd be blush a bright red. His nose brushed against hers, making her feel that the moment was too cheesy for him. He didn't look like the kind of man to play such games. To be so adoring towards a woman when she knew he'd rather take his energy to the… bedroom.

 _Their_ bedroom.

"You, are an amazing woman. And I hope you know that every day you spend with me I'll be treating you as such." Jace vowed, no amusement in his tone as he told her this.

"Keep saying stuff like that and I won't want to leave," she joked. At his immediate response of furrowing brows, she did the only thing that could assure him that she would not leave him.

So she planted her lips on his, winding her hands to the back of his neck and pressing him to her. Though, he wouldn't have left her anyways. It was spectacular, as if kissing him or simply being with him could take her away from her environment. No longer were they in the hospital parking lot, but in a darkness that was only lit him. She had spent too much time in the darkness and he was her light. Her bright beacon of hope.

A car honked at them, pulling her out of her happiness and sinking her into murky memories. She fought them hard though, treading above them and clinging to Jace until she wasn't in fear of drowning in her own nightmares. It was like she could feel this other persona surfacing and fighting to take her place. But she wouldn't let it, wouldn't let it separate them.

He held her tightly, pulling back to cup her chin.

"You're alright, Clary. I won't let anything happen. We're safe." Jace assured, and she had no will to doubt him. She wanted to be safe. She didn't want anything to happen to them and was sure that he would prevent.

"Let's go home?" She pleaded. If she had the low self esteem, she would get down on her knees and grovel. Practically beg him to take her away from the cold and boring hospital.

"Never in the last five years did I imagine you saying that." Jace admitted, holding her to him as he carried her bags to his car.

* * *

"That's weird," Jace commented as he put his key in the lock. A long drive back home and all she wanted to do was sleep. She'd even sleep in his arms if he'd let her. Which he most certainly would if she threatened him with never kissing again.

Something he was already so well adapted to.

"What it?" Clary wondered, anxious to go in the house and never come back. Never have to see the disappointed face of those she couldn't remember.

"The door is already unlocked." She didn't know what this meant, or what had been done to the door, but his protective stance made her believe that something was definitely wrong.

With one push of the door, it was like all her nightmares had come to life, screaming at her with their joyous faces. Probably mocking her impaired memory. The smell of roasting food filled her nostrils, making her mouth water but still fearing the creatures inside. But, as the light hit the monsters and the voices began speaking words, she realized with great horror what was going on.

They were throwing her a party.

"Welcome home!" They all cheered, nearly stunning her with their deafening tone. Jace had been more startled by the screaming and pulled her to his side with a grip so tight she believed that he would no longer let anything happen to her. If she was to bet, it would be that he had just growled in her ear at the sight of his sister wearing a party hat. It reminded her of the small party she'd witnessed while out with Sebastian.

Who was currently shouting along with the rest of the crowd in the seconds it took for Clary to gather her thoughts and allow time to continue ticking.

"You _could_ have informed me about a party at my own house, Izzy." Jace chided. She rolled her eyes and settled with standing by Clary's side, telling her of the elaborate plan that had to be made in order to make the party happen. She almost wished that her friends weren't as smart. Actually, she did wish it. She didn't even know them that well to feel guilty anyways.

"Just because you don't want to suffer from blue balls doesn't mean she can't have a party thrown for her." Isabelle snapped once she'd seen Jace glaring at her. Whatever the term meant, Clary saw Jace choke on his beer, having to need Alec to pound his back until the liquid had cleared from his lungs.

"Is that Dr. Bane?" Clary gasped at the familiar looking man who had his arms wrapped around Alec's shoulder. She was surprised to see a man who'd once prescribed prescriptions to her, drinking out of a red solo cup.

"Yeah, him and Alec kinda got close while you were in a coma." Jace laughed.

"You mean to tell me that while I was recovering from a horrific car accident, I was also Alec's wingwoman?" Clary guffawed.

"If you put it that way, then yeah. You were." Clary scowled at Alec, wondering just how he could use her coma to his advantage.

"Clary! Oh Sweetheart we're so glad you're home!" Jocelyn said, waving a red cup of her own as Luke held her up. The sun had only begun to lower and she was already taken away the privilege of driving! _**That's Mom, always giving you a friendly surprise,** _ the voice groaned.

"Me too." Clary said slowly, eyeing the smeared mascara on her mother's cheek. Luke was grinning too, but he hadn't seemed to touch the alcohol. He mouthed a silent apology to Clary as he carried Jocelyn away to wherever it was she demanded.

"Clary, you _have_ to let me dress you up sometime! Show Jace what he _missed_ out on in those five years." Isabelle pleaded, pouting her lip. She wanted to tell Isabelle that Jace hadn't missed out on anything. He had Kaelie to thank for that.

"Sorry Isabelle, but I don't really like dresses." Clary apologized. Isabelle's eyes widened, and Clary could see that she might have been as drunk as her mother. Maybe even more.

"Nonsense. You just have to learn to love them!" She insisted. Clary just flashed her a fake smile so that she'd walk away. It was hard to believe that this _model_ was her best friend.

While she stood, watching everyone get trashed by the beverages in her hand, she looked around for Jace. Her eyes rested on him laughing along to something Alec had said. This was probably the happiest she'd ever seen him. He wasn't suffering like he was when he had to take her out or simply spend time with her. And for that, she felt guilty.

She had practically robbed him of his youth by throwing him into a pit of depression with her car accident.

"Well he seems to be having fun." Someone chuckled next to her. Clary turned to see Sebastian staring at Jace with a drooping frown.

"Yeah, more than me, and this is supposed to be _my_ party." Clary sighed. Sebastian gave her a pitiful smile, and she noticed that his hand was pressed behind his back.

"What are you hiding?" Clary asked him with a giddy smile that on one seemed to giver her for the previous hour of the party.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Sebastian argued, yes his smile said otherwise. Thinking that he wouldn't expect it, she lunged at him, grabbing hold of his bicep and tugging at it until the rest of the arm was revealed. There was a small pink box placed in his large hand, encouraging her excitement.

"A gift? You got me a gift?" She laughed. He placed the box in her hand, saying something she couldn't hear. "I'm sorry, what was that?" It was almost impossible to hear over the sound of her friends doing karaoke.

"Come on, let's go some place more quiet." Sebastian insisted. Clary took one glance back at Jace, seeing how he was having so much fun with what appeared to be his best friends instead of hers.

Sebastian guided her to the back of house, a door leading outside. Another stone pathway led to a smaller building but he didn't take her there. Just had her sit on the back porch as she struggled to open the box.

"Let me get that." He insisted, pulling at the silk ribbon till it slicked open. Hesitantly, she lifted the small pink lid, gasping at what was nestled above a cotton pillow. Her fingertips brushed against its smooth cool surface, scared that she'd break it if she was anything more than gentle.

"Oh, oh it's beautiful!" She gushed, taking the necklace out and holding it out to the moon. The milky stone it held appeared to give off its own light. The chain itself was beautiful, elegant, but with the addition of the stone, it was more than she could ever ask of someone who she couldn't remember.

"Really? You think so? I didn't know if you would have liked it and I remembered how lovely the moon looked on your skin the day I took you out. I wanted you to have a little piece of that to remember. To remember me." His words were just as dazzling as the necklace.

"What is this?" She said, tapping the stone gently.

"It's opal." He answered.

"Thank you." Clary smiled up at him. "Can you tie it around my neck?" She asked him. His fingers grabbed the ends of the necklace. Sebastian watched as she brushed her hair to the side, exposing her ivory skin. She squirmed as his fingers brushed against her neck, eager to see the necklace on her. To show that a hospital bracelet wasn't only thing she could show off.

He took her hand, pulling her up with him and they walked back inside, and her mood had improved tremendously. Clary couldn't see _why_ Jace hated him so much when he was such a thoughtful, kind person. When his eyes caught her, and how Sebastian was behind her, his smile faulted for a millisecond, snapping back to its original grin and making her question if it fell or not.

"Everyone! Gather around!" Jonathan yelled, startling about half the room. Placed on the wall was a white sheet, and Simon was holding a metal box still. "We're going to watch some family videos!" He exclaimed. Clary could feel her stomach tighten in nervous anticipation. Not only was she to see pictures of herself, but now she'd see the old Clary in what was to be called her everyday life.

Like Jonathan ordered, everyone _did_ take a seat in her and Jace's living room, whispering to each other as he got the projector started. A few annoyed grunts came from Simon as he tried to get it started, but when his efforts started to work, he smiled to himself as Isabelle kissed him on the cheek. Clary didn't know if they were just drunk, or if they were in an actual relationship.

The once blank image on screen now flickered to life. The first thing Clary saw was the room of a hospital, swearing that she saw half the room turn and look at her.

 **" _Move_ ," A little girl grunted as she pushed a little boy, although older than her, out of her way. "Momma, I want to hold Charlie too!" She demanded. The person who was holding the camera focused on an exhausted-looking Jocelyn, holding what Clary had pointed out. A baby.**

"Clary, you were so cute!" Isabelle squealed, making Clary realize that it was her that she was looking at.

"What about me?" Jonathan croaked.

"Eh," Isabelle shrugged.

 **"You have to be Careful with his head, baby." Jocelyn reminded as Clary held the baby.** Did she have a brother?

 **"Momma, he looks so ugly." Clary groaned.**

The entire room erupted into Laughter.

"It's a shame that Charlie couldn't be here to see this." Clary watched as Jonathan's smile softened.

"Who's Charlie?"Clary asked him.

"Your brother, Charles actually." Jace amended. Her eyes widened, feeling horrible for not knowing that she did not know she had another brother. He certainly wasn't in any of the photos. Or maybe she just skipped over him. "He's at a college in New York, he felt horrible for not being here on the day you woke up." _ **The day I was supposed to die,**_ the voice realized. " _But_ , he promised that he'd be here for next week." Jace added.

"So, I have a brother?" Clary whispered. They were all able to hear her after the crowd had quieted down, wondering if she was going to have an episode and flip out, yet still pretending that they were watching the movie. It made her feel so… distant.

"Half-brother. Mom and Luke had him when you were two." Jonathan quietly commented. Clary swallowed a thick ball of emotion, wondering if she should be angry for not knowing the entirety of her immediate family. She had a younger brother, someone who she protected as hard as Jonathan did her, and yet she couldn't even acknowledge his existence until someone pointed it out to her.

"Looks like we got some cakes to make up for." Simon commented.

"What?" Clary asked, confused as to what he meant. Confusion was starting to feel like her default. At least, for the past week it had.

"You missed five birthdays, Clary. That's five cakes that we need to make up for. Tonight." He explained with a serious tone that both worried and amused her.

"Tonight? But there's no cake here! And it's not my birthday!" Her heart rate picked up as she imagined the crowd circling her and singing at a very loud volume. Having so many people in the same room as her was already nauseating, but having them crowded around in Birthday tradition was to surely make her have a panic attack.

"Actually, _I_ brought the cakes." Jonathan grinned. "Simon, pause the movie, were throwing having us a celebration!" The group of people turned their eyes to Jonathan as he sprinted to the kitchen and messed around in the fridge. She could hear him moving stuff on the table, but didn't bother to actually turn around.

"How old am I anyway?" Clary asked Sebastian.

"Don't women always want to forget their age?" He questioned.

"I think the circumstances are a little different." She reminded him. Clary watched as his mouth formed words of numbers he was counted, though she knew he was doing this on purpose.

"Twenty four," he answered her.

"I was _nineteen_ when I got in the accident?" She gasped. _Still a teenager!_

"Yeah, the news portrayed you like you were some twelve year old or something. That's what everybody thought when they discovered your body. I think it was your height though. They listed you as some Jane Doe until we made the pieces between your disappearance and the car accident." Sebastian continued.

"So for a while, no one knew who I was?" She questioned.

"Your family thought that you needed space. But after a _week_ …"

" _A week_! I was gone for an entire week?!" Clary's eyes widened at the absolute panic that must've been racing through their minds as they. Something as simple as a clumsy nurse made her worry, but to have a child be gone after having a major fight with her fiance? That was unbearable!

"The cops thought that Jace killed you because neighbours reported you two fighting before your disappearance." He noted. Clary shook her head, not wanting to think about how her recklessness could have the man she- _loved_?- be framed for murder.

Thinking about it, _did_ she love Jace now? Was that the overwhelming feeling of need she was feeling whenever she saw him, or didn't? Emotions were tricky to her, and they probably were going to be for the rest of her life. There was no changing the fact.

And still he loved her.

Something that was easy to see when he pushed his way through the crowd and wrapped her in his arms.

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while." Clary said softly. Sebastian's eyes flicked up past her height, eyeing him like competition.

"I missed you, I'm sorry I didn't stick with you." Jace apologized. Despite his bona fide sincerity, she could hear the tightness in his voice as he used her as an anchor to keep from launching himself at Sebastian. She _definitely_ didn't want that to happen. As much as she didn't like the party, she would much rather prefer everyone to leave without a black eye.

"That's okay, I kept myself occupied." She winced at how her words might have made him suspect of something else. Jace held her even closer to him, his hands wrapping around her waist in what she assumed was jealousy. The man had a temper she was scared to see at its full form. To see what had made her drive down a highway at such a high speed. To make her so _reckless_. And then _literally_ wreck her.

Jace's fingers dipped under her necklace, feeling the foreign object with an angered interest. Sebastian was no longer next to them, leaving and muttering something about checking up on Jonathan's progress.

"What's this?" He asked her, though his anger had receided from what it was at his last sentence. She placed her palm on the opal, loving the gift despite how she knew Jace would hate it. No matter what Sebastian had been to her before, it didn't mean anything now. She was a changed woman, different from the one that he dated. If only Jace could see this fact. If only he could see how much she already cared for him after a week.

"Can we - can we just get to the cake?" Clary asked, and smiles broke out among the crowd as the pulled a chair to the center of her and Jace's small table. There was a very _large_ cake just waiting for them to dig into. The colors were various and not at all matching and she realized that they had just pushed five cakes together. In its center was a clump of skinny candles and Sebastian had already begun to light them.

With Jace's hand on the chair, they began to sing the traditional song she couldn't remember. She felt so _odd_. She had to keep reminding herself of a particular name, and even then could she not deny feeling surprised each time they showed their independent personalities. No two people were the same. And this made her so bitterly frustrated.

Even her mother, who had a camera positioned so that she could capture everyone in their harmony, Clary felt insulted at how they just assumed she'd bounce right back to that same girl. Had they never known such a thing as patience? She had _only_ learned her a few days ago and now she was supposed to _smile_ at the camera?

And as they sung to her, holding eachother by the shoulder as they swayed in their own bliss, clapped as she blew out the candles and flashed a fake grin, she couldn't help but feel alone. Utterly and painfully alone.

* * *

 **AN: So, not such a welcoming feel on her first day home?**

 **Leave your thoughts in the reviews!**


	9. Ducks

**Playlist:**

 **Not Her-** ** _Love The Way You Lie_** **by** ** _Eminem ft. Rihanna_**

 **Thunder-** ** _Style_** **by** ** _Taylor Swift_**

* * *

Jace shut the front door, waving at those who were leaving before turning to face Clary. She was wiping the frosting and crumbs from the table absentmindedly. There were red solo cups placed _everywhere_. He watched as she stood still in the kitchen and worried if she were remembering again. Magnus had told him that it was inevitable that she go through an episode of severe confusion. Maybe today was that day.

"Where's the trash can?" She whispered to him.

"Under the sink." He said just as softly. Clary pulled open the small doors, throwing away the small litter gathered in hands. Jace could see her ears prick up before she slowly moved her head. Her chin was outlined, but he couldn't see her eyes: the one thing that could give him assurance.

After a moment of silence, she straightened out her neck, placing her hands on the table and breathing softly. Tension was thick in the air and Jace was afraid to claim what it was when so many things could be to blame. Out of the entirety of the party, she was distant, quiet, so unlike the Clary he'd known, _the Clary that was gone._ It was cold hard hit to the stomach.

Almost as much as seeing her wear that necklace.

He let out a sigh as she began to pick up the solo cups one by one, occasionally stepping on some the various snacks that were served. His fingers twitched at his sides as he figured out how to approach her. Knowing that there was a definite chance she could go lucid, he didn't want to invoke those feelings of confusion in her.

"Clary," he spoke up. It wasn't a question of whether she was listening, but more of the a calling to action. He could practically _hear_ the sound of a bell ringing to signify the first round in a fight. He prayed. _Him_ , Jace, the man who lost faith when his girlfriend laid in a coma for three-hundred and sixty-five days out of last five years.

"What?" Though most wouldn't be able to detect any hint of a temper in her tone, he could. He could hear the obvious irritation and frustration in her simple response. Her fists clenched and unclenched at her sides, as if she were debating to throw something at him like she'd done that fateful night.

"What's wrong?" Jace asked her. She scoffed at him, still roaming around the room as she picked up the red solo cups. He decided that the sooner the room was clean, the sooner she wouldn't be so eager to distract herself.

"What are you doing?" She huffed as he began to pick up the cups along with her.

"Helping." He answered simply. Whether she meant to do it on purpose, Jace felt her ram her shoulder into his own. The tight feeling in his chest was getting tighter as the tension thickened. It was only a matter of time before it snapped like a stretched rubber band.

"Well, stop it. I can do it by myself." He meant to do what she asked, he really did, but the tightening in his chest told him to keep cleaning, to get her to to keep talking to him because her silence was just as painful as her shouting at him. "Jace, leave it. I'm _fine_." She insisted with a growl.

"No, not until you tell me what's wrong." Jace ordered. The cups that she'd gathered in her hands came crashing to the floor and she turned to him with speed that was adrenaline induced.

"Nothings wrong!" Clary argued, flinging her arms into the air. "Dammit." She cursed as she began to pick up the cups again. Jace watched her continue cleaning, wary to continue what he called helping. "Oh, so _now_ you don't want to clean? Now that you've seen how unstable I am?" She accused.

"Clary, stop it." The warning might have been for himself, for the extreme pressure that needed to be released from his chest.

"Stop what?!" She fumed. Her face was the color of her fiery hair. Those green eyes that had kept him calm for the past week were now bulging with thinly concealed frustration.

" _That_!" He pointed at her face. A mistake that proved to be fatal when she slapped his hand from her direction.

"Why don't you just stop trying to find something wrong with me? Okay?" Clary scoffed at him. The tightness in his chest spread to his throat, clogging it with emotions he promised he'd never feel again five years ago. "Even our fucking _neighbours_ think I'm going to go apeshit!" She finished.

"So _that's_ what this is about? Who the hell told you to care about what people think?" Jace growled. His blood began to boil at a slow rate, as if it had thickened to lead and decreased the flow to his head; making him less intelligent in a way that wouldn't prevent the shouting match that was to begin at any moment. He only hoped that things were nailed down before it began. Though she may have lost all her memories, Jace knew that throwing things came naturally to her.

"Are you telling me that you honestly don't care what people think? That whatever they thought had no influence over your decision making?" She asked incredulously. Jace furiously shook his head, hoping to scatter the angered thoughts forming in his mind.

"No! Why would I? Being with you proves that!" Jace insisted. And then her breath caught. Jace didn't understand why her face turned another ten different shades of red until he played the words back into his head. "Clary-"

"Don't you _dare_ say you're sorry! What am I to you anyway? Some charity case? Huh? Why don't you just go run off into the sunset with _Kaelie_ if you think so because I don't need your damn pity!" She snapped. It was like he couldn't breath as the air was so thick with tension and frustration and the emotions he was trying _so hard_ to swallow. They didn't stand a chance if they couldn't find some way to cool down.

"Oh, right. You'd like that _very_ much wouldn't you?" He pestered.

"What are you talking about?" _Oh please, for the love of God, you shouldn't have asked that,_ he thought to himself. His brain had already prepared himself for the words that were going to spew out of his damn mouth.

" _Please_! Like everyone can't see how you and Sebastian are just _dying_ to be with each other!" And that was it, the final ounce of pressure to him and his sanity came tumbling down with a devastating effect. The emotions that flashed on her face seemed to have no affliction to him, only egging him on to do more, to say more. It wasn't just about proving himself to her, but to everyone that he knew. That he was innocent by badgering her with guilt that belonged to him. That was for him.

"You have to kidding me, right?" She gasped.

"Not like you could remember what kidding looks like." He muttered a little louder than he intended to.

"Fuck you!" He instantly ran to the front door, making sure she wouldn't run out to it like she did the last time she said that. "Maybe you shouldn't cover that! I could just finish myself off like I should've done all those years ago!" She laughed with an acidity that stung him. Jace was shocked by what she had said, by what she must have been thinking.

" _Don't_ look at me like I'm insane for thinking that! If I would've died, I wouldn't have been so damn _alone_." Jace expected her to say that with more anger, but instead she just collapsed to her knees, sobbing into her hands till he feared she'd lose it again.

"You have _me_." Jace whispered.

"No, I really don't." She said through a plethora of sobbing-induced hiccups. Yet, she still did not lift her gaze for him to see her. To know that everything was going to be okay. "You think that you have me too. Really, I can see it in the way you look at me. You think I'm that girl you fell in love with a _long_ time ago. But I'm not _her_." She accused.

"Where is this coming from?" He asked.

"I'm an entirely different person, Jace. Everytime someone looks at me, they aren't seeing _me_ , they're seeing _her_. That girl you all loved so much. I was born whereas she died on that stretch of road. And until you admit it to yourself, I'm only a temporary solution." Clary stood up, still not turning to face him, and sprinted toward the hallway where he heard the bedroom door slam closed.

* * *

Small droplets of tears dripped down the side of her nose as she sniffled in bed. Her fingernails were throbbing for some reason, as if she needed to take out her frustrations on something else. _Someone_ else.

There was a thud that was heard outside her room. Clary sat upright in bed, wondering what the mysterious noise was. When she heard it again, more clearly this time, her skin prickled. Yet again was she reminded that this wasn't really her body. That she had no control over what it reacted from or how. And she hated it.

Hated it more than the fact that if she'd waited another hour, hour and a half, _ten minutes,_ that she wouldn't be going through this. Death appeared to be so, so much better than living someone else's unfinished life. A life that should have ended either a week ago, or five years ago. Either which, death had chosen to laugh at her than take her away. Away from her suffering, guilt, sorrow, desperation, and downright frustration.

The next time Clary heard the noise, it was accompanied by a frenzy of blinding light.

She jumped back in bed, taking breaths at a rapid rate until she could no longer feel when they left and entered her. Her fingers were clenched around the blankets like a scared child, or person. Like Jace had said, without her memories, she wouldn't be none the wiser.

With each noise that passed, her mind shattered into not only pieces, but fine powder, and she could not, for the life of her- or the woman she was living- figure out why. Why a distortion of loud noise and powerful jolt could make her sanity and independency cave like a sand castle or any earthly made building that was constructed out of boredom.

Before she could prevent it, she was a blubbering mess. This atmospheric terror was reducing her stubborn carelessness to a sensitive person she could not recognize. Fear, something that she figured would greet her whenever the situation was far greater, was now resting beside her in bed; laughing as she quivered from the noise.

"Jace?" Clary whispered; her throat so tight that his name was the first and only thing she could manage to say. When the monstrous noise sounded again, she could not only hear its intimidation, but the roaring of an engine.

And it was getting closer.

So close as to make her reach her through the thin glass windows that did nothing but allow her to see the bursting of light that reached from the clouds to the earth she was placed on.

"Jace?" She said again. Though it was more clearer that she'd said it, he wouldn't have heard her. No, not at the very real noise outside and her own mental depictions of screeching tires and bloodied roads. The images would not leave her, not let her stop shaking from them. And shaking she was, with a thick sheen of sweat to add to it. Even sweating, she was deathly cold. Shock-ridden if that.

The noise was pounding against her window now, demanding that she open it and embrace what she'd been missing out on during her five year slumber. Each minute that she denied it, flat out refused it, it would throw an electrical pulse through the sky and towards her house that she was sure would crumble if it reached her.

One last roar of nature and she was reduced to hysterics.

"Jace!" She screamed out, wrapping the blanket around her to substitute for his arms that she wished so desperately to hold her and provide her with security. To send the loud noises and mental images scattering.

Jace threw open her door, panic clear on his face and settling on her quivering form.

"Clary?" He asked, unsure as to why she called him. The noise outside reminded her of why he was here, and she buried her head in her hands, hoping to slap away the terrified feelings.

"Make it stop," she croaked with a voice so hoarse it sounded like tea brewing on an oven. The blankets at her sides lowered, the bed dipped and pushed her towards his strong body that she eagerly nuzzled into. "What's happening Jace?" She sobbed into his chest, tugging at his shirt to pull him even closer.

"It's a thunderstorm. That's it, it can't hurt you."

"No no no… it's going to get me just like it did last time!" She said without a thought to her words. He didn't ask her about it, and she was glad for she wouldn't be able to explain why she thought the _thunderstorm_ was going to get her… again.

"I promise that it won't. Not if I have something to do about it," Jace vowed to her, and it must've sounded silly for a man to promise protection from a storm to someone who was just as old as he. "I'm sorry," he blurted to Clary. Who was, at the moment, unaware of their previous argument.

"Me too," she said with a quivering lip.

"Why? You were only telling the truth: that I'm a selfish bastard expecting so much from you. For that I really am sorry." He said with shame deepening his already masculine tone.

"It must be hard for you; to look at me and have always remind yourself that I'm not her. Well, not mentally." Clary watched as he bit his tongue, holding something that she didn't want to pester out of him. Reminding herself that he'd tell her when he was ready. When _they_ were ready.

"Hard for me? Life began for you a week ago." Jace said with a humorless laugh.

"And your life with her ended at the same time," she added with remorse; feeling as if she were a virus that had wiped out a creature so beautiful, so unique and replacing it with her average, _copy_ of a personality found in the majority of void people.

Another loud crack of lighting had her practically stuck to him.

As he was holding her and she clinged to him, she couldn't help but realizing that it wasn't enough. That just grasping at the feel of comfort would never be enough. It was like lighting a fire you had no intention to stand by, preparing a meal you'd never eat, building a fence that you stood outside of. He was security, specifically made for her, and damn her if that didn't mean she'd ever get to feel protected again.

"Jace?" She said, lifting her head from his chest. Hoping to whatever higher being in which others worshiped that she didn't look like a distraught mess.

"Yeah?" He asked, not without a noticeable swallow as he gazed into what was to only be described as raw desperation and a need to fill whatever hole crippled memories had left inside her.

But she did not answer him, only met his lips with hers, impatient when his hands stood at his side and skin prickled against her. As if he was somehow scared of damaging what was already broken, shattered, _destroyed_.

Her hands, small and skilled, dove beneath his shirt and traced the indentations of well-sculpted muscle that he'd created for himself. She'd never touched his chest this way, not on purpose. Well, not on accident either as she'd never seen a shirtless man in her week-old awareness. In fact, she didn't even know what men looked like under the belt. A thought that both intrigued and mortified her.

"Clary…" He breathed out. She didn't know which one he was calling out to: the one that he'd loved hard and lost with the same intensity, or her, who was trying to feel something that had been missing those long five years.

She sat in his lap, her legs overlapping his own. It was like each movement her body made astounded her. As if she were not in control but some other being. But she couldn't help but urge it on, to make it work with a greater force. Jace returned it equally, if not harder with his hands cupping the back of her thighs; pushing her against him roughly till she gasped out at what he was rubbing her against.

"Jace," she gasped, startled at what she was doing to his body.

"What it is?" He asked with eyes that were beginning to flutter open.

"I- I don't know…" Clary could feel her face heat up at her confession of being inexperienced. "This is all new." She said with a regretful sigh.

"Then we don't do anything. I don't want to pressure you." Jace propositioned. Her eyes rolled, reminded of the time he'd stopped them to only return to the hospital. She'd never forget the feeling of a flame sputtering out when she wanted to rip away his shirt...

"But the problem is, I _want_ to. I want to do what I don't know exactly what it is I want." She said truthfully, watching as his golden eyes flashed in the erratic lightning. What she said was out of pure honesty. Her body was indeed begging for something she knew nothing of. Knew nothing about, didn't even know the proper term for.

"Show me," Clary added with a lust-hushed tone.

And he did, taking her her hand and placing it on the nape of his neck to prepare her for the next eventual kiss, which was even more intense than the storm outside. When they moved again, she couldn't stop the blush that highlighted her cheeks. She didn't know what was going on… down south. How his body wanted hers with an urgency she couldn't even _begin_ to comprehend. He'd waited five years for a woman that would eventually turn out to be gone. Instead, he had her, this memory-incompetent shell of her that was full of the ridiculous hope that he'd love her for _her_ and not the shell she resided in.

His hands brushed up against the hem of her shirt, and without a thought or care in the world she knew nothing about, she lifted it for him, watching as his eyes darkened for _her_. His hands skimmed her collar bones, grasping at something from around her neck and tossing it across their room. She looked to see a glimmering opal, not quite caring about its worth at the moment.

Jace embraced her again, kissing away her embarrassment and skimming his fingers along her back until they came into contact with the clasp of her bra.

 _ **"You're beautiful," Jace breathed, kissing her collar bones and making Clary giggle.**_

 _ **"You're beautiful too." She chuckled, wanting to kiss away the confused look on his face.**_

 _ **"Clary, men aren't beautiful. They can be handsome, sexy, both of which I am." Jace claimed with a crooked grin that made her wish he'd just rip off her now annoying tshirt.**_

 _ **"You know, it'd be sexy if you and me went to a lake and did some**_ **very** _ **immoral things. Just think about it: Moonlight, rushing water?" She asked him.**_

 _ **"Yeah, but there's ducks at a lake." Jace reminded her.**_

 _ **"Oh come on! Just because one duck pecked at you when we were kids doesn't mean they**_ **all** _ **will. They're not all bad." Clary insisted, laughing at his scowl. When his fingers returned to her waist, she gasped at the feel of his hot hands on her cool skin. "I know… I'm not what you usually go for-"**_

 _ **"Don't even say that. Not when I've wanted you for so long and dreamed even longer." He said, hushing her with his needy lips.**_

She pulled back, recalling so vividly what had taken her away in the first place. _His hands, his lingering stare, and… his words. The sheer want in them. The need to have her._

"Jace?" Clary spoke, seeing the fear in his eyes. The plain cotton bra was still on her chest, informing her that he'd stopped once she'd been pulled in by the vision.

"I knew this was a bad idea-"

" _Don't even say that. Not when I've wanted you for so long and dreamed even longer._ " She said with amazement at how she could recall the memory; if that's what it was. And just like in the memory, with his hands hot on her skin, he looked at her to say something.

"W- _what_ did you just say?" Jace stuttered, his eyes wide with a fear of believing.

"You were touching me, and we were talking about ducks and being beautiful…" Her thoughts drifted back to the memory. Clary held onto it desperately, too scared to move in fear that she'd forget a piece of her past.

"You remember?" Jace whispered.

She didn't answer him, only tracing her hands over his now bare chest, looking for something in particular. And there it was, that faint scar he'd gotten… _on that fateful school trip to the zoo and refused to give a some ducks his lunch._

Clary was now more shocked than if she'd been struck by the continuous lightning that was streaming across the sky. Jace held her hand to the spot, breathing heavily as he looked into her mesmerized green eyes.

"I _told_ you to give it your cookie…" Clary said with a breathless laugh. It was funny how she could remember those things with detail, but that was as far as her mind reached. It was both thrilling and frustrating at the same time. "Tell me more about the trip?" She asked him, hoping that it'd shake free some more memories that she could look back on.

Jace laughed, immediately pushing her to the center of the bed where he could wrap his arms around her stomach. The position felt familiar but arose no memories. It didn't matter, as long as they were together to _try_. As long as she had him to push her forward, or backwards, depending on which way would get her to recovering the bits and pieces of that stubborn girl.

" _It all started on a very warm, very foggy, California day…_ "

* * *

 _ **AN: I figured that she experience some**_ **recollection of what she was visioning. What do you think? Good ending for a chapter that started out sour? As you all have hopefully figured out, thunderstorms are a little frightening for her then they would be for the average person.**

 **Clace can't keep their hands off of each other, as they used to be before the accident. The next few chapters will _most likely_ show progression in their intimate connection along with their emotional one. **

**Leave your thoughts and questions in the reviews and I'll get started with the next chapter!**


	10. Firsts

**Playlist:**

 **Hiding- _Chelsea Dagger_ by _The Fratellis_**

 **Garage** _ **\- The One That Got Away(Acoustic)**_ **by** _ **Katy Perry**_

 **Anatomy** _ **\- Waiting Game**_ **by** _ **BANKS**_

* * *

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she skidded across the living room and behind the couch. She couldn't stop the panting breaths that left her mouth as perspiration surfaced on her forehead. No footsteps were heard yet, so that was a good sign. The couch was thankfully longer than her body, providing whatever security it could as she prayed he wouldn't' find her. At least till she could figure some other place to hide.

"Five mississippi…" A masculine voice echoed through the house. Clary bit down on her lips as she stifled a nervous squeak. Her head peared around the couch, cringing at the sound of the floorboards creaking under her. She was sure that he'd find her now. Now, as she trembled behind furniture and wondered why she'd ever gotten herself into the situation. But of course, he was being nice to offer her the chance to experience it. Like everyone else had already done. She was tired of being left out and now she would much rather be an outcast than experience one more second of this thrilling anticipation.

"Oh God," Clary grimaced as the seconds ticked by and the bedroom door opened. Her fingers, and whatever body parts she could manage, were crossed as she thought of just when he'd pounce at her, snatching her up and taking her away like some kind of predator.

"Ready or not… here I come!" He announced, his footsteps being heard throughout the house. A nervous breath escaped her lips as she wondered if her face was visible from a certain angle of the couch. Thinking quickly, she ducked her head between her elbows and bent her knees upward, resembling a fetus.

When his footsteps were in the same room as her, the hairs on the back of her neck stood up in fright. A whimper let loose from her mouth and Clary smashed her hand to her face, stifling the noise and hoping he couldn't hear her. If her hiding place wasn't visible to him, the noises she was making were like a red flag sticking out.

"Come on, I know you're in here," he taunted, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he made his way the entryway to the hall and closer to the couch. "If you tell me where you are, maybe I'll go easy on you. Give you a few pointers." There was a laugh caught in his throat as he searched for her, making her consider hiding under the coffee table or scurrying to the kitchen if he had his back turned.

Looking under the couch, she could see just that. If she were quick enough, maybe quiet enough, she'd be able to dash across the floor boards without causing a single creak. Sucking in a breath of good luck, she stood up and sprinted to the kitchen, hearing him laugh as she slid under the table and out the door that was on one wall.

"Come on Clary!" He groaned with a chuckle, following her with equal if not quicker speed. She couldn't help but giggle in a panicked joy as she dashed around the back yard and into the set of trees that were growing there. His steps carried a thud to them as he trudged around the dry soil looking for her.

"Any moment, and I'll be finding you. You'll see." He promised with a sulky voice. He wouldn't admit, not even if she begged, that he was getting frustrated with each minute that passed that he did not find her. "You'll see…" He said, and she could feel his breath warming the air around her. Before she could speak, before she could think, he had his arm wrapped around her waist and was pulling her to him. His fingers moved erratically around her stomach, making a string of laughs bubble up from her throat.

"St-stop!" She squealed, thrashing her legs in the air as he picked her up with his tall stature. He shook his head, his hair tickling her neck, and continued his playful assault.

"Say it, say it and I'll stop." He whispered.

"N-never!" She declared, squealing louder as his tickling increased. As much as she stretched her sneakers towards the ground, she couldn't. Or he wouldn't let her for the matter. Her arms were pressed to her chest as he used to wait of his own to lock them to her.

"Say it and I promise I'll stop the instant you do…" He said with a hint of playful flirtation in his languid voice. One more second of enduring the torture and she was sure that her heart would burst in her chest.

"Okay!" She shouted, her neck stretched as she struggled to get away from him. "J-Jace Herondale is better at me then hide and seek!" Clary huffed, sighing gratefully when his fingers stopped moving against her sides. But he wasn't done, no not ever.

He flipped her around to face him and instinctively she jumped and wrapped her legs around his waist. The rough bark of a tree was pressed to her back, but she couldn't care less. Not with him looking at her like that. Like he would give anything just to be with her in that moment, in their backyard.

"I've been waiting ever since we were children for you to say that." Jace admitted to her. Before she could reply to him with a witty comeback about he was just too sour to admit that amnesia or not she'd always be better, he buried his head into her neck, kissing the pulse point and making her moan with a want she knew nothing of but had been experiencing since she first met him.

"Jace, it's _your_ turn to hide." Clary pointed out to him, but he did not care as he rubbed himself, and whatever was _down there_ , against her pelvic region. Between being grinded on by Jace, the bark of the tree was doing on a number on her back, scraping at her through the thin fabric of his loose tank top.

"How about we _both_ hide in the bedroom?" Jace asked her as he licked on the sweat-salted skin of her neck.

"What would we be hiding _from_?" She panted. Clary couldn't quite see his head as it was bowed into her neck. The only thing she could gaze at was his golden curls and how _badly_ she wanted to reach out and tangle her hands in them.

"Everyone. _The world_." He answered simply, returning to his nibbling and sucking along with the bucking of his hips. Since asking him wasn't going to work, she opted to bring out his competitive side.

"Are you scared of losing? Is that why you won't hide." Clary teased. "Hey, if you do lose, maybe I'll take pity on you and let you teach me in human anatomy." She continued in a lust-soaked voice. His head lifted and she could finally look into his golden eyes that were now laced with heavy decision making.

"Even though I _know_ I'm going to win, I'll take you up on the anatomy offer." He said before turning her around and sprinting away to wherever it was that he was going to hide. She counted, just as she was taught to do, turning around to find him long gone. With a smile, Clary began to walk across the ground and to the house before turning towards the garage.

It _did_ seem like a place that he'd hid in. So she walked towards it.

The door creaked open, the sunlight streaming through the opening and lighting the dusty room. Clary walked in with interest, forgetting about her initial task and staring at pieces of board that were placed across the floors. She would of thought of this as another room had it not been for the garage door and the large object with a white sheet covering it. There were some windows, though they too were covered by sheets.

Clary walked in, not being able to see much. She stumbled towards one of the windows, pulling the cloth from it and allowing sunlight to break free and light the area. What she had once thought of as boards were now canvases, each with a unique painting on them. The floor was covered in splatters of color, along with a dirtied white shirt that looked like it belonged to Jace. She flitted over to it, picking it up-

 _ **"Forget what I said about painting, I think I've found my artistic vision." He smiled, still touching her.**_

 _ **"Oh really?" She said, a moan barely slipping through her lips.**_

 _ **"Yeah," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her softly.**_

She barely pulled out of the vision without toppling over. It made her heart pulse with heat of immorality and lust. What she retained was the compromising position, and the fact that it wasn't Jace wearing the shirt, because he wore nothing at all. But her. There was that same look of adoration in their eyes as they held each other. It gave way to what would happen if she ever got to be so intimate with Jace. Which, if they kept up their insesent need to be with each other, would be soon.

Very soon.

The shirt dropped from her hands, creating a small thud in the humid room. Gathering her thoughts, she turned to face some of the paintings, a pained curiosity as she struggled to keep from being pulled into the dangerous reminiscing. Falling down wasn't something she ever felt when she was taken, but there was always a dull ache in her arms and head or whatever she hit when she landed.

Her hands skirted across one canvas, a scratching noise being made as she examined the clever work of the artist. _**Yours,**_ the voice insisted as she admired the technique. Why had Jace hidden her from this room? This room that she herself could paint in if only he'd discussed this with her. When she'd finished looking at the artwork, her eyes turned to the sheeted object at the edge of the room.

There wasn't _nearly_ enough sunlight to make whatever was under it visible, but by the dusty wheels and familiar outline, she figured it was some sort of vehicle; not knowing any specific ones in her time out of the coma. Starting from the hood, she peeled back the cloth, noticing immediately that the car was shaped like no other with its cracked frame and damaged paint. When she finally got it up to the windshield, or the lack of one with only a few corners having glass, she wondered why someone would keep such a totaled car. Was he planning to fix it up? Just seeing the damage, Clary could tell that it would take _years_.

 _ **"Clary?! Answer me, Baby! Are you okay?"**_

"NO!" She screeched, ripping her hand from the car and not caring that she lost her footing. The images were burning her eyes, she bounced back from the totaled car, a hand covering her mouth as she breathed through her flaring nostrils. Her head had knocked against the ground, pounding her vision into a weakened state. Even with the assistance of sunlight, she couldn't help but fear the darkness the car brought, or had covered her in the past five years. Panic was only a taste of what she was feeling. Being blinded and only having to look at whatever that was- _no, she knew what that was_. Her reality was so _dark_ and the nightmare was oh so _bright_.

And it terrified her.

It was like looking death in the eye and watching the events take place, Clary could hear Jace's voice, how scared he was. His own fear reflected in her chest as she struggled to regain control of her reality, not being able to shake what little of the vision she retained.

Road, dirtied asphalt and broken glass were all that clung to her open mind.

When she closed her eyes, that was all she could see, as if she hadn't really closed them at all. She couldn't scrub her mind of the horrifying images, what little they were but a great amount of dread stuck to each of them. It was like a picture of a crime scene, haunting her each time she envisioned it. Her fingers clawed at her face, hoping that somehow, pain would make her forget, make the images evaporate into the foggy sunlight that filled the garage.

 _ **"Jace… I love you."**_

"Get out of my head…" Clary whimpered to the voice that was fueling the visions. **_The truth will set you free,_** the voice explained. "Go away!" Clary cried out, smashing her palms to her eyes and hoping to smother the insistent whispers. Her knees were pulled in as she sobbed emotions that the visions brought forth. It was like love being crushed before her eyes… shattered into a fine powder that could never be repaired.

She didn't know how long she'd been crouched on the cold cement until she heard the familiar footsteps approach her.

"Clary?" Jace spoke, touching her shoulder and making her flinch. "What's wrong? Did you not find me? I was in the kitchen." He said with a smooth voice that helped dry the streaming of tears and emotional distress. She could feel him crouch down beside her but refused to open her eyes and look at the totaled car.

"Why is the sheet pulled back from the car?" His voice was a little more firm, less pleasant. When she didn't answer him, he surprised her by pulling her to him, holding her in a way that allowed her to sob freely.

"It was _horrible_. There was blood… everywhere. How- how did I survive?" Clary asked him with trembling lips that diluted her words.

"I don't know, but I can tell you that even though you can't remember me, remember us, that I'm glad things turned out the way they did." His words struck her harder than any vision, and truck, ever could. His amber eyes appeared milky to her, like he was holding back emotions of his own. Her shoulder pulsed, as if being near him could make the white star thrum with love.

Love, something she didn't know the definition and yet didn't have to when she looked at him. The way he would hold her, brush away her tears and kiss the bruises she gave herself. Jace deserved so, so much more than her crippled mind, but never did he falter when it came to being with her. Even as panicked as she was.

The realization that her heart beat only for him was astounding, and quite tear-jerking as she reached and intertwined their fingers. Just touched him was enough for her to forget the bad, nightmarish visions that had plagued her mind for the last few minutes. In this moment she expected a vision to take her, to show her a time where their limbs were intertwined, and they did. But as there was no clear plot, she realized that it was a… _fantasy_?

Yes, a fantasy, one that she wanted to taste the breath of reality very, _very_ soon. Or else she might implode on her own crumbling structure.

"Jace?" She whispered and he froze, worried that he'd done something wrong.

"Yeah?" He said equally as soft, if not more. Hearing his response, her tongue got caught in her throat, unsure of what to say or how to say it without sounding like woman intoxicated on her first feelings of desire. Which she was.

"I… how about that anatomy lesson?" She asked him, trying to avoid the heat that was not only burning on her face, but between… her _legs_? No longer did she need the education for fun, but to understand how her body worked.

"Are you sure?" Jace's voice was still a soft hush against her cheek.

"Yes, oh God, _yes_." She answered desperately. It wasn't like he immediately pounced on her, because that's what she assumed men did at the chance to fornicate. Instead, skimmed his fingers up her arm, past her shoulder, lingering at her collarbones and then finally resting at her chin, his thumb brushing against her parted lips.

His digit kept sliding across her mouth until she grew impatient and snagged it between her teeth. The fire that was slowly turning in her heart was beginning to burn her the longer he took.

"Eager to learn, aren't we?" Jace chuckled, but the amusement stopped at his eyes as he took in her painful need to be with him. To be as close to him as it was possible for someone to be. And only her, only her should ever get to see him like that. To hold his soul between their eyes as they held each other.

"I want a good education." Clary said simply. Something in him visible snapped, and soon he was standing, pulling her up along with him. Vertigo made her sway slightly as she regained the feeling of being on her feet instead of trapped under the memory of a car. Seeing this, seeing how this could possible stall their _lesson_ , he crouched down and picked her up bridal style.

And then he was running.

He barely kicked open the door before they could run into it and then they were in the bedroom. _Their_ bedroom, with a thick sheen of sweat on his forehead as he struggled to remain in control like he'd promised he'd be. His mouth was parted, his lips visibly wet with saliva and yet still dry as he bit at the corner of one.

She was placed in the center of the bed, her breath nothing more than gentle pants as it had been earlier in the afternoon. His hands roamed up her thighs, his face kissing her milky legs as she squirmed for him. Only for him. When his fingers skimmed the front of her running shorts, he noticed her tense up.

"Are you sure about this?" He whispered, removing his lips from her thighs to look up at her with golden eyes that melded his soul with hers.

"I don't know what to expect, what you're doing. It's all new to me." She admitted with a thick blush to her ivory cheeks. "Is it going to hurt?" She whispered out of anxiety.

"Hurt? No, I would never, ever hurt you." Jace promised. His hands traced up her stomach to grab her, intertwining their fingers. "Do you trust me?" He asked.

"Yes." Clary answered without a moment of hesitation. Jace grinned up at her, his other hand tugging lightly at her shorts until she felt warm air trickle into them. She sucked in a breath of air as he touched the elastic band of her underwear. He kissed the edges of her panties, making her wonder just _what_ he was doing down there. As far as she knew, the area might have been off limits with her using the bathroom and such.

She squeezed his hand tightly, nervous when he pulled down the shorts and plain cotton panties. His breath against her sensitive skin was driving her mad with a want she didn't know how to satisfy.

" _Oh_ …" Clary moaned at the feel of something velvety touching her. Looking down, her skin pallored at the sight of him worshipping her with his mouth. This was all so strange to her, so foreign. She could hear the sound of Jace panting over her own as she tried to stifle a few embarrassing whines. Never had she thought that living could feel this good. Her skin might as well have been on fire with the combination of the humid air and soaring body temperature added to the fact that they were sprawled on their blanket.

" _Jace_ …" She panted, grasping at his hair and holding him to her. Whatever he was doing, she didn't dare give him the insinuation to stop. Not ever would she do such a thing. The stubble of his chin was tickling her inner thighs but she didn't mind, not when she was nearly screaming for something she knew nothing about.

And then the _strangest_ feeling came to her. Like a coiling in her stomach as he continued to touch her. Her once closed eyes popped open in panic as she tried to comprehend what was happening to her. What he was doing to her.

"Wait, something's _wrong_ -" Clary began before gasping aloud, digging her hands into the sheets under her and allowing short breaths to escape her clenched teeth. Jace's touched continued, and he looked up at her, as if knowing what she was going through.

Then it happened.

Like the fibers of her soul were exploding into colorful fireworks, like her skin was being pulled at each corner until it broke apart. It was painful and beautiful at the same time. Like the intense pleasure was too much for her body as the rush of chemicals overloaded her brain into a state of panic and anxiety- her huffing out each atom of desire until the came back with a vengeance; pouring down her quivering lungs until they caused her body to spasm. Her back rose from the bed, her hands grasping at her loose tank top in hopes of ripping it off.

She cried out as her nerves shocked the sanity out of her and replaced it with an insane need to be... _filled_? She shook her head, her thighs shaking as he lapped at her until she screamed out the pleasure. Jace quickly straddled her, kissing her mouth and massaging his tongue with hers. There was a strange taste, although not bitter, on his tongue. When her cries stopped flowing into his mouth and she could finally regain her breathing, she was astounded at the tears that began to form in her eyes.

"Are you alright?" Jace asked her, wiping the pad of his thumb across her cheeks and smearing the salty tears.

"More than alright, _perfect_." She hiccuped, clawing at him until he held her tightly to his chest. "What was that anyway?" Clary whispered.

"That, was an orgasm." He answered.

"Can it happen again?" She wondered, not embarrassed as she assumed she'd be. A small laugh escaped Jace's lips as he stroked his thumb across her lips, appearing to want to replace the digit with his own pink ones.

"As many times as you want."

* * *

 **AN: So she went into the garage... As nice as it is for her to recall some moments, there are some cons; such as seeing bits and pieces of the car crash. The nature of the visions also affect her mood- like when her and Jace were painting.**

 **I think the whole hide and seek game was kinda cute since she couldn't remember what it felt like to be a kid.**

 **And as for firsts... ;)**

 **Leave your comments and questions in the reviews and the next chapter should be up soon!**


	11. Clarissa Fairchild, Meet The Penis

"I'm gonna take a shower." Jace sighed, swinging his strong legs over the bed and leaving her in the center. Before she could worry that she'd done something wrong, he turned around and flashed her a genuine smile. In one of the hospital movies she'd seen, the woman kissed her hand and waved it at the guy, so Clary did that, pressing her lips to her salty palm and throwing it at him. He caught the figurative kiss, tucking his hand in his pocket.

"I'm saving that for later." He smiled.

"What, for me to kiss your jeans?" She laughed.

"Something like that." Jace shrugged, turning to walk into the hallways that led to the bathroom. Clary's brows furrowed at what he was talking about, hating that she knew nothing of the popular culture for the world she woke up in. She turned to the nightstand, opening to the drawer to pull out her phone. Just like Jace told her, she pressed the lower button until it rang.

"Siri?" She asked with curiosity. The line waved to show her how loud she was being, though there was really no use for it. Technology was a strange, apparently addictive thing to be around. But who was she to judge? She'd been literally _hooked_ to electronics for the past five years, or for all she knew, her entire life.

"Yes?" The phone responded in a dull, electronic voice.

"What does kissing a guy's jeans mean?" Clary pondered to the inanimate creature. The phone showed that it was searching what she asked.

"Sorry, I don't understand 'What does kissing a guy's jeans mean' Search the web." Clary groaned at the phone turning it off and placing it back in the drawer. She slipped on her shorts, wiggling her bottom through and blushing at the next time Jace would take them off.

Now that Jace had seen, and touched her most private parts, she felt like she deserved to expose him as well. There was no telling _when_ he'd let her touch him. With Jace, it was all about caring, but, the problem was, Clary didn't. He thought about the memories they shared together, wanting to make it sweet for her, yet Clary could remember miniscule fractions, and that was when they were actually _touching_. At this rate, she'd remember her childhood pet _years_ into the future.

Clary heard the shower turn on and with a curious purse to her lips, she padded over to the bedroom door, looking down the empty hallway and wondering when Jace would return. Her fingers tapped against the doorframe as she weighted her decisions.

"Fuck it." Clary growled, loving the word that Jace had taught her. She began trudging to the bathroom door and swinging it open, no regard for Jace, who was in the shower.

"Geez, Clary, need to pee or something? You scared me!" He laughed from behind the shower, not seeing that she was working the ties of her shorts, again.

"Something like that." She repeated vaguely, smiling at the noticeable silence as he took in her words.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked, his voice at a higher pitch with wariness. Clary crossed her arms, pulling her shirt over her head and throwing it against the shower curtains to scare him; giggling when she heard him smack against the wet wall in alarm.

"Clary?" Jace whispered, but her response might as well have silenced him for the rest of the day when she stepped in next to him, as bare as the day she was taken into the hospital. His eyes bulged out as he looked at the water dripping down her breast, down her stomach, and between her sensitive legs. She stood in front of him, her hair becoming damp and then soaked, daring her eyes to go look at the hardening organ poking at her abdomen. Her confidence vanished at the sight of him, having the courage of a cowardly lion (yes, they played that at the hospital.)

"I- I don't know what to do-" He kissed her, and when he kissed her, he kissed her _hard_. As hard as the rigid member. For goodness sakes! She didn't even know what it was called! What was she doing with him, or what was she planning to do with him _now_?

"How about we teach this like a lesson? I mean, I _really_ don't know anything about… that." Clary said, hiding her embarrassment with a tight laugh.

"Well, first of all: It, is called a penis." Jace said nervously.

"A penis?" She repeated, too scared to take her eyes away from his.

"Cock, dick, _baby maker_ , whatever you prefer." He shrugged. Clary held onto his biceps, blushing at the feel of his _penis_.

"How- how does it work?" Clary whispered.

" _Work_? I guess I use it to pee, mainly. But, it can also make me feel really, _really_ good." Jace answered honestly.

" _Good_?"

"Yeah, like I _hopefully_ just made you feel earlier." He laughed. Clary nodded her head in understandment, holding him tighter to her.

" _I_ can make you feel that good?" She said with disbelief, not knowing just how someone could feel flames erupting in the most pleasurable of ways inside of them. Jace nodded his head, looking at her lips. "How?" Clary asked softly.

"Like I made you feel good, with a touch, lick, whatever. It doesn't necessarily have to be another person to make that happen, either. " Jace answered.

"Can you show me?" She said, barely audible with her whispery tone. Jace pushed on her shoulders, allowing her to see the erect organ, and she could see it actually throbbing! He ran his hand down to his stomach, lightly touching his penis and moaning aloud. Clary was fascinated when he started to pump himself, how slowly he started and then increased his speed as the seconds passed.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Clary blurted, seeing his face redden and his veins pop out like he was being strangled. Despite this, he laughed. A very subdued laugh.

"No, God no. It feels great, amazing." Jace groaned as he continued the milking motions of his hand. _Amazing_? She breathed deeply, swallowing her fears and morals before lowering herself to her knees, staring up at him with a drowning innocence. Though his eyes carried a worried look in them, he didn't stop her as she reached out to grop him, only clenching his jaw at the soft touch.

The shower water clung to her lashes, making her eyes lid to appear lusty. Jace took her hand and showed her how to grip him, removing it to watch as she milked him.

"Holy shit." He gasped, putting his arm to lean against the wall and attempting to keep her eyes open so that he didn't miss the moments.

 _ **"Like I made you feel good, with a touch, lick, whatever."**_

She leaned over him, engulfing the tip into her mouth and suppressing the shame of it all before giving in to his moans. She never knew that the pleasure he was experiencing could fuel her own as her center began to feel like an itch that she need to scratch.

So she did.

"Are you touching yourself?" Jace gasped. Clary nodded, taking him in deeper. "Fuck, that's sexy." He groaned, lightly putting his hand on her head. Her tongue meandered around the ridges of his member, listening to his panting and groaning, wondering what would happen the longer she continued the ministrations. A salty taste dribbled into her mouth as the seconds turned into minutes.

"Clary, stop." He warned, but she couldn't. She wanted to learn the habits of his body, and by God was she going to.

"Clary-" She sucked him in deeper, nearly gagging as he hit the back of throat. Clary hollowed out her cheeks, probably looking ridiculous but not caring. Jace may have started to say her name again, but stopped as a deep growl rumbled in his throat, a tangy liquid, running down her throat seconds later. She continued to engulf him into her mouth before something… strange happened.

The once hard organ softened on her tongue no matter how hard she sucked. Clary flicked her eyes up to Jace, seeing him look at her with wonder. With a blush, she pulled back, staring at the soft member before standing up with shaky knees.

"Was that… okay?" Clary said, tucking her wet hair behind her ear.

"Okay? That was _phenomenal_." He breathed, running his fingers up her arms and finally pulling her to him. Jace placed his hands at the small of her back, feeling her soft skin. "I just hope you know that I'm basically _exhausted_ now. Wanna spend the rest of the day in bed?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Day? Have you not seen the moon outside? We should just go to _sleep_." Clary laughed against him.

"Great idea, I'm spent."

* * *

"Now pour the batter, slowly!" Jace laughed, grabbing the container from her hand and doing it himself. She was wearing her typical shorts and a cotton shirt. Clary didn't tell him, but she could no longer wear a tank top around him without blushing because of its reminder of their anatomy lessons. He had tight black shirt on, outlining his muscles as he stretched over the stove. As gorgeous as he was though, the competitive part of him made her want to challenge him further. That was tricky with the amnesia, so she settled with frowning at him, crossing her arms and watching as he did it the _right way._

Yeah, whatever.

"Come on, let me try for once!" Clary pleaded but he didn't let up. She could hear the batter sizzling on the heated pan. The muscles in his back coiled as he switched to a rubber-looking spatula. He may not have realized it, but by doing this was he robbing her of the experience of making a mistake. Jace was acting like the mother birds portrayed on the television that were wary of letting their chicks fly. There was only one thing that could make him drop the bendy tool, and by God was she gonna do it.

"I think I'm starting to get why people wait for marriage. Jocelyn was talking about how it purifies the soul, and I want that for myself. And, if I were, say, to get married, I think I would like to set boundaries-"

" _What_ are you talking about?" Jace gasped, turning to face her and lowering the heat on the stove. Clary batted her lashes at him, winding her fingers in front of her and thinking about yesterday to force a blush upon her cheeks.

"Waiting, I wanna do it." She chewed her lips, secretly smiling at the panicked look on his face. Jace shut his eyes tightly, shaking his head and grabbing at his hair to comprehend what she was saying.

"Is this some hint that you want me to pop the question? Because I'll do that right now." He started, his eyes now wide with need. Her own eyes widened at his bid to marry her that day if she desired it. She knew he loved her, but enough to _marry her?_ And suddenly, waiting wasn't an option. Just to see the desire flicker in his golden eyes was enough to make her pounce on him.

" _I thought you wanted to wait…_ " He moaned into her mouth as she wound her fingers around the nape of his neck. She shook her head, her lips sliding across his cheek. Jace lifted her by her upper thighs, placing her to sit on the table as he kissed and licked his way down her neck. Clary tangled her fingers in his golden waves, panting as he was already tugging down her shorts.

"You- you'd really marry me today if I wanted to?" She said with a spurting moan. He nodded against her breast, his hands gripping her waist to kiss her there.

"You've left me waiting at the altar for five years, of course I want to get married." Jace groaned into the skin of her naval. "Just say the word and I'll give you your ring back." He promised her, his tongue already stretching out to lick her tender area.

"Oh, God. Get up here." She commanded, pulling him by the neckline of his shirt to kiss him hard. Jace returned the pressure with eagerness and Clary swore she heard the noise of his belt buckle rattling on her bare skin. It was like a dinner bell to her, a call to action as she realized that this entire time he'd been putting her needs before his own; and she couldn't let him do that without some sort of release.

Clary grabbed the waistline of his jeans, pulling him roughly to his center and grinding against his hardened penis; smiling at the memory of their shower.

"Slow down," he groaned, pushing her shoulder back until she was lying with her legs hanging over the table. She realized that she was at his mercy now, though he'd never do anything to hurt her. Clary trusted him.

He climbed on top of her, his knees now on the table as he lifted her by the small of her back to scoot her up along with him. They were kissing furiously, as if they were eating each others faces off with primal instinct. Clary supposed that's what it was that made him grind roughly against her.

" _Harder_ ," she whispered with the interruption of a moan. Jace kissed her neck, sucking lightly and driving her wild.

" _I've missed this._ " He panted against her jaw, his hands running up her stomach until it met the underside of her breast. Her eyes popped open at the addition of feeling. She couldn't believe that _just_ her breasts could drive her wild. The sensation in her legs built up, stinging as he slammed his hips against her.

"Oh, oh I'm… what is it called? Crowning?" She asked breathlessly. Jace chuckled into her skin, planting a few more kisses before answering. His thrusting didn't let up though as he removed his mouth from her skin.

" _Coming_." He groaned out.

"Yes! I'm _coming_!" Clary squeezed his biceps as her legs began to quiver with a building shake. Her abdominals were tightening in a way she was starting to recognize. Her whimpers were now escalating to bouts of meaningless swears.

 _ **"Faster Baby, harder." Clary groaned, pushing out her chest as Jace groped at her while rubbing his hips furiously against hers. Their clothes remained intact, but that didn't mean the same for their morals.**_

 _ **"Can't… hold on." He grunted, his breath spreading out across her face. She was about to same before her hips locked stationary and she gripped him tightly as she cried out in bliss.**_

 _ **Pure bliss.**_

The force of her vision and the sensations being caused by their friction were so pleasureable of a combination that her vision became spotted and her fingernails dug into the waistline of Jace's jeans as she ground him against her. _It was like experiencing two orgasms at once._ With one final cry, her hips locked and her center burned with any further contact made by him, but she had no words to tell him to stop. Her energy had crashed to the floor, and Clary was no limply clinging to him.

"Shit, I'm going to have to change my jeans after this…" Jace swore as he thrusted passionately against her covered center. He bucked up against her shorts with such speed that she was nearly blinded by after such an orgasm.

Or, blinded well enough to not realize the tall girl standing in the kitchen threshold.

"Christ, you haven't even been back a _week_ and you're already dry humping like hormonal teenagers!" Isabelle groaned, startling them both. Jace sucked in a breath of air at her, slipping off the table and tugging Clary with him as he toppled to the floor.

" _Izzy_?" He said before Clary landed heavily on his center, a puff of air leaving his throat as his face reddened in visible pain. Clary looked confused, wondering what had caused him to react so horribly.

"Guess you'll have to adopt…" Isabelle sighed with a smile at Clary.

"What? What did I do?" She questioned, but Jace was unable to respond as he gripped himself with tender care. He no longer felt hard against her, more soft now as she got up from straddling him.

"Speaking of that topic," Isabelle started. "I came here to take you out _shopping_ for some new clothes." Clary was confused how his pain and shopping were related, but nodded along anyway before she realized she'd have to go shopping. "Remember? We talked about this, and seeing what you're wearing _now_ , you are coming with me right away." Isabelle moved towards Clary and helped her up from the floor.

"Can't we just shop online?" Clary groaned.

"No, this is our little bonding experience and no matter how much Jace begs you, you're coming with me." Isabelle said sternly, beginning to drag Clary from the kitchen.

"Bye, Jace." Clary whimpered.

"...bye." He puffed out while still laying on the floor.

* * *

"So, are you guys together? Looked like it when I got there." Isabelle said, her hands loosely on the steering wheel as she drove them to wherever it was people purchased clothes. Clary blushed at the memory of Jace huffing and puffing over her. She wondered what it would be like to feel his skin on hers. Nothing but each other to hold, not like how he was hugging her in the shower, but so much _more_. She wanted to feel this soon.

At least before her younger brother visited in the approaching days.

"Yeah, I think." She answered, looking at the passing roads and hoping a vision would come and tell her where they were going but to no avail. Clary had no idea what to expect when it came to Isabelle. Was she going to buy frilly dresses or shirts that hugged her stomach tightly?

"You _think_? I'm pretty sure you are." Isabelle chuckled, turning on the next road. Clary sighed as she saw no visible clothing stores. Well, the only thing to see was a place declaring that a woman kept her secrets there, but what kind of store was that anyway? "Wait, how far have you two gone?" She later asked. Clary jumped in her seat, her skin growing clammy as she thought about answering her.

"How far have we gone?" Clary asked in hopes Isabelle could hear how uncomfortable she was. The taller girl giggled as she slowed down the car to a speed Clary could jump out of. She shook her head at the thought of rolling down a road once again.

"Still see you don't like the topic of sex. That hasn't changed." Isabelle said with humour. "Don't play dumb, Clary. Have you two done the nasty yet?" She said, and from the side Clary could see her eyebrows wiggle.

"The nasty? Uh, no. We haven't." She answered with a nervous laugh. Her palms began to throb at the idea of having Jace so close to her, having him need her just as much as she needed him. Needed because in no way could wanting something hurt so bad, have a place in her heart like he did.

"Good. That's a good thing." Isabelle commented with a smile. This confused Clary, seeing no real answer as to why Isabelle found it satisfactory that they hadn't been intimate.

"Why?" Clary said with a stretch of her neck. Not only had the car began to slow, but Isabelle turned into a parking lot of the supposed secrets. Getting a better view, Clary could see angel wings decorating the windows of the store. Mannequins in seductive positions were wearing the wings along with lacy clothing, or the lack of them.

With a swallow, she realized why Isabelle's knowledge of such things came in handy. Literally.

"Oh please, don't look so scared. I'm only helping you with a future problem." Isabelle scoffed as she unbuckled her seatbelt. Clary numbingly did the same as her, opening the car door and stepping out.

She hoped that Jace was having more fun that her.

* * *

"Jace, that's fucking gross. And on the table!" Simon swore at him.

"Like you haven't done so with my sister!" Jace argued, still pressing ice to his throbbing member. After Isabelle had left the house, Simon came in, saying that she was his ride and such. Jace knew it was just an excuse for Isabelle to spy on Jace while Clary wasn't there.

"Not on the table! On a counter, maybe. But not where we eat! Ever heard the saying you don't shit where you eat? Well the same goes for coming!" Simon groaned, wiping a tired hand down his face and grimacing at the table.

"We were in clothes though, Simon." Jace added.

"Of course you were." He scoffed, rolling his eyes and settling them on the pancakes Jace had finished making.

"I don't want to tell about me and Clary's intimate life, but we haven't… done it." Jace whispered, hoping to God that his face wasn't as red as Clary's hair. That's how he felt on the inside when it came to talking about her in such a way that his fists clenched in need and possessiveness.

"Hmm." Simon mumbled, scratching his chin and thinking about something that he had not intention of telling Jace.

"What?" Jace said with interest and worry.

"Nothing, just something Izzy told me before we came to visit you." Simon vaguely answered. It made Jace red with frustration. He hated the whole vagueness that Simon like to show off. He blamed the vampire movies for doing this.

"Are you serious? Tell me!" Jace demanded.

"She mentioned something about having the house ready before she got back. But I'm sure that could mean anything…" Simon trailed off. Jace shot up from his seat, ready to punch the truth out of the nerd.

"The fuck? Why?" Jace growled.

"I don't know! Maybe it has something to do with- _oh God_." Simon gasped, covering his mouth and shaking his head. Jace paced up to him, grabbing the collar of his shirt, demanding to know the man's knowledge.

"Just tell me!" Jace pleaded, hoping that it wasn't what he thought it was. He hated whenever his sister butted into his intimate life, and had a hard enough time with her when it came to Clary. Before Clary had yet to realize his feelings for her, Isabelle would constantly bug him about the subject. Now that she knew they were… together, there was no telling what she'd do with the fact.

"I can't, Jace! She'll kill me and then _you_ for stopping her!" Simon shouted, his eyes wide with fear of what the stronger man would do to him. Jace released his shirt, running his hands through his golden locks and fretting over the thoughts sprouting in his head. He imagined her teaching Clary: tender, naive Clary, about the basics of…

"Where is she? Did she tell you where she was going?" Jace snapped, already looking around the room for his car keys, all in the name of saving the chance of ever touching Clary again. There was no telling how badly she would scar her with the rough porn and many positions.

"No, Jace, I'm so sorry. Believe me, that's my best friend out there-"

"But _you're_ not the one whose fate is being decided here? Right? What if she ruins Clary's whole imagery of sex? Huh?" Jace growled, tugging at his hair. He wanted to guid Clary into the topic, not completely submerge her!

"Maybe it won't be that bad?" Simon pondered.

"If I never get to touch her again, I swear I will beat the shit out of you." Jace vowed.

* * *

 **AN: What do you guys think about the _anatomy lessons?_ And about how Izzy will approach Clary on the topic of sex? **

**Leave your comments in the reviews!**


	12. Motivated Separation

**Playlist:**

 **Decisions- _Trouble (Stripped)_ by _Halsey_**

* * *

 **AN: Before you guys panic! This chapter is a recollection of why Clebastian isn't going to happen in this story**

 ***TW* THERE ARE SENSITIVE SUBJECTS IN THIS CHAPTER**

* * *

She was sitting on the cold hospital chair, chewing on the cuticles of her nails. Everyone must've heard the pounding of her heart as she desperately waited for fate to intervene. Some sign that she shouldn't be there. If Sebastian knew she was feeling this way, at the last minute, he'd be furious. He'd practically forced her to do this, saying that things would go crumbling if she didn't go through with it.

But, didn't she have rights?

"Clarissa Fairchild?" A pleasant woman called, giving the scared Clary a pitiful smile. Sebastian held her hand, his grip cold and not warm like how it used to be. Before things had spiraled out of control. The phone in her pocket pleaded with her to call Jace. To have him calm her racing heart. To have him reassure her that whatever the outcome, he'd still want to be her best friend.

"I'll be waiting out here." Sebastian said quietly, making her shiver at how different he was from the boy she'd fallen in love with. This boy was so different. He had no remorse for the decision he was practically pressuring her into doing. She just wanted to go back to her home with Jace sneaking into her room, to sob and tell him that she was scared. That she needed more time to make this life-changing decision.

She was only seventeen.

"Ok," Clary whispered to Sebastian, following the nurse into the white hallway and still hoping someone would stop her. Make her see that this was a bad way to make a decision. She willed it to be Jace that stormed after her, that held her hand and gave her the courage to stand up to her boyfriend like he always did. Or maybe it was because he believed Sebastian wasn't the one for her.

Clary didn't listen to him when he chided her for dating him. She believed that her and Sebastian were fit for life. In her mind could she picture them at a chapel, holding hands as a priest told them to exchange vows, to promise to spend the entirety of their mortal lives with each other, and would the promise seep into the afterlife. It was him that was her Prince Charming. It _had_ to be.

Now, though, she wasn't so sure.

She wasn't sure that Prince Charming would ask something of this gratitude from his princess. Her mind was already spinning from how quick her thoughts travelled. One moment she was laying down his bed and the next…

She was here.

The woman led her into a room that was cleaner than her own mind. Than her soul that was being dirtied. It wasn't that she wanted to inforce life, but she was in love with Sebastian, and it was hard to comprehend that loving him could lead to _this_. Why didn't mothers ever talk about this with their children?

Children. Something she wasn't going to having anytime soon.

"Someone will be right with you." The woman said gently, gesturing for Clary to take a seat on the rubber-smelling bed. Clary wondered what kind of situations the woman here were in. Were they party girls? Did they just not have the funds? Did something horrific cause this? Clary shook her head, thinking about how she ended up here.

His blankets were so soft and warm under them. The moonlight in his room highlighted their bare bodies, something she couldn't stop marveling at whenever she was with him. He said he loved her, and she couldn't say it quick enough without feeling like she'd given him whiplash. Why was he making her do this? Was love not enough to make it work? Clary's mother had done this all by herself when she was pregnant with Clary. Even worse, she had a young Jonathan to look after. Surely she could have terminated the pregnancy when Valentine died.

But she didn't, because she loved her and him both.

The same as Clary.

 _Things will go back to the way they were,_ Sebastian had told her. Love blinded her, making her ignore the tearing of her mind as she made the appointment. Jocelyn had raised her to go with her gut, and not what others said. Though Sebastian wasn't just some person, he was everything to her. She intrusted him with her soul. _We have to go to school, different colleges, how are we going to make this work? Where's the happy ending?_ He'd asked her, making her fingers shake and the nails turn blue as she had an anxiety attack.

A woman wearing all wait walked into the room, shutting the door softly behind her. Clary's arms prickled with the mental chill that wafted through her head. She wanted to ask her how much time she had to make a decision, to be sure of herself. Sure that this was what was right, was what she wanted. Clary was already sure of the latter, knowing that if she was older this wouldn't have been happening.

But she wasn't older, she was a teenager, almost graduating in a couple of months. How was she to go to college _and_ support this? Her life was barely beginning, there was no way to start another. That's what Sebastian told her.

With stiff ears, she listens to the woman detail what the next few moments will hold. Some descriptions are of what will happen to her and the choices she has to make. After gripping a pen tightly and signaturing her name on a printed line, she asks if Clary would like to remain conscious, which she doesn't. Probably the only real choice she gets to make of the day. Clary numbingly slips out of her shorts and shirt and into a hospital-type gown. The woman brings a machine into the room, explaining to Clary what it does and offering her to look at the screen if she wanted to.

She shakes her head, turning to face a wall as the nurse checks the time line.

"Nine weeks." She whispers to herself, verifying that what they are doing is legal. "Clary?" She says, making Clary have to turn and face her. The machine is turned so that she doesn't see the egg-like shape moving around. "Are you sure this is what you want? You have some time to decide for sure."

And there it is, the sign that she could leave without ever having to go through. But, she can't listen. She doesn't want to feel like this is her choice. She wants to imagine that this is of the universe's doing. That no matter what she does or say, that the outcome will be the same. That things will play out for the better after goes through with this. Yet, she can't imagine life getting any more troubling for her.

"No, I have to do this. Just… please get on with it." Clary whimpers, the green of her eyes being diluted with salt tears that surmount her eyelids and drip down her puffy cheeks. The nurse opens her mouth to speak, but shuts it slowly, nodding her head and reaching into a counter to pull out a syringe. She closes her eyes, unable to tell when she started dreaming or if she'd just woken up.

 ** _"Oh come on, you'll be able to get your piano in eighteen years." Clary laughed, rubbing Jace's shoulders as they walked around the store. He groaned, pushing the cart along the shining tile floor. As tense as he appeared, she knew that he was thrilled, excited. They were both, however, scared._**

 ** _"Eighteen years better hurry the hell up." He chuckled, wincing as she slapped his bicep. Jace pouted with a feigned injury, holding his arm and glaring at her when he saw the red mark._**

 ** _"You don't mean that. Soon, we'll be old and he'll be off with someone he's fallen madly in love with." She shrugged._**

 ** _"Don't you think that's a little planned out? What if he wants to stay a bachelor or something? Or if he's so focused on work that he forgets what love is and his life is planned out like some christmas movie?" Jace said with a curve to the corners of his lips._**

 ** _"I don't know, maybe he'll take after you and fall for the best friend?" She teased. Jace leaned in and smacked a kiss to her cheek, making her blush heavily._**

 ** _"Fallen? If you ask me, I feel as light as a feather." He whispered, looking at her eyes for the recognition of adoration that she eagerly returned. A smile brightened his face, making her realize that they were going to be at the store all day if they made it a romantic experience. Clary flashed sheepish smile at him, sprinting ahead of the cart to see what the next aisle had to offer. Squinting her eyes, she could see nothing. Or at least nothing they were interested in. Turning back to face him, he was tapping his foot on the smeared floor with a patient face. She shook her head and hurried back to him._**

 ** _"Where the hell do you find this stuff anyway? It shouldn't be that hard. It's like we weren't meant_ _to purchase the right wall decorations!" Jace growled, throwing his hands up in the air and letting Clary push the shopping cart._**

 ** _"It's probably with the baby stuff." Clary offered, grinning when he put his arms around her waist and walked with her._**

 ** _"Baby." He spoke aloud._**

 ** _"What?" She responded._**

 ** _"No,_ baby _, I just haven't gotten used to the word yet. Like no matter how many times we both say it, I'll never stop that weird feeling from coming into my chest," he explained. Clary stopped pushing the cart, facing him with curiosity._**

 ** _"What's the feeling?" Clary asked. Jace stared at his feet, tapping them softly on the floor as he gathered his thoughts._**

 ** _"Paternal, I guess." Jace shrugged, lacing his fingers with hers and looking up to see that she wasn't confused. In fact, her heart swelled with love for him. More than usual. It could just be the hormones, but it was early? She shouldn't be this emotional yet! Great feeling of honor sprouted in her head, at how grateful she was that she was experiencing this with him. She knew that he'd love her, always._**

 ** _"I know how you feel. Like, I can't imagine life without him." She whispers, running a hand over her hardened abdomen. His laced fingers join her movements, admiring the growing life._**

 ** _"I love you." He said with a smooth tone._**

 ** _"I love you too, and him." She giggled emotionally._**

"No…" Clary said, her eyes popping open and her hand running down her stomach to find nothing but soft skin and broken promises. She was alone in the room, her clothes stacked neatly beside her on a plastic chair. Tears made their way out of her eyes, rolling down her neck as they roamed across her face. A few sobs broke out of her clenched jaw, shaking her neck.

With an empty feeling, she sat up on the bed, whimpering as she gazed down at her stomach. Her hands returned quickly to their previous position, cradling her abdomen like an infant. Sobs turn into a soft wailing as she grips the gown, pulling it from her skin and bowing her head to bury it in her hands as the wailing becomes louder.

Even though she shares a love with the man outside her room, she couldn't feel more alone. More empty and devoid of any emotion besides grief. Grief for the permanence of the situation, and most of all, grief for the life that could've been.

* * *

 **AN: So _that's_ the real reason Clary and Sebastian broke up, because he'd forced her into an abortion. I just wanted to show you guys this so that I could get it out of the way and most of you already know that there was an ulterior motive to their breakup. **

**Leave your comments or questions in the reviews and I'll get back to you with the next chapter!**


	13. Past Decisions

"Oh, wow. Why does this one resemble a piece of lace than actual clothing?" Clary asked Isabelle, holding up the lingerie. They were in the store that held the secrets of this Victoria character. Whenever Clary asked her about it, the other girl just managed to laugh. Whoever Victoria was, she was doing a poor job at guarding her secrets with allowing people to work at the store.

Isabelle grinned at the redhead, rolling her eyebrows suggestively. Clary leaned in, silently questioning the girl what she found so suggestive at what resembled something an animal had mauled. _And yet so expensive..._

"Because, the more skin the better." She answered.

"But can't I just wear nothing at all? What's the point in buying clothes that are supposed to show literally everything that clothes aren't supposed to show? Or did I just skip over that when I was getting flashbacks?" Clary asked, regretting it once she saw the horrified expression on her supposed friend. Isabelle snagged the item from Clary's hand, holding it against her chest and whispering to it as if it were a child.

"She didn't mean it, baby. She doesn't know. She doesn't know how _useful_ you are." Isabelle sang to the strands of lace. Clary let out a chuckle, turning to look at the camisoles that the store sold. They looked so soft to her green eyes, and just begging her hands to reach out and skim the short length of them. Why didn't Isabelle suggest these and a pair of underwear? Jace didn't seem to be complaining when she was sweaty and wearing what could also be mistaken as pajamas.

"No, absolutely _not,_ Clary. Advert your eyes from the classy stuff." Isabelle commanded before tossing something at Clary's back. She turned around to see a black lace bra at her feet and tried her best to keep her eyes from rolling. "We're going trashy. Need to break through that overthinking shell of his."

"How do you know me and Jace are together, anyway? What if I'm a lebanese?" She teased, confused when Isabelle snorted, which turned into a fit of laughter. People were doing that a lot lately whenever she said something stupid.

"One, it's _lesbian_ , and two… of course you're with him. I saw you two mauling each other on the kitchen table. Why wouldn't you be?" Isabelle responded, her face still red from giggling. Clary groaned and buried her head in the section of underwear that faced her. _This was going to be the longest day ever._ She prefered being left in the dark then knowing her fate. Sure she wanted Jace to do… whatever it was that people did, but couldn't they just skip to that part instead of this long and enduring process?

"How did you even get in the house, anyway?" Clary asked the girl. Isabelle bit her lip, impairing the impish grin that was trying to make an appearance.

"When you… had your accident, Jace was a mess." Isabelle sighed, spinning the article of clothing between her manicured fingers. "At some point the police were called to see if he was alright, they found him lying in bed - Clary, he tried to kill himself." Clary couldn't believe what the other girl was saying. Jace, who'd been so strong for them both, had tried to end his life.

"What changed? Why is he different now?" She asked Isabelle.

"It's hard to explain without sounding like a bad person." Isabelle scratched the back of her neck, deep in thought, forgetting where they were. "I told him that - that you wouldn't recognize him," she lowered her gaze to the floor in shame. "He fell for some waitress, and that's when I told him that. He was so _mad_ at me for bringing you up; saying that he'd tried to wake you up… and so I said that she wouldn't recognize the man who'd given up on love."

"Oh." Clary mumbled to herself.

"I didn't mean it! I had _no idea_ that you'd lose your memory! And - and he said that I was right. When you could look him in the eye and show no love for him… he said that he _deserved it_." Clary could feel the room sway, feel the hurt for the man waiting for her at home. "Then Sebastian, he came back for you - I never knew why you two broke up, but Jace swore to himself that you wouldn't get back together with him, so he started working on becoming the man you fell in love with."

"Has he gotten better?" She wavered.

"Yes, of course he has! But no matter how happy he is now, I'll never get that image out of my head - what he did to his arm-"

"His arm?" Isabelle shook her head. She gripped one of the hangers to calm down from the petrified nerves that wracked her body.

"That's something _you_ need to talk to him about."

* * *

"Really? You _like_ this?" Clary laughed at Jace's wide eyed expression. He was laying down under the covers of _their_ bed with his behind his head. He was nearly asleep by the time she got the damn thing on. But, seeing the tent in the sheets made her conclude that he wouldn't be sleeping for a _long_ time.

"I like _you_ in it." He corrected with lidded eyes. "Now, get over here." He growled, throwing the sheets off of his legs and crawling towards the foot of the bed. Clary didn't know whether to pounce on him or run the other direction and play hide and seek. She hadn't planned on wearing the lingerie, but Isabelle had mentioned something about it being comfortable to wear in bed. And Clary hadn't been getting much sleep lately. Something to do with migraines that had become more and more recent.

Back to the silk tank top - really, though, it was nothing more than a slip. Something she declared outdated and 'covered too much.' Clary worried that she wouldn't get to wear it long before Jace tore it off of her. She wanted their first time - since she woke up - to be _special._ "And what are you going to do if I _don't_?" She teased. Jace's gaze darkened as his hands gripped the edge of their bed. The muscles in his legs twitched as he prepared to spring from the sheets. Her fingers gripped the doorway, ready to sprint in the other direction.

"I don't think you want to _know._ " He said with a low rumble in his throat. Her smile slipped as she imagined him kissing the soft skin of her neck, tracing the curve of her hips and… _other things,_ with his fingers. She wouldn't _want_ to know what he'd to do her. She _love_ to. But Jace didn't look like he was in the mood for word play. Not at the moment. Currently, he was in the mood to be - well, to be _in_ her. She knew that much about sex. Clary had a _thingy,_ and Jace had a _thingy_ that fit inside hers. Badda bing, badda boom. "Now, Clarissa-" She sucked in a breath of air as her vision disappeared.

" **Nine weeks."**

The words echoed in her memory, bring back the image of white hospital walls. No, that couldn't be right? She hadn't been in the hospital for _nine_ weeks. She been there for five _years._ So, why did she think of a hospital when he called her Clarissa? And… why did she feel so empty? She shivered uncomfortably at the feeling of intrusion that crossed her body. At the wronging. The emotional violation.

"Clary?" It was Jace, his breath hitting forehead as he kissed it tenderly, his arms rubbing her back. She shook his lips from her face, pressing her palms to her chest with a tight smile fitting her pallored face. "What was it? What did you see?" He questioned. The image began to stretch into a room, more than just white walls. Pictures of… _things._ She couldn't describe them because they looked like aliens. But, it unnerved her.

"It's nothing. I think… no, never mind. It was nothing." She concluded.

"Are you sure?"

" _ **Are you sure this is what you want? You have some time to decide for sure."**_

And then she _wasn't_ so sure. She saw so much _more_ than a hospital room. Actually, it wasn't even a hospital room. It was… a room she didn't want to recall at all. It was a room that most people would _love_ to burn out of their memory for fear of guilt and regret. From what her past self was feeling, Clary was desperate to hold Jace. Or him to hold her. Whatever. She just _needed_ him. The emptiness was beginning to make sense.

What had she done?


End file.
